We are children of a culture that idolizes consistency. We were taught that we must be consistent, stand firm in our beliefs, and not contradict ourselves. We admire those who fiercely defend their convictions and those who never waver. We associate consistency with maturity, stability, and credibility.
However, all of this has a little-discussed “side effect”: it binds us. It makes us feel that changing our minds is synonymous with failing, looking bad, or losing authority. As if evolving were a betrayal. Then we find ourselves torn between remaining true to what we said at some point… or being honest about what we think now.
Why do we value consistency so much?
Consistency is so important that, in a way, it’s ingrained in us. It’s not just a cultural value; it serves a basic adaptive function. After all, as social beings, we need to know who we can trust.
For centuries, our survival – physically, emotionally, and socially – has depended heavily on this ability. It’s no coincidence that various studies have revealed we begin to detect lies and inconsistencies quite early in life: around age 5 or 6.
Although we may not be fully aware of it, our brain works in the background, detecting possible signs of inconsistency in the person we’re talking to, to determine if they’re lying. It analyzes gestures, contradictions, changes in tone of voice, incongruities between what they say and what they do – small signals that allow us to detect if something doesn’t add up or if the person is truly being sincere. (As an interesting side note, we often call this process intuition.)
This vigilance serves a valuable purpose: protecting us. If we detect that someone is unpredictable, inconsistent, or unreliable, we can distance ourselves or adjust our expectations to be less vulnerable. Conversely, when we perceive consistency between words, actions, and emotions, we feel safer, lower our guard, and trust.
For this reason, consistency is such a highly valued social trait; it refers not only to moral integrity, as we often think, but also to predictability, stability, and security in relationships. Inconsistency, on the other hand, puts us on alert because it increases the likelihood of being deceived, manipulated, or harmed.
Hostages of uncompromising consistency
The need for consistency, however, can also become an invisible prison. We can feel trapped by our past opinions, convictions we no longer identify with, or even goals that have lost their purpose, either because conditions have changed or because we ourselves have changed.
At that point, the social pressure to be consistent becomes so strong that we might cling to that old “self” simply to avoid contradicting the public image others have formed of us. We become morbidly loyal to an old version of ourselves that at some point defended a position, chose a path, or committed to certain ideas.
Paradoxically, the pressure to appear consistent pushes us to be inconsistent and dishonest because we feel obligated to project an image that no longer corresponds to who we are. Thus, we maintain discourses with which we no longer identify, defend opinions we no longer share, and subscribe to ideas that no longer represent us. And that, in itself, is betrayal.
The right to change (your mind, your goals, or anything else)
As I mentioned before, you have the right to change, even if others don’t. You have the right to change your customs, ideas, and habits. You also have the right to change your mind, rethink your plans, and make decisions that better suit the person you are today.
Life is movement and learning. Clinging to an old self limits us because it denies us the possibility of continued growth. Accepting that we can change and that this doesn’t make us less trustworthy frees us from the pressure to maintain an unchanging image and conform to external expectations.
In fact, in the long run, it will even allow us to relate more authentically, showing who we truly are in each moment, with all our inconsistencies, doubts, and changes. Instead of seeing consistency as a life sentence, we can turn it into a compass that guides us and that we recalibrate whenever necessary.
Ultimately, true coherence lies not in clinging to a version of the past that no longer exists, but in aligning our lives with who we are, what we think, and what we feel at each stage.
How to change and remain reliable?
A necessary clarification for those who might be confused: changing doesn’t mean defending one idea today, the exact opposite tomorrow, and something different the day after. It doesn’t mean becoming unpredictable or breaking our commitments without warning.
Change involves a process of reflection and maturity in which we gain clarity about who we are and what we want in life.
That said, it’s important to remember that the trust we build in our interpersonal relationships doesn’t depend solely on consistency – that is, on sticking to the same ideas or habits – but rather on how we communicate. People trust those who are sincere and authentic, even if that means making adjustments or changes along the way.
Therefore, the key lies not so much in consistency as in transparency. Explaining why we think differently, sharing what we’ve learned, and acknowledging that we’ve changed projects a more authentic and sincere image. After all, although change introduces a degree of uncertainty into the relationship, it also makes it more authentic, since it’s normal to change throughout life.
In the long run, communicating our decisions, plan adjustments, or changes of opinion without hiding behind a rigid image shows respect for others and builds more realistic relationships by being more honest with ourselves. And that’s a change worth making.
Source:
Tay, C. et. Al. (2024) Detecting lies through others’ eyes: Children use perceptual access cues to evaluate listeners’ beliefs about informants’ deception. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology; 241: 105863.
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