“Few see what we are, but everyone sees what we pretend to be,” said Niccolò Machiavelli, referring to the social masks we often wear. There’s no doubt that social acceptance is important; we all like to be liked and to be recognized and valued by others. However, not all social masks are valid; there are some tactics that have the opposite effect, such as complaints disguised as false modesty.
What is false modesty?
Modesty is an attitude that reflects humility and involves the ability to recognize our flaws and weaknesses, understanding that we are all unique and different. Being humble involves accepting that, although we may excel at some things, we fail at others, so we are neither better nor worse than others. Clay Newman summed up this attitude brilliantly: “Humility allows us to silence our virtues, allowing others to discover theirs.”
The paradox of modesty is that when it’s manifested, it corrupts and disappears. That’s why we dislike the person who always adds “in my humble opinion” so much, because we sense it’s disguised pride. True modesty isn’t preached, it’s practiced.
Pride can generate false modesty, the purpose of which is to mask a conceited, vain, and haughty attitude. False modesty is a strategy to draw attention to certain qualities while attempting to hide one’s ego. It involves boasting about certain things while attempting to downplay them.
When false modesty comes in doses of complaints
What we find hardest to tolerate are complaints disguised as false modesty. Psychologists at Harvard Business School discovered in a series of experiments that we hate complaints disguised as false humility much more than unadorned boasting or even outright complaints.
You probably know more than one person whose complaints are actually a boast to mask their pride. They try to feign modesty by resorting to false humility. There are many examples: that friend who claims her hair is a mess even though she’s actually just left the salon; the coworker who complains about having to pay too much in taxes on their three or four houses when everyone else can barely afford to pay their mortgage; or the person who complains about constantly getting calls about job offers when most of their friends are unemployed…
Where does the need to mask pride with complaints come from?
In this research, psychologists discovered that many people complain by resorting to false modesty because they want to be liked and project an image of humility, but they’re also concerned about appearing competent and conveying their “superiority.” In practice, they want to boast about certain things, but they know that doing so directly would create a bad impression. They also don’t want to give the impression that they have an oversized ego, so they try to appear confused, overwhelmed, tired, or burdened by their situation in an attempt to establish an emotional connection with their interlocutor.
The problem is that this strategy fails completely, since most people detect false modesty, and this attitude, instead of generating empathy, ends up causing antipathy and generating distrust.
These people want to make a good impression and connect with others, but they forget a key factor in interpersonal relationships: sincerity. When we detect that someone is being insincere and resorting to false modesty, we immediately get angry and defensive.
In experiments conducted both on social media and in the real world, these psychologists found that complaints disguised as false modesty irritate us greatly. Therefore, it’s a fairly ineffective self-promotion strategy. In other words: no one likes arrogant, know-it-all, and overbearing people, and it’s even worse when they try to mask these traits with feigned humility.
How to make a good impression without resorting to false modesty?
– Be honest. Studies have shown that we prefer honest people to those who resort to false modesty. So, if you want to emphasize something, simply say it without beating around the bush. Simplicity and honesty are often the best strategies for not appearing arrogant.
– Emphasize effort. Instead of focusing on your abilities, a better strategy is to focus on the effort and the process through which you achieved those results. This will allow people to understand you better and be more empathetic.
– Be grateful. One of the most annoying things about complaints disguised as false modesty is that others would usually be grateful for the very reason you’re complaining. Therefore, a good strategy for connecting is to acknowledge the things you’re grateful for. Gratitude is always an emotion that acts as social glue.
How to deal with people who constantly complain?
If someone’s false modesty bothers you, it’s best to be honest. Remember, this person is using this strategy for two reasons: 1. They want to be liked and not appear too proud, or 2. They’re so wrapped up in their own world that they don’t even realize their complaints might seem trivial to others.
Therefore, explain why this attitude bothers you. These people aren’t “bad,” they just sometimes struggle to put themselves in other people’s shoes. We’ll need to be patient and take them by the hand so they can understand other people’s points of view. That’s usually enough to break down false modesty, at least in most cases.
Reference:
Sezer, O. et. Al. (2018) Humblebragging: A distinct – and ineffective – self-presentation strategy. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ; 114(1): 52-74.
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