“In the end, you only have what you give,” wrote Isabel Allende. What may seem like an indecipherable koan is actually just an expression of popular wisdom: you reap what you sow. So, if you are at a point in your life where you don’t like what you receive, it may be time to pay more attention to what you are projecting to the world.
It all starts with you
Society has taught us to value our experiences by what we get out of them, which pushes us to focus only on the results. So it’s no wonder we always ask ourselves: Did I receive the recognition I deserved? Am I being valued fairly?
But what if we turned those questions around and, instead of questioning what we are receiving, we thought about what we are giving.
Many of the dissatisfactions you experience are likely to be an echo of what you offer – or fail to offer – to others and to the world at large. For example, if you feel that you are not receiving support in difficult times, have you considered whether you are helping those in need enough? If you perceive an emotional distance in your relationships, have you stopped to reflect on the feelings you share?
We often focus too much on what we think we deserve, but we rarely reflect on what we are contributing. In fact, one of the main irrational beliefs that Albert Ellis pointed out is thinking that others should love us, accept us and make our lives easier.
Often, we focus so much on our own expectations and needs that we lose sight of the expectations and needs of others. Changing your perspective and looking outside will not only positively transform your relationships, it will also help you find deeper meaning in everything you do.
The mirror effect: what you give, comes back
Life, like a mirror, reflects what we project. If you feel that your interactions are cold or you perceive certain shortcomings, perhaps it is time to ask yourself: am I expressing what I want to receive in return?
Jean-Paul Sartre argued that we are responsible for giving meaning to our existence. What we put into the world not only determines how others see us, but also how we construct our own identity. It is impossible to convey trust, empathy or love if you feel insecure, empty or unfulfilled inside.
If we project selfishness, resentment, emotional coldness, apathy or lack of responsibility, we will be trapped in a vicious circle because those around us will respond accordingly to those emotions, which will end up damaging the relationship.
Everything we project, from our words to our actions and even our thoughts, has an impact. Think of it like a mirror: if you give out love, empathy and understanding, you will cultivate those qualities in those around you and you will be more likely to receive those feelings back.
For example, instead of asking for attention, give quality time. Instead of seeking validation, offer it sincerely. Of course, it’s not about forcing a positive attitude all the time or always being available, but about being more aware of your actions, their impact on those around you, and the energy you generate.
If you struggle to give your best, how do you expect others to give you their best? When you begin to see the world through that prism, your environment is more likely to begin to respond in a way that is more aligned with what you really need.
In fact, remember that we all have an unconscious tendency to imitate the emotions of others. Emotional mimicry is what allows us to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes or, on the contrary, to distance ourselves so as not to be infected by their emotional states. The ability to capture, identify and tune into the feelings of others is a powerful social glue, but it can also become a boomerang if you continually project negative emotions.
It’s not magic or some kind of “instant karma,” it’s just the reality of human relationships: what you put out into the world creates a domino effect that will come back to you in some way. So if you don’t like what you’re getting, take a look at what you’re giving. As Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
References:
Fischer, A. & Hess, U. (2017) Mimicking emotions. Current Opinion in Psychology; 17: 151-155.
Fischer, A. et. Al. (2012) Emotional mimicry in social context: the case of disgust and pride. Front. Psychol.; 3: 10.3389.
