Aldous Huxley, a British writer, said that “experience is not what happens to you but what you do with what happens to you.” This tells us that even from the most adverse situations we can take advantage, we can learn something, and ultimately we can come out stronger. That is precisely what resilience is all about – facing obstacles and setbacks and still growing.
Resilience is a capacity that develops naturally but can also be enhanced. In fact, we are not born resilient, we learn to be so throughout life, although the first years are crucial. That is why it is so important for parents to abandon the culture of overprotection and motivate their children to face new challenges, to make mistakes and to try again.
10 tips for educating in resilience
1. Don’t satisfy all their needs
When children begin to develop a certain degree of autonomy, the role of parents is that of facilitators. This means that although you should be concerned about their well-being, you should also let them solve some problems on their own and satisfy some of their needs using their own resources. Ideally, you should find a balance so that the child can enhance their abilities without falling into frustration, since this would only damage their self-esteem.
2. Don’t eliminate all risks
Many parents would like to keep their children in a glass house, safe from the dangers of the outside world. Obviously, this is not possible because, sooner or later, your child will have to face society. Therefore, the best strategy is to prepare him for the problems he will encounter. As long as the risks are not too great, allow him to explore, make mistakes and start again. When we get used to changes and taking certain risks from an early age, we will later have a much more courageous attitude towards life.
3. Teach him to solve problems
When he has to face a problem, encourage him to solve it on his own by giving him the clues he needs to find the way. Remember that the solution is not to solve the problems for him but to give him the tools so that he can solve the conflicts or difficulties with his own resources. Looking ahead, always keep in mind an old proverb that says “if a person is hungry, don’t give him a fish, teach him to fish.”
4. Focus on concrete skills
Children are very concrete thinkers as children, so they need structured and simple patterns of behavior. When faced with a problem, teach them the specific steps they need to take to solve it. For example, if they are shy, you can show them how to start a conversation so they can break the ice.
5. Don’t ask “why” but “how”
When children make a mistake, most parents ask them why they did it. This question is not entirely inappropriate, it just often leads to excuses, so it is much more productive to ask them how they are going to fix it. For example, if you have asked them to tidy their room but they haven’t done it, instead of asking them “why you haven’t tidied up,” you can say: “you haven’t tidied up your room, how are we going to fix it?” Questions with a “how” imply a more proactive attitude and a commitment to change.
6. Don’t give them all the answers
Children are naturally curious and want to know how things work, so they ask a lot of questions. Sometimes you can give them the answers, but other times it’s better to encourage them to try harder. When they ask you a question that you know they can answer on their own, give it back to them. This will encourage their logical thinking and problem-solving skills. It will also teach them that their opinion matters, which is essential because when it comes to life’s really important questions, the answers must come from within, not from without.
7. Avoid catastrophic language
In our society, terms such as “disaster”, “catastrophe”, “horrible” are often overused, and we also incorporate them into our daily speech, thereby magnifying the consequences of events. In this way, children form a distorted image of reality, as they are unable to objectively assess different situations. Therefore, give each thing its true importance and make sure that your child learns to do so as well.
8. Let him make mistakes
An old saying goes that “no one learns from the mistakes of others” and the truth is that sometimes a mistake can be much more constructive, in terms of learning, than a scolding or a punishment. As long as it does not involve a great risk, let touy children to make mistakes. This way the child will be more tolerant of frustration and will understand that mistakes are necessary to improve, he will not take them as something negative and they will not damage his self-esteem.
9. Teach them to manage their emotions
Developing emotional intelligence in children is one of the keys to resilience. From a young age, you should teach them to recognize their emotions and manage them. Teach them that the best way to resolve conflicts is through conversation, not through tantrums or violent behavior. From a young age, make them notice their emotional states, the cause, and show them a way out. For example, you can say: “You feel angry because your brother has not lent you the toy, he is younger than you and you must be understanding. You have many other toys to have fun with.”
10. Be resilient
Children basically learn by imitation. Therefore, if you want them to be resilient, you will have to become their model. Try to stay calm and consistent at all times, especially when things get complicated or don’t go as you expected. If you ask them to learn to control their emotions, to be perseverant and not to get discouraged by failure, you should also behave in the same way.
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