You complain. I complain. We all complain. At some point, everyone has complained about something. From the weather to politics, work or family, complaining is a way to vent our frustrations and our fears.
In fact, did you know that we spend an average of 8 minutes and 45 seconds each day complaining? That translates to about 1,300 complaints a year – provided everything goes well.
However, if we do nothing to change what makes us unhappy, the complaints begin to be repetitive and, far from becoming a liberating emotional catharsis, they weave a web around us that traps us – and in the process, drains those who listen.
When can complaining be really productive?
Complaining gets a bad rap. In the dictatorship of Positive Psychology, we think that complaining is harmful and we consider that it is too negative. However, it is always convenient to be able to express what worries, bothers or depresses us. Pretending that nothing is wrong by embracing toxic optimism doesn’t help either.
In most cases, complaints are just a search for external validation. In other words, sometimes we need emotional support, not solutions. Sometimes we need a listening ear and a friendly shoulder, nothing more.
Venting about work or our annoying boss can be helpful if the person listening to us shares our discomfort. Feeling heard and understood helps us calm down.
Complaining can give us the affirmation and validation we need from others to see that our concerns, anger, or frustration are reasonable. In fact, feeling upset by circumstances can be a great incentive for change.
Taking time to think about those times when the world played a trick on us has a psychological function: it helps us take note of what is happening and allows us to sympathize at a time when we probably feel battered.
However, these situations should last for a limited time. We can’t complain forever. We shouldn’t make complaining our leitmotiv (well, actually we could, but it’s not convenient because we would end up becoming a passive victim, feeling sorry for ourselves and miserable.)
The turning point to stop complaining
Just as complaining has a reason for being, becoming chronic complainers is counterproductive. Constant complaints end up poisoning our lives and those of the people on whom we deposit them.
In fact, different studies have revealed that complaints not only drain us of energy and are an added emotional burden, but that getting stuck in them generates a high level of stress and negativity that ends up reducing the hippocampus, an area of the brain responsible for memory, learning and emotions.
There is no doubt that complaints are poison for the brain when they become chronic: they alter our neural networks and affect the ability of neurons to transmit messages.
The turning point occurs when you have sought validation and compassion from others, but you continue to complain about the same things. Obviously, it is not always easy to detect that moment because we are often too absorbed in the complaint.
Sometimes we need to take a step back to determine where we are on the path. Don’t focus on isolated complaints, try to find a pattern. Do you complain about your job or your partner? Do you complain about your environment or your children?
Discovering that pattern will allow you to identify the problem area. From that moment on, ask yourself what is holding you back in a situation that makes you so unhappy. Maybe you are exaggerating? And if not, what can you do to change?
You don’t have to jump into the void without a parachute, but make sure you take small steps that move you away from the area where you feel bad. Only then can you break the loop of complaints and regain control of your life.
References:
Duman, R. S. (2014) Pathophysiology of depression and innovative treatments: remodeling glutamatergic synaptic connections. Dialogues Clin Neurosci; 16(1): 11–27.
Joo, E. et. Al. (2015) Stress effects on the hippocampus: a critical review. Learn Mem; 22(9): 411–416.
Duman, R. S. (2012) Decreased expression of synapse-related genes and loss of synapses in major depressive disorder. Nature Medicine; 18: 1413–1417.
Kowalski, R. M. (1996) Complaints and complaining: functions, antecedents, and consequences. Psychol Bull; 119(2): 179-196.
