Finding oneself sounds profound, spiritual, and inspiring. In fact, it has encouraged more than one person to abandon everything and embark on an adventure in search of that hidden self that often remains elusive.
However, this popular idea is actually a trap because it assumes you’re lost somewhere, hidden deep within a kind of existential map, waiting for someone – yourself – to discover you one day. It’s as if your identity were treasure buried on the beach, hidden beneath layers of sand that can take the form of responsibilities, social expectations, insecurities, and so on.
The myth of the “true self”
The idea that there is a “true self” appeals to us because it promises stability. We may not like ourselves as we are right now, but we like to think that beneath all those layers lies a pure and authentic essence, something fixed and unchanging that, once found, will bring us the clarity and inner peace we so crave.
However, the latest psychological studies point in another direction and reveal a very different reality: there is no “true self,” understood as an immutable essence; rather, we are constantly changing. The person you were five years ago no longer exists, and the person you will be in five years isn’t here yet.
In this regard, a study conducted at the University of Warwick found that when the conditions around us change, especially the most significant ones, our personality also changes to adapt to that new environment. Another study from the National Institute on Aging in Baltimore revealed that we also change after a divorce.
In fact, this process of transformation is completely normal. The strange thing would be if you were exactly the same person you were at 15, because that would mean that life experiences have taught you absolutely nothing. That would mean you haven’t matured and learned.
So, if your tastes, your goals, your priorities, and even your way of seeing the world are constantly evolving, what does it mean to “find yourself” if the “self” you’re looking for keeps changing?
Identity isn’t some kind of archaeological dig. There are no hidden ruins waiting to be unearthed. Instead, there is a permanent construction site. Every decision you make, every mistake you commit, every limit you accept or overcome, raises scaffolding, walls, and windows. Building yourself is a continuous process, not a sudden discovery.
The danger of the mindset of discovering that “unchanging self” is that it fuels the idea that until you find yourself, you won’t be able to live fully. It’s as if your life were on indefinite pause, waiting for the ultimate revelation. But life doesn’t wait. And while you’re searching, what you’re really doing, even if it doesn’t sound so glamorous, is building yourself.
The search for oneself can lead to paralysis, becoming a sophisticated form of existential procrastination. It can make you think, “I’m not going to make decisions until I know who I am.” But the paradox is that you’ll only know who you are when you take steps and make decisions, because in that process you are building yourself.
The “self” as an evolving project
Imagine your life as an architectural project, except there are no fixed plans. Your materials are your talents, your history, your environment, your relationships… And with them you build structures. Some will stand firm, others will crumble, and others you’ll have to redo several times. This project is never finished, but is in constant evolution, and that’s where its richness lies.
Obviously, talking about construction also means accepting that not everything depends on you. Your resources, your biology, your history, and your context set limits. You can’t invent any version of yourself, just as an architect can’t build a skyscraper with just mud and wooden planks.
But you can decide what to do with what you have. Building isn’t infinite, but it’s flexible enough to allow you to grow. And accepting limits isn’t giving up: it’s being aware of the ground you’re building on.
What happens is that we confuse connecting with ourselves with finding ourselves. Connecting involves listening to ourselves, giving ourselves space, and observing what we feel. Building ourselves doesn’t sound as inspiring as “finding ourselves.” It sounds more like work than revelation. But it’s much more honest. Because what you’re looking for isn’t actually found: it’s created.
Every time you say yes or no, every time you choose who to associate with, what to work on, what habits to maintain or abandon, you are adding building blocks to the person you are. And that construction never ends. Not because you are incomplete, but because living is an unfinished process by definition.
Of course, in this process of construction, there are also things that remain over time. There are patterns that accompany us, personality traits, emotional tendencies, and values that persist over time. But even those elements are reinterpreted. You are not the same with your fear at 15 as you were with your fear at 40. You don’t love the same, you don’t suffer the same, you don’t choose the same.
Continuity exists, but not as a static essence, but rather as a common thread that runs through different versions of yourself. What remains is not an “immutable, true self,” but rather a narrative that you continually rewrite.
So, while the idea that you need to find yourself may sound tempting, the truth is you’re not lost. You probably don’t need a spiritual retreat, a longer trip, longer therapy, more meditation, or even more suffering. What you probably need is to connect with yourself and make decisions. You are a person in constant evolution. Accepting this will distance you from mysticism and give you back the power to create, shape, and remake your life.
References:
Boyce, C. J. et. Al (2013) Is Personality Fixed? Personality Changes as Much as “Variable” Economic Factors and More Strongly Predicts Changes to Life Satisfaction. Social Indicators Research; 111(1): 287-305.
Costa, P. T. et. Al. (2000) Personality at Midlife: Stability, Intrinsic Maturation, and Response to Life Events. Assessment; 7(4): 365-378.
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