Giving is an act loaded with symbolism, expectations and emotions. When we give something, whether it be time, attention, money or emotional support, we often expect something in return – even if it is unconsciously. In a way, we trust that the person will take note of the “selfless” help and be willing to lend us a hand when we need it.
We apply the Roman mentality of do ut des, a Latin expression that dates back to religious acts in which an offering was made to the gods in the hope of receiving something positive in return or of not suffering a misfortune. Thus, the “I give so that you give me” has ended up permeating our relationships, turning them into a kind of commercial exchange.
With this mindset, we often end up giving too much and feeling frustrated or even angry when we don’t get what we expect. So it’s worth asking ourselves: how should we act towards others: based on what we receive or based on what we give?
The trap of expectations
When you decide to give something, there is probably a part of you that expects a response: gratitude, reciprocity, or at least recognition. These expectations are part of human nature, and for centuries they have been part of an implicit social agreement: reciprocity.
However, when you give with the expectation of something in return, the act of giving ceases to be altruistic and becomes a conditional exchange. It is a kind of blank check that you hope to “cash” in the future. However, since the future is unpredictable, there is always the risk that you will not receive what you expect.
In that case, anger, frustration and resentment are likely to set in quickly. You may feel like you’ve been let down or even scammed if you don’t get what you expected. You may even feel disappointed and think that your effort, dedication, sacrifice or commitment wasn’t worth it.
However, in reality that frustration comes from your broken expectations because when you give, you do not sign any contract of reciprocity. In the long run, giving to receive is a bad deal and it is likely to come back to haunt you sooner rather than later.
The emotional cost of measuring what you give
When we focus on measuring our giving, we risk damaging our relationships and, worse, sabotaging our inner peace. If we keep a “record-keeping ledger” in which we mentally record everything we do for the others, we may end up asking ourselves, “Why am I always the one who gives more?” or “When will I get something in return?”
These questions are not only emotionally draining, but can also make us feel undervalued or even used. In the end, they will fill us with bitterness and turn us into more calculating people who banish spontaneity from their lives and relationships.
Furthermore, constantly measuring distances us from an essential principle: authenticity. If you give, but you do so with an emotional calculator in hand, that gesture loses its spontaneity and, with it, much of its value.
Give with meaning, not with interest
In an ideal world, mature and healthy relationships are those that strike a balance between giving and receiving. But we don’t live in an ideal world, so the key to avoiding a flood of unmet expectations and the frustration that comes with them is to be honest and act according to our values. Instead of focusing on what you might get in return or what others expect of you, ask yourself what you’re comfortable with.
If you act as you think, the act of giving will be rewarding in itself, without the need to receive anything in return. And if you decide not to give – an equally valid option – you will not feel bad about yourself, nor will others be able to make you feel guilty.
Acting according to your values frees the act of giving from the chains of expectations. When you give because you want to and believe it’s the right thing to do, the outcome is no longer as important. So even if you don’t get anything in return, the gesture will still have a positive meaning for you.
So before you offer something to others, ask yourself, “Am I willing to give without expecting anything in return?” If the answer is “yes,” go ahead. If the answer is “no,” you may need to consider whether you really want to do so. Not only does this exercise help you make more conscious decisions, it will also protect you from the frustration that comes with giving conditionally.
Giving is a powerful act that can enrich your relationships and your own life, but only if it comes from a genuine intention free of expectations. If you decide to give, do so because it responds to your values, not because you expect something in return. And if you don’t want to give, remember that it’s also okay to say no. In the end, the most important thing is that your actions are consistent with yourself. Giving without measure not only frees others from a chain of expectations, but also you.
Finally, remember that there are many ways to receive. In some ways, whatever you put out into the world will come back to you in one way or another. And it doesn’t even have to be through the person you helped. If you act with kindness and authenticity, you’re likely to receive exactly that in your interactions. And if you don’t, don’t worry, because you’ve acted in accordance with your values.
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