“Hey, in this town, what are the people like?”
Thus begins a short fable about one of the most powerful, unknown, and treacherous psychological phenomena in our daily lives: prejudice.
A Bedouin was sitting at a crossroads at the entrance to a village when a stranger approached him and asked, “Excuse me, what are the people like in this village?”
The Bedouin answered with another question: “Where you come from, what were the people like?”
“Very bad people,” the stranger replied.
So the Bedouin told him: “Well, here they are the same, better pass on and don’t even bother entering the village.”
After a while, another stranger came and asked him the same thing: “Hey, what are the people like in this town?”
The Bedouin responded again with the question: “Where you come from, what were the people like?”
“Very nice people. They treated me very well, they were very kind and friendly,” the stranger replied.
In this case, the Bedouin told him: “Well, they’ll treat you just as well here. Come into the village and enjoy their hospitality.”
Why did the Bedouin offer two completely different answers to the same question? Because, in reality, each stranger already had the answer within them.
And often, without realizing it, we don’t look at reality; we interpret it. We don’t discover it with an open mind; we confirm our prejudices.
The unconscious biases that underpin our prejudices
Our experiences condition us. It’s difficult to avoid it—and even more difficult to be aware of its influence. However, we are all victims of two particularly intense psychological phenomena that ultimately shape our reality.
On the one hand, we suffer from what is known as confirmation bias, which is nothing more than the tendency to focus on, interpret and remember things that are in line with our prior beliefs or expectations.
Do you think someone is cold and rude? If so, you’ll likely see any ambiguous gesture as further proof. On the other hand, do you think your colleagues are nice people? Then you’ll tend to ignore tense moments and focus on friendly gestures.
This happens because our brain seeks and prioritizes coherence. Contradictory information often generates cognitive dissonance, which makes us uncomfortable. Therefore, it’s easier to adjust reality to our beliefs than the other way around.
On the other hand, this confirmation bias empowers expectations and ends up turning them into a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, if we expect the world to be a hostile place, we’ll behave as if it were. We’ll be distrustful and defensive, so the people around us will react the same way.
This mindset not only influences our interpretation of the world, but also most of the decisions we make and, consequently, our behaviors. And this will be reflected in how others react. In other words, what you think will happen is partly your own doing.
Is everything a consequence of prejudice?
No. There are truly kind people, and others who, for whatever reason, act hostile, cold, or even hurt us. It would be naive to assume that if someone treats you badly or harms you, it’s entirely your fault because you’ve projected those expectations.
Reality has many facets and there are situations where it is not enough to simply change glasses: you have to escape, protect yourself or set limits.
However, the problem is always wearing dark glasses that lead us to pessimism and distrust. When we stop looking at the world through fresh eyes and assume that everyone is just like the last person who broke our heart or let us down, we begin to live in defensive mode.
The moment we turn an experience or preconceived idea into a general rule, we stop seeing the world as it really is. In the long run, this not only drains us emotionally but also isolates us. We become an obstacle to appreciating the good things in life and begin to display maladaptive behaviors because we’re not reacting to reality, but rather to the distorted view we’ve formed of that reality.
How to change the mental script?
It’s not about thinking positively, but rather about understanding the consequences of prejudice, learning to adjust expectations, and opening ourselves more to the world with a curious attitude, rather than judging or anticipating events.
1. Recognize your filters
Before changing your worldview, you need to realize how you’re seeing it. We all interpret reality through certain lenses: past experiences, fears, beliefs, wounds… The key is to become more aware of these filters.
A simple, but particularly powerful, question is: “Am I judging this person (or situation) based on facts… or on my biases? ”
When you notice a negative belief, such as “people are selfish” or “they never listen to me,” try to find three concrete examples that contradict it. It’s not about deceiving yourself, but rather developing a more balanced view of what’s happening.
2. Do the “Kindness Experiment”
This exercise may seem naive, but it’s actually deeply disruptive. One day, decide to treat everyone with kindness, even strangers or people you normally feel defensive toward.
Greet with a smile, say a sincere thank you, offer a kind gesture without expecting anything in return, give a sincere compliment… Then see what happens. You’ll be surprised to discover how often what we interpret as coldness or indifference is actually a reflection of our own attitude.
If you arrive at work with a frown and no greeting, the other person is more likely to shut down and not say hello the next time they run into you. But if you make yourself approachable, the other person is more likely to relax as well. And if that doesn’t happen? It’s okay. At least you’ll know you did your part.
3. Reframe your narratives
We don’t just see the world as we are; we also construct a narrative to support that vision. The words we use to explain what we’re experiencing shape our emotions and decisions. Therefore, changing your internal language is another effective strategy for opening yourself to new possibilities.
For example, instead of thinking, “People here are cold,” try, “It’s a bit difficult to connect here, but over time I’ll make friends.”
It’s a slight difference in the way you speak to yourself and view reality, as the first sentence is an unwavering statement, while the second leaves the door open to whatever might happen. It’s about leaving room for complexity, nuance, and discovery.
4. Cultivate curiosity, not certainties
Absolute certainty, that “I know what everyone looks like,” is a great enemy of human encounter. Curiosity, on the other hand, is like a flashlight: it illuminates what you hadn’t seen before. It allows you to discover new facets, connect with realities different from your own, and, above all, not take everything for granted.
Ask yourself, “What if this person isn’t who I imagine? What if I’m missing out on something by thinking I know it all? ”
This shift in perspective will not only help you let go of your prejudices, but it will also improve your relationships. Because when we look at others with curiosity, we do so with more attention, more presence, and less judgment.
5. Ask, don’t assume
When we’re defensive, we interpret any ambiguous gesture as a threat. A brief response, a serious face, silence—anything seems like rejection. But most of the time, we have no idea what’s going on on the other side.
Here’s where something as simple as it is difficult comes into play: asking questions. Instead of ruminating on what’s happened for hours, say something like, “What did you mean?“
Often, it’s not that others are distant, disinterested, or “bad.” It’s that they have a toothache. Or problems at home. Or just a bad day. Clarifying what happened will allow you to deactivate the mental picture you’d started to create. And, in the worst case, if your suspicions are confirmed, at least you’ll be able to have an honest conversation about what’s going on.
Your expectations don’t determine everything… but they have more influence than you think because they are the building blocks of prejudice. You can’t change others or anticipate every situation, but you can choose the attitude you approach, your interpretation, and your response. That power, however small, is profoundly transformative.
So, remember that you choose which lenses to wear. And that will largely define your trip—for better or worse.
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