We all look for certainties. We are programmed for it. Our brain looks for patterns and explanations to make sense of the world around us and feel safer. We like to think that our lives are orderly, predictable and subject to our control. And this trend also extends to relationships.
We commit to a person and decide to marry because the security that comes from love far outweighs the doubts and apprehension. We take the step when certainty wins by a landslide over uncertainty. However, love is much more effective in bringing us together than in keeping us together. And when love begins to fade, it usually causes a real emotional tsunami in the relationship.
The 2 most important and unknown emotional rules
In couple relationships, the illusion of certainty translates into the belief that “We will be together until death do us part” or that “We will be happy forever.” It is the complete confidence that the person we have chosen is our better half or that we have the keys to making the relationship work.
However, there is a problem: 100% certainty is an illusion magnified by the power of love.
1. Feelings are self-validating. Neuroscience has proven that love is blind, at least at the beginning. Being a feeling, love validates itself without the need for many tests. For example, if we feel afraid, we assume that we are in danger and if we are in love, we assume that the relationship will be wonderful. As it is a feeling that comes from within us, we do not usually question it, nor do we question the conclusions we draw from what we feel. That, obviously, locks us in a self-referential loop.
2. Our emotional intensity invalidates other people’s feelings. As if that were not enough, the more intense the feeling we experience, the more it will absorb us and the less we will notice the emotional states of others. If we are euphoric, it will be difficult to notice that a person is having a hard time and if we are resentful, it will be difficult for us to notice the sadness of those around us. Feelings are “enveloping” and the deeper they are, the more we will tend to project them onto others, ignoring our own feelings.
What does all that mean?
That love engrosses us and, although it may seem like a contradiction, makes us less sensitive to the subtleties of our partner’s emotional world. In reality, what we do to a large extent is project our love onto that person, to validate the decision we have made and feel more secure.
When the spell is broken and your partner becomes someone you like less
When the intensity of love decreases (although it would be more correct to refer to falling in love) we stop projecting our feelings on the other. Then Pandora’s box opens. We begin to see some things in our partner that we don’t like very much. We begin to notice their flaws and mistakes.
In reality, those “flaws” already existed, but we didn’t see them because we wanted to convince ourselves that he was the perfect person for us.
For this reason, the second year of a relationship is usually one of the most complicated. More discussions and conflicts arise over all kinds of issues, from the most existential issues to the most trivial and everyday disagreements. Many of these discussions will be about who washes the dishes or who forgets things, but in reality what they hide is a deep disappointment and fear of uncertainty.
When the illusion of certainty fades, what our unconscious is expressing in those discussions about mundane things that did not matter to us before is: “I thought you were perfect, so I feel cheated.” It also says: “I’m afraid of losing control over what I thought was a story with a happy ending.”
If you blame your partner for this, the relationship is likely to start to break and fail or even become toxic.
To love you have to let go of the fear of the uncertain
Certainty is an illusion. Uncertainty is everywhere – also in relationships. Assuming this will help you start a life as a couple with a much more pragmatic, constructive and healthy perspective for both of you.
In fact, they say that loving is easy, the difficult thing is maintaining the relationship. Love is the essential pillar, but it is not enough for the couple to stay together. It is much better to assume the relationship as an adventure in which both of you will discover each other as you change, rather than as a certain result thanks to the “guarantee of love.”
It is better that you renew your vows every day because then you will strive to give the best of yourself, instead of assuming that love will be enough to keep you together. The illusion of certainty will push you so much to want the relationship to work perfectly, that it will prevent you from seeing its real value and, above all, from adapting to the changes that will inevitably occur.
It is better that you free yourself from the belief that that person will be by your side – no matter what you do – and start making an effort because that person really wants to be by your side so that they consciously choose you every day. And vice versa.
References:
Stosny, S. (2013) Love and the Illusion of Certainty. In: Psychology Today.
Sturmberg, J. P. (2011) The illusion of certainty-a deluded perception? J Eval Clin Pract; 17(3): 507-510.
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