When we’re tense, stressed, or anxious, we hear the same advice over and over: “Relax!” It’s good advice, except when it isn’t. Because in some cases, trying to calm down can have the opposite effect: it actually increases anxiety.
I’ve met more than one person who, when they try to practice yoga, meditation, or relaxation techniques, ends up more stressed, nervous, and anxious. They’re not an isolated case. In psychology, there’s a phenomenon known as paradoxical anxiety or relaxation-induced anxiety , a state in which a spike in anxiety, muscle tension, or anxious thoughts occurs when trying to calm down.
Relaxing, but not for everyone
When we talk about relaxation, we often think that sitting down, taking deep breaths, and loosening our muscles is a kind of “magic button” that brings us back to calm. And in a way, it is. Techniques like progressive muscle relaxation or diaphragmatic breathing activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which acts as an internal handbrake to lower tension and heart rate, helping the body and mind find their natural balance. In fact, studies have revealed that techniques like progressive muscle relaxation can reduce cortisol levels by 8-10%.
However, not everyone responds the same way. A classic psychological study found that 30.8% of those who practiced progressive relaxation and 53.8% of those who meditated reported feeling more anxious after trying them. This means that practices that calm some people can generate more stress and anxiety in others.
Why might trying to relax overwhelm you even more?
At first glance, it seems contradictory, since relaxation should reduce anxiety, not increase it. However, everyone is different. Research conducted at Pennsylvania State University provided some clues about this paradoxical reaction, finding that those who suffer from anxiety tend to be more sensitive to stress and have a tendency to want to control their emotions.
On the one hand, many traditional relaxation techniques encourage focusing on bodily sensations through breathing, body awareness, or muscle tension/relaxation. The goal is to notice these sensations and let them go as we relax our muscles or breathe slowly.
However, for some people with anxiety, focusing on these physical symptoms can be counterproductive. Paying attention to breathing, heartbeat, or muscle tension generates more discomfort and distress, ultimately increasing their baseline anxiety level . In other words, these techniques make physical discomfort even more conscious, which increases stress.
On the other hand, the tendency to control can become an additional source of tension, especially when we start with the idea that we will not be able to relax and manage those “negative” emotions.
If we’re in a state of hypervigilance, monitoring everything we feel, afraid that those emotions will spiral out of control, it will be absolutely impossible for us to relax. That feeling of vulnerability can make relaxation stressful instead of enjoyable.
The Taoist secret to truly relaxing
In Taoism, contemplative practice is understood more as a spontaneous openness to experience than as a formal technique with a specific goal. This idea is deeply linked to the principle of Wu wei, which means non-forced action.
In “The Way of Zen” (a book I recommend), Alan Watts mentions Hui-neng’s teachings when he said that “Instead of trying to purify or empty the mind, we simply have to let go of it […] Concentrating on the mind and contemplating it until it is still is a disease and not dhyana” (a state of unified consciousness).
Basically, that means that if you meditate with a specific goal (whether it’s to relax or empty your mind), you’re not meditating. The state of still, calm awareness “Doesn’t arise because we try to reach it; it comes only when we are sitting and mindful with no purpose in our minds, not even the purpose of being free of purpose,” Watts explained.
We can apply that same reasoning to relaxation. In other words, when you focus too much on relaxing, you create inner tension that prevents you from achieving that goal. You’re so focused on the signs of tension that you end up reinforcing them. Therefore, the key lies in practicing these techniques without imposing a rigid goal or intention. Then relaxation and calm will come naturally.
What if you are unable to achieve it?
It’s okay. There’s no single “right” way to relax; you just have to find what helps you unwind. Maybe it’s movement. Some people relax by going for a walk or exercising. Others relax by listening to music or dancing. The important thing is that the activity you choose doesn’t occupy your mind; in other words, you’re not going to relax by binge-watching TV series or scrolling through social media. That’s called escapism, and it will only exhaust you mentally.
References:
Kim, H. & Newman, M. G. (2019) The paradox of relaxation training: Relaxation induced anxiety and mediation effects of negative contrast sensitivity in generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. J Affect Disord; 259: 271-278.
Chellew, K. et. Al. (2015) The effect of progressive muscle relaxation on daily cortisol secretion. Stress; 18(5): 538–544.
Heide, F. J. & Borkovec, T. D. (1983) Relaxation-induced anxiety: paradoxical anxiety enhancement due to relaxation training. J. Consult. Clin. Psychol; 51: 171–182.
Leave a Reply