We reject things every day. We reject products that don’t satisfy us, ideas that don’t fit with ours, opportunities that we don’t like, and even people who don’t share our values. Every day, when we go out, we activate a kind of quality control system, which makes us operate in “rejection mode.” And every choice implies a rejection.
However, when we are the victims of rejection, everything changes. Feeling rejected is not pleasant. We may feel a sharp pain, because we perceive it as an attack on our “self.” Rejection directly affects our self-esteem, damages our self-efficacy, and certainly makes us feel bad.
In fact, these feelings are not unusual, as a study conducted at the University of Michigan has discovered that rejection and pain share the same neural networks. This is why we can experience some rejection situations in a particularly intense way, especially when it is a social rejection. In this case, we can even experience physical pain.
How do we react to rejection?
People do not react to rejection in the same way. In fact, we ourselves can react differently, depending on the situation and how significant it is in our eyes.
The most common reactions are:
– Waves of rage. Anger is one of the most common reactions to rejection. In fact, it is usually the first response, an automatic reaction. A rejection can ruin our plans, and we do not like that, as a result, we get angry. However, this anger is not momentary, as we tend to think. Different studies have shown that after a rejection, anger remains, but we redirect it towards the people around us. Therefore, without realizing it, we can react in an exaggerated way to a banal comment from another person, hours after the rejection.
– Feelings of guilt. Guilt often appears later, when we reflect on what happened and, instead of assuming only our share of responsibility, we feel guilty for everything that happened. The most common thing is that we react angrily, lose control and, later, feel guilty about it. Then we make a mental list of all our mistakes and beat ourselves up for them.
– Unhealthy obsession. In some cases, rejection makes us even more obsessed. In practice, what has been denied to us becomes a “forbidden fruit” that we want to reach at all costs, even overriding our psychological stability. This is something that often happens when a person is rejected by someone they love.
Obviously, none of these reactions are positive. They all lead us into a vicious cycle of negative emotions and behaviors. In fact, rejection affects our ability to concentrate, just like a toothache. So much so that psychologists at Case Western Reserve University discovered that simply thinking about a situation in which we were rejected arouses so many negative emotions and is so destabilizing that our IQ drops by no less than 30%.
5 thoughts to avoid feeling rejected
Most people think that they react to things that happen to them, that if their CV is rejected for a job or if their partner decides to end the relationship, that is the cause of their suffering. In reality, this is only part of the story. We do not react to events but to the perception we have of them, we react according to our expectations and, above all, depending on the importance we give to that situation.
Therefore, to better deal with rejection and minimize its negative consequences, it is urgent to change some beliefs.
1. It’s not personal
The only reason we suffer from rejection is because we care so much about it. Because in truth, only what we value can hurt us. That is why, if you learn to practice detachment, you will make rejection hurt less, until you reach a point where you practically don’t care, because you will not be tied to people and things in an unhealthy way, you will not see them as an extension of your “self.”
In fact, another of the mistakes we make is to take rejection as a personal affront, but most of the time it is not. What happens is that when we are rejected we have the tendency to overgeneralize, and we convince ourselves that we are not good enough, capable enough, or smart enough to deserve attention. However, remember that the person who rejects you only knows a part of you, but you are much more than that.
2. It’s not you, it’s your fears
When we are rejected, we tend not to react in a mature way. Our fears and insecurities take control and respond by generating that feeling of discomfort and suffering. However, the wounded person we become when we are rejected is not us, it is just a reflection of our dissatisfaction, fears and inability to deal with the world as it is.
Remember that the voice that speaks to you is not you, but only a reflection of a part of the “I” that focuses exclusively on failures and rejections. But you are much more than that. Therefore, it is important that you learn to put the pieces back together as quickly as possible. When faced with rejection, never react immediately, take some time to reflect on your next step. When you force yourself to reflect, the rational brain takes over and silences those emotions that do not allow you to analyze the situation objectively.
3. It’s not the first time you’ve experienced rejection
Rejection is something that almost everyone experiences at some point during childhood. At that stage of life, when we are very dependent on adults, rejection leaves deep marks because it tells us that we must change something, in order to achieve acceptance and guarantee our social survival. Therefore, it is likely that this experience has been burned into some remote place in your memory and is reactivated every time you experience rejection again.
In that case, you are likely to overreact to rejection, becoming extremely sensitive, angry or resentful. Therefore, you will need to look back to find the primary source that generates that disproportionate reaction, more typical of a child than a mature adult. In the same way, consider that rejection is part of social relationships. You will not be the first person to be rejected, and much less the last. Knowing a little history can be useful, it will allow you to know that great successes are not built by luck but by perseverance, with enough strength to go from rejection to rejection without losing hope. There are many famous people who have been rejected.
4. It is not one door that closes, but a thousand more that open
We tend to think of rejection as a door that closes, an opportunity that we miss. And that is true. However, in the universe of possibilities, a closed door is not necessarily a negative thing, but rather an opportunity to explore some of the thousand other doors. Our life is nothing more than the concatenation of a series of decisions, some of which we have made because of a rejection. However, a rejection can become the opportunity to undertake something new, take another path and fly in a different direction, which is neither worse nor better, simply different.
Think of rejection as a woven tapestry, seen from below. If you look at it from that perspective, you’ll only see a tangle of knots that make no sense. However, if you turn it around and look at it head on, you’ll see the tapestry in all its splendor and find the meaning that previously eluded you. Turning it around may take time, because we don’t always have the psychological tools to do so, or perhaps because we’re too overwhelmed by emotions, but calming down and changing perspective is something that is undoubtedly worth it. In any case, rejection implies an opportunity to grow, be more resilient and mature.
5. You have as much right to reject as others have to reject you.
If you don’t like something, you don’t have to buy it. In the same way, if you don’t like a person, you don’t have to befriend them. The people you meet every day have the same right, which means that rejection is one of the cards they have up their sleeve and can play at any time. We can’t be upset about it.
If a person doesn’t want to make room for you in their life, it’s best not to insist. It’s likely that our dreams, ideas and values don’t match theirs. In any case, insisting will only be a waste of energy and time. The smartest thing to do is to find people who can value us, accept us as we are and make us feel special. The fact that someone rejects you doesn’t mean that you’re worth less, it just means that you’re different. If someone doesn’t know how to value your qualities or doesn’t want to take the time to get to know you, it’s not your problem, it’s theirs.
In any case, always remember that a rejection is not a flat-out refusal of our dreams and goals, it is simply a sign that we are not on the right path .
References:
Hsu, D. T. et. Al. (2013) Response of the μ-opioid system to social rejection and acceptance. Molecular Psychiatry; 18: 1211-1217.
Baumeister, R. F. et. Al. (2002) Effects of social exclusion on cognitive processes: Anticipated aloneness reduces intelligent thought. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 83(4): 817-827.
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