Heartbreak causes great emotional pain. When we say we have a “broken heart,” we mean it literally, just as we might feel a “knot in our stomach” or a “hand around our throat.” These aren’t mere metaphors. The visceral sensations caused by a breakup are very real, although perhaps we should focus less on the broken heart and pay more attention to what’s happening in our brains.
When our heart is broken, our brain responds accordingly. Although it would be more accurate to say that the opposite is true: the brain is truly responsible for all the terrible “symptoms” we associate with that heartbreak. Understanding why we feel this way is essential to better managing our responses and recovering more quickly from a broken heart.
What happens in the brain when our heart is broken?
1. Emotional distress hurts as much as physical pain
Functional magnetic resonance imaging studies of people who have had their hearts broken have revealed that this emotional distress activates the same mechanisms in the brain that are triggered when we experience physical pain. In fact, some people have described this emotional pain as “almost unbearable,” on par with physical pain.
However, there is a significant difference we must take into consideration. Physical pain rarely remains at such intense levels for such a long period of time, while the pain caused by heartbreak and loss can persist for days, weeks, or even months. This is why the experience of heartbreak can be so extreme and exhausting.
2. Emotional withdrawal syndrome sets in
Other functional magnetic resonance imaging studies have found that when we have a broken heart, the same mechanisms are activated in our brains that addicts experience when they quit alcohol or drugs. In other words, we go through emotional withdrawal.
Symptoms vary from person to person, but as a general rule, our performance is severely affected as we experience an abnormal mental and emotional state. Most commonly, we experience difficulty concentrating, an inability to think clearly, and an urgent and compelling need to contact that person. In fact, in some cases, those going through a difficult breakup may suffer from what is known as analysis paralysis, which almost completely blocks their decision-making process.
3. Intrusive thoughts spin a spider’s web
When we suffer a romantic breakdown, our brain generates intrusive thoughts about our ex, which invade our mind without warning. It can be a mental image, a fragment of a conversation, a memory, or even a fantasy. This thought not only interrupts us but also reopens the wound, reactivates emotional pain, and triggers withdrawal symptoms.
The problem is that in the early stages after a breakup, these intrusive thoughts can appear dozens of times an hour, which traps us in a vicious cycle that keeps us trapped and prevents us from recovering.
What to do?
Understanding that these reactions are completely normal and accepting them as a phase we’ll grow out of allows us to recover more quickly from that feeling of anguish. It also helps us develop a more compassionate attitude toward ourselves, avoiding excessive self-criticism. When we lose a loved one, it’s understandable that we feel bad. We must be patient with ourselves because emotional healing takes time.
References:
Kross, E. et. Al. (2011) Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. PNAS ; 108(15): 6270–6275.
Eisenberger, NI et. Al. (2003) Does rejection hurt? An FMRI study of social exclusion. science ; 302(5643): 290-292.
Fisher, H. (2000) Lust, Attraction, Attachment: Biology and Evolution of the Three Primary Emotion Systems for Mating, Reproduction, and Parenting. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy ; 25: 96-104.
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