How to stop being on the defensive?

Being aware that we are defensive is the first step but it is certainly not enough to eradicate this attitude. Therefore, it is important that you are willing to question whether you really achieve something with that attitude or if, on the contrary, it is an obstacle to your interpersonal relationships and your growth. If you continue to look for excuses for your defensive attitude, it means that you are not yet willing to change, you have too many misgivings and fears to adopt a more open attitude and willingness to dialogue. However, if you have already understood that being defensive leads nowhere, then you are ready for change.

7 changes to stop being defensive

1. Assume that people are not adversaries. It is important that you understand that interpersonal relationships are not a battle. When you go into a conversation thinking there will be a winner and a loser, you will become defensive because you obviously don’t want to be the one who loses. Thinking that you are only exchanging points of view that can enrich you will allow you to adopt a more relaxed and open attitude to the other’s ideas.
2. When you don’t understand the message, ask.  Do not base yourself on assumptions because these are based on your vision of the world, which does not always coincide with that of the other person. When you don’t understand a phrase or a behavior seems strange to you, instead of jumping to conclusions, ask the person what they wanted to convey. 
3. Keep emotions under control.  Often people who are always on the defensive are very emotional so they overreact to environmental stimuli. In this sense, assuming a mindfulness attitude can help you manage your emotions more assertively.
4. Develop your self-esteem. At the base of a defensive attitude is usually hidden a deep feeling of insecurity, the belief that we will be trampled a priori. When we have healthy self-esteem and feel confident in our abilities, we tend to adopt a more open and receptive attitude.
5. Take criticism as guidelines to improve. People who are defensive often fear criticism because they view it as an attack on their integrity. It is true that there are people who do not know how to express a negative opinion assertively, but you can ignore how they say it to focus on the message. Does the message have any value that will allow you to correct a mistake and grow as a person?
6. Develop confidence.  Being defensive implies, in some way, having a pessimistic view of the world, thinking that everyone is against us. However, from time to time an act of faith is needed, daring to trust people and their good will. It is not about assuming a simplistic and good-natured attitude but simply about giving them the opportunity to really express who they are and what they want, without clipping their wings before they have flown.
7. Just relax. Stress, tension, and conflict can cause you to become defensive. It is normal because when we are in this situation our brain is not able to evaluate the details of the situations very precisely and responds more impulsively, generating an attack or flight response. Learn relaxation exercises, they will help you face the day more calmly. 

It is obvious that these changes will not happen overnight because some require profound cognitive restructuring. However, if you stay attentive to your responses and learn to control that first impulse to attack and refute the other’s arguments, little by little you will adopt a more open attitude to dialogue, which can only bring you benefits.