Today’s world has made the search for happiness its leitmotiv. Of course, it is not an original desire, the ancient Greeks already wondered how to achieve eudaimonia. The difference is that eudaimonia refers to a state of balance while current happiness is often confused with hedonism and the absence of negative emotions or unpleasant states. This change condemns us to pursue a utopia and, above all, to neglect the development of other essential skills for dealing with adversity, such as distress tolerance.
What is distress tolerance?
Distress tolerance reflects the ability to experience and endure negative emotional states. In practice, it refers to our mental fortitude to deal with particularly stressful situations, so that we can better manage these difficulties and do not hit bottom emotionally.
It is an essential component of emotional intelligence and resilience, although it often goes unnoticed. A study conducted at the University of Maryland revealed that a low tolerance for emotional distress leads to frustration. And a low frustration tolerance is an emotional time bomb since our ability to endure what makes us uncomfortable will decrease more and more.
Researchers from the University of Vermont have also proven that low tolerance for distress contributes to or aggravates anxiety and personality disorders, also increasing the risk of developing addictions since we will tend to turn to substances as an escape route.
In the long run, we will end up prioritizing immediate rewards, becoming more impulsive and hedonic, which will become an obstacle to achieving more ambitious long-term goals. In fact, being able to tolerate anguish does not mean “suffering” when things go wrong, but rather coping better with those circumstances to reduce their emotional impact and maintain our roadmap.
How to develop distress tolerance?
When something goes wrong or out of our control, it’s easy to think “it’s not fair” or “it shouldn’t happen to me.” But the sooner we put those complaints behind us, the sooner we can prepare an action plan to deal with what is happening. Distress tolerance is a “mental damage control” mechanism. In other words, it intervenes to minimize the impact of the situation and help us find the best possible solution.
Victor Frankl said that “between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and freedom.” Pain, suffering and loss are part of life, so it is better to prepare ourselves in advance so that the emotions they generate do not oversaturate us, because then they will only add more fuel to the fire.
How to achieve it?
1. Learn to stop the first impulse
When something goes wrong, it’s easy for emotions to take over. Therefore, it is essential to stop and reflect before acting. Take a step back, metaphorically, so you can look at what is happening from a broader perspective. Emotions can lead you to react without thinking in ways that can be quite destructive. Reduce mental speed. Breathe and regain control.
Observe what happens in your body and the thoughts that go through your mind. What is happening around you? Proceed with caution and ask yourself: what can I do to improve this? Then, give yourself some time to evaluate the options.
2. Practice radical acceptance
It is impossible to learn to tolerate anguish if we establish ourselves in permanent complaint. Complaint excludes tolerance, so we must face what happens from acceptance. Although the first reaction is usually to get angry or blame someone, that does not help us feel better. Radical acceptance consists of recognizing and accepting the current situation, without judging or criticizing.
Of course, it doesn’t mean that we agree or are happy with what is happening, it simply means that we recognize that a chain of events has led us to that point. It is not about resignation, but about taking note of what is happening, so that we can act accordingly, instead of just crying over spilled milk.
3. Change your perspective
Nobody likes to feel distressed or overwhelmed by circumstances. It’s not nice. However, the way we think about those facts can make a difference. It’s not about embracing toxic optimism or forcing ourselves to see the good side of life, but about balancing our natural tendency toward pessimism so as not to create a storm in a teacup.
Therefore, to develop tolerance for distress, we must also pay attention to our inner dialogue and strive to see the situation as an opportunity to learn or become more resilient. After all, all life experiences can give us something, even the most negative ones.
4. Develop self-efficacy
Distress tolerance develops when we are not afraid of difficult situations. That is, when we have built a bulletproof self-efficacy. And for that, it is necessary that we not run away when things get difficult.
It is not about becoming masochistic and hunting for difficulties, but about learning not to be afraid of them, so that when they arrive, we do not experience the need to escape, but can deal with them with integrity. And that can only be achieved by taking advantage of opportunities to test yourself, with a growth mindset.
5. Fill your emotional tank
Anguish is better endured when we have our “emotional tank” full; that is, when we care about taking care of our mental health in good times, so that instead of overexerting, overwhelming and stressing ourselves, we treat ourselves with kindness and compassion.
If we are emotionally balanced, it will be easier for us to face adversity when it knocks on our door. Even in the midst of the gale, try to create moments of calm that allow you to regain strength. Remember that positive emotions act as a counterbalance to more overwhelming and unpleasant emotions.
References:
Beck, K. H., Daughters, S. B., & Ali, B. (2013) Hurried driving: Relationship to distress tolerance, driver anger, aggressive and risky driving in college students. Accident Analysis & Prevention; 51: 51-55.
Leyro, T. M. et. Al. (2010) Distress Tolerance and Psychopathological Symptoms and Disorders: A Review of the Empirical Literature among Adults. Psychol Bull; 136(4): 576–600.
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