If it’s not in your hands, leave it out of your mind

It’s happened to all of us: worried about something we can’t change, we give it turns and more turns in our minds as if that’s how we’re going to solve the problem. But, what if I told you that that constant worrying is not only not helping, but is mentally and physically exhausting? After all, worrying gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere. For that reason, if something is not in your hands, it will be better to leave it out of your mind.

The obsession with wanting to control it all

Our brains are programmed to look for certainties and patterns – even where they do not exist. In an experiment conducted at the University of Texas, psychologists found that when we feel insecure, we perceive patterns where there are none, even in TV static. That generates some security for us, even if it is illusory.

When we don’t know what’s going to happen, we go into a state of alert because our brain interprets that lack of control and information as a threat. To escape those uncomfortable feelings, our mind works at forced gears trying to find explanations and solutions.

The problem is that when the answer is not in our hands, we can fall into an exhausting cycle: we worry, we make a thousand plans in our minds and, when we fail to change anything, we get even more frustrated and feel anxious. And back to the beginning.

That dynamic creates a negative emotional feedback where constant worry reinforces the feeling of powerlessness. In the end, we get caught in a spiral of repetitive thoughts that lead nowhere, which not only wears down our mental health, but also limits our ability to act on what we can change since, by focusing so much in what escapes us, ends also escapes us what is in our hands.

Stop worrying: an impossible mission?

Many times we cling to a situation because we believe that, if we stop thinking about it, we minimize its importance or give up on finding a solution. For example, when we have problems at work or in a relationship, our mind can get caught in a loop marked by the “what could I have done differently? ” or “what if the worst happens? ”.

This obsessive focus is not only unproductive, but it takes us away from the present and what we can actually do.

Disconnecting from the problem does not mean forgetting, but that we choose to preserve our peace of mind and focus on what we can control. It does not mean minimizing what is happening, but understanding that at this time we can not do anything to change the situation. It does not mean running away, but making a conscious choice that allows us to free up mental space to devote to more constructive things.

How to put out of your mind what is not in your hands?

Living worried about what we cannot control is a destructive habit that keeps us from moving forward. Learning to free our minds from those worries will help us live more lightly and focused. How to achieve it?

1. Recognize what is in your hands – and what is not. Make a list. Divide the situation you are worried about into two columns: one for what you can change and one for what is out of your control. For example, if you are worried about a job interview, what you can control is your preparation, your answers, arriving on time and dressing appropriately. The decisions of the interviewer, the questions he will ask you or the number of aspirants who will appear are factors that you cannot control. Visualizing that separation will help you understand that you are not God, so that some things are not in your hands.
2. Practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance does not mean that you like or approve of the situation, but that you acknowledge its existence without putting up emotional resistance. It means understanding that resistance equals suffering, while acceptance allows you to channel your energy towards what you can handle. It means understanding that you may not be able to change something, but you can choose how to react.
3. Use the mental box technique. This psychological strategy consists of imagining a locked box in which you keep the worries and problems that at the moment you cannot solve. Close your eyes and imagine a safe. Mentally place the problem inside, close the box and visualize moving away from it. By keeping them symbolically you reduce their emotional burden and can distance yourself from them, minimizing their impact on your wellbeing and day to day.
4. Focus on your circle of control. Stephen Covey proposed the circle of control technique, which you can use to better manage your worries. Make a list of everything you care about and divide it into one of these three categories: 1. What you can control (your thoughts, decisions, actions), 2. That over which you can influence (the opinions of others, certain circumstances) and , 3. What you can’t control (the past, other people’s decisions). Then focus only on the first two and stop investing time and energy in the latter.
5. Let your values ​​guide you. Many times we lose perspective and worry about a thousand things that really aren’t worth it and aren’t even in tune with our goals. In those cases, your value system can be a compass for deciding how to act and where to invest your energy. When you focus on what really matters to you, you will find that many worries pass into the background, so you can take a great deal of weight off.
6. Change your internal narrative. Sometimes, suffering comes not so much from the facts but from how you interpret them. Cognitive restructuring is a psychological technique that will help you rethink useless or negative worries. It replaces thoughts like “I should be able to solve it ” with “I’m doing the best I can with what I have ”. Talking to yourself and treating yourself with compassion will allow you to face situations with less self-demandingness.
7. Accept uncertainty as part of life. Life is uncertain by nature. And the sooner you accept it, the better. Sometimes we can’t have all the answers or solve all the problems. Instead of fighting it, focus on building tolerance for uncertainty. Ask yourself: What is the worst that could happen? Is it really that terrible? You are likely to discover that it is not as bad as it seems or that you could bear it.

Of course, talking to a friend, family member, or therapist might also help you process your emotions and gain perspective. Sometimes, sharing the emotional load lightens its burden.

Source:

Whitson, JA Galinsky, AD (2008) Lacking Control Increases Illusory Pattern Perception Science ; 322 (5898): 115-117.