If two people are dating, living in the same city, sleeping together several nights a week, and heading toward marriage, doesn’t it make sense to share an apartment and save a little money in the process? Most couples say yes. However, did you know that living together before marriage increases the risk of divorce?
In fact, before signing a lease together, each of you should ask yourself: Are you just going along with the circumstances or have you really decided to move in together? This is not just a matter of terminology; the way you decide to take this step will determine how happy you will be as a couple.
This idea is demonstrated by a study carried out at the University of Virginia, in which different factors related to marriage were analysed in order to predict its stability and level of happiness. More than 1,000 people between the ages of 18 and 35 who were in a stable relationship took part in this study.
Over the course of five years, 418 of these people got married. Psychologists examined their relationship, analysing each of the important stages of the relationship, such as the first date, the first sexual relationship or the decision to move in together. They then assessed their level of satisfaction and happiness with their life.
More freedom to choose, more chances to make mistakes
In the past, the milestones that a couple went through were fairly well established, we can say that they were ritualized. People began to get to know each other, the man declared his love, they moved on to the courtship phase, each in their own home, then came marriage and later children. This structure was very rigid, so it is not strange that today most couples decide to alter the order of these factors.
Today, every couple has greater freedom to choose when to move in together, when to have children, and when to get married. Obviously, this freedom is beneficial, but it also entails more risks, since some people may make decisions in a less thoughtful way. In fact, many people do not really make decisions at all, but rather let themselves be carried away by circumstances.
The data from this study show that couples who simply go with the flow have poorer relationships and lower levels of happiness compared to those who make intentional decisions about their major milestones. Therefore, these psychologists claim that the way a couple makes a decision counts a lot for their future satisfaction.
The research found that only 28% of couples who moved in together due to circumstances were happy, while this figure rose to 42% among couples who had seriously considered the decision. It also found that 1/3 of people who admitted that they had started a relationship without thinking much about it, letting themselves be carried away by circumstances, felt unhappy with their marriages.
Why is it better to decide than to be carried away?
When we have to make a decision, we think carefully about the details, we don’t just get carried away by passion but we also analyze more practical aspects, such as common interests with the other person or what we really want from life. Making decisions as a couple involves communicating with the other person, understanding their points of view and expressing our own. Therefore, these couples take on a more proactive and reflective attitude, which will help them at other times in their lives, when they have to face real problems. This attitude can be the key to feeling satisfied and happy in marriage.
However, couples who simply go with the flow may end up marrying the wrong person or without the necessary maturity. Acting on inertia can lead us to make decisions that, had we thought about them a little more, we would not have made or would have postponed until a more appropriate time came. Therefore, it is not difficult to understand why many of these couples feel dissatisfied and unhappy in their married life.
Deciding instead of being carried away implies a true act of commitment, not only to the other person but to ourselves and to the decision. In fact, several studies have shown that when we make a decision, we force ourselves to be consistent with it and we tend to feel more satisfied.
Moral: If you want your relationship to work, it is best to make informed decisions. Don’t act out of inertia, reflect and talk to your partner.
References:
Rhoades, G. et. Al. (2014) Before “I Do” What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults? In: National Marriage Project.
Jose, A. et. Al. (2010) Does Premarital Cohabitation Predict Subsequent Marital Stability and Marital Quality? A Meta-Analysis. Journal of Marriage and Family; 72(1): 105-116.
