Depression is one of the most widespread psychological disorders, so it’s not unusual for someone close to you to have gone through a rough patch. If they were a significant person, you’ve most likely tried to help, but perhaps you’ve hit a wall that’s very difficult to break down. Why?
The reason is quite simple: without truly understanding what depression is and the feelings it evokes, you’ve likely used strategies that, instead of helping, only serve to widen the gap between you. And the truth is, most people don’t fully grasp the domino effect that mood disorders trigger.
Popular strategies to help a depressed person that DON’T work
Unfortunately, there are pieces of advice we’ve all heard at some point that, although given with good intentions, are completely unhelpful. For example, inviting someone who’s depressed to a party or an activity “to cheer them up” might seem helpful, but in practice it’s usually counterproductive.
If someone is truly depressed, forcing them into a cheerful environment can only make them feel more isolated, unable to enjoy themselves, and constantly comparing themselves to others, which increases their sense of failure and loneliness. Depression doesn’t disappear with “a change of scenery” or “fun plans.” It requires understanding, patience, and, when necessary, professional help. Forcing quick fixes often only reinforces hopelessness.
Another common strategy is to try to motivate the person with phrases like “cheer up,” “try harder,” or “it’s not that bad.” Although it may seem like you want to offer hope, minimizing what they’re feeling rarely helps. Depression isn’t simply sadness or a lack of motivation: it’s a disorder that affects the body, mind, and emotions. Making someone feel that their distress is “exaggerated” can only increase their frustration and make them feel misunderstood. For this reason, there are some things you shouldn’t say to someone with depression.
There are also those who compare the situation of the depressed person to that of others: “I’ve been through something similar and I got through it” or “Others have worse problems.” These kinds of comments, even if intended to offer comfort, can invalidate the experience of the person suffering. Each person experiences depression differently, and comparing it to another only generates guilt and isolation.
And what I consider the worst strategy of all is asking them to do their part. It’s like telling someone with a broken leg that they just have to get up and walk. But depression isn’t laziness or a lack of motivation, so asking someone to simply try harder is usually counterproductive and generates guilt.
Five steps to help a person with depression – for real
Helping someone with depression isn’t easy. It’s normal to feel lost or afraid of saying the wrong thing. However, the first thing to understand is that there are no magic formulas or words that will fix everything instantly. What you can do is listen and offer patient support.
In fact, research has shown that social support is key to overcoming depression. A study of nearly 1,500 people found that those with moderate social support were almost three times more likely to recover, while those with high support were more than five times more likely to experience improvement in their depressive symptoms.
1. Learn about depression
A depressed person doesn’t simply feel sad; they believe their world has shattered and that they will never escape this existential void. They often feel alone, isolated, and misunderstood, and most of the time they have to exert enormous effort to do tasks that we do effortlessly, like getting out of bed or taking a shower.
The first step in helping a depressed person is to become properly informed about the disorder, including its symptoms, prognosis, and the most appropriate treatment.
2. Develop empathy
Learning about depression, reading dozens of articles, will help you get an idea of the consequences of the condition, but if you really want to help someone with depression, you need to go a step further and be empathetic. That’s why I recommend watching some of these movies about depression; they’ll help you put yourself in their shoes.
Try to understand their reasons and the path that led them there. Remember that everyone reacts differently to situations, so don’t think about how you would have reacted, but rather how certain events affected that person. Only by truly understanding their point of view and what they’ve felt will you be able to help them.
3. Find the right moment to approach
Timing is everything. The best advice, given at the wrong time, is likely to fall on deaf ears. Therefore, choose the right moment to talk to that person. Make sure they are more open to communication and choose a quiet place where no one will disturb you.
It’s important to clarify that these “moments of emotional connection” often don’t create themselves; they simply arise spontaneously. Your task will be to pay attention to them, take advantage of them, and let them know you’re available.
4. Focus on the person, not on yourself
We often make the mistake of thinking that what’s best for us will be best for others. However, if we truly want to help someone, we must set aside our ego and focus on the other person. It’s as simple as asking them what they need and what you can do to help.
Focusing on the other person also shows them that you take them seriously and respect their decisions. It’s not about having all the answers or fixing everything, but about showing that you’re willing to listen and support them without judgment. And a key part of this is keeping the lines of communication open. That is, letting the other person know they can trust you, share their fears or frustrations, and that you won’t criticize them.
5. Learn to listen
Sometimes silence can be uncomfortable, but more often than not, saying incoherent and meaningless things can be much worse. Depressed people generally don’t talk much, but they also need to vent from time to time.
In fact, it has been shown that when we talk about our problems, we not only feel better but often also discover new perspectives we hadn’t previously considered. In a world where everyone is caught up in their own issues, learning to listen is an endangered skill, but essential if you truly want to help someone.
Remember that you can’t “fix” someone’s depression on your own, and that’s okay. What you can do is create a safe space where the person feels they can express themselves and be understood. Sometimes, simply asking how they’re feeling or offering your company is more valuable than any advice. Your patience, consistency, and empathy are powerful tools that help more than you might imagine.
References:
Godoy, N. et. Al. (2025) The Role of Perceived Social Support in the Recovery of Depressive and Anxiety Symptoms in Adolescents and Young Adults: A 24-Month Longitudinal Study in Three South American Cities. Revista Colombiana de Psiquiatría; 54(2): 3-14.
Beard, D. Et. al. (2014) Evaluation of the Perceived Benefits of a Peer Support Group for People with Mental Health Problems. Nurs. Rep;14(3): 1661-1675.
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