In war and sports it is often stated that “the best defense is a good attack.” And many times we apply this phrase to real life and our interpersonal relationships without realizing that it has no place. Then we get defensive.
A classic and quite everyday example is that of the husband who tells his wife how good the food was that day. To that comment she replies: “What do you mean? Are you implying that I usually don’t cook well?” Faced with this exit, it is normal for the man to get angry and the scene ends in an argument or in icy silence.
Being defensive implies that, when faced with phrases and behaviors that have a neutral or even positive imprint, we react as if they were a threat and we set off the spark. Why?
The reasons that lead us to adopt a defensive attitude
Because we believe that the other person’s attitude is threatening, that they are attacking our personal integrity. The defensive attitude is almost always built on the fear that others will hurt us, either because throughout our lives we have experienced many disappointments or because our history with that person has not exactly been a bed of roses.
On other occasions, the person becomes defensive simply because they are going through a very stressful situation and any event sets off alarm bells. Of course, there are also those who are suspicious by nature and live in an atmosphere of distrust that does not allow them to relax. In this case, deep down what exists is a deep fear of rejection and a low tolerance for criticism.
There are other cases in which the person adopts a defensive posture because they intend to protect a certain space that they consider intimate and that they are not willing to give up. It is something that is fundamentally seen in the relationships of adolescents with their parents, in people who suffer from an addiction or in couples who have just started a life together.
Another reason that leads many people to be defensive is the existence of resentment towards the other. This attitude is highly appreciated among couples, when both fight to control the situation and impose their point of view. In these cases, interpersonal relationships are understood as a power struggle where one wins and the other loses, without middle ground or possibilities for negotiation.
Deep down, the defensive attitude hides an insecure person. Furthermore, it sends the signal that we are closed-minded and respond in an exaggerated and emotional way to situations, which does not help us build healthy relationships, neither in the private nor in the professional sphere.
How do you know if you are defensive?
Often when we tell someone they are defensive, they take it as an offense and flatly deny it. In fact, we usually adopt this attitude without realizing it because we are too immersed in the story that spins in our minds that we cannot see clearly what is happening in the real world.
Some signs that will indicate that you are assuming this attitude are:
– You start talking quickly without giving the other person time to explain their points of view.
– You are not stopping to listen to what the other person says but rather you are processing all your counterarguments.
– You use justifications that are not entirely true but that eliminate your share of responsibility in the matter.
– You perceive that the other person is an enemy to be destroyed.
– You make the word “but” your favorite word so that most of your sentences begin with it.
– You respond to personal criticism by hiding behind the mistakes of others and comparing yourself to them.
– You use sarcasm to devalue the other person.
– You do not ask for explanations when you do not understand but rather you assume what the other person wants to say.
– You feel continually tense and irritated, as if everyday life were a struggle.
Being defensive is a sign that you need to stop along the way and reassess how you got to that point. That attitude limits you as a person and affects those around you because you always end up attacking them. Always remember this phrase from the Scottish entrepreneur Thomas Dewar: “The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is open.”
