We usually associate “letting go” with loss, which often creates a bitter feeling. Perhaps we’ve assumed we have to let go of everything that hurts us, but we still can’t shake off that feeling of abandonment, emptiness, and helplessness. Sometimes we feel that letting go means letting go of the grips of security and the familiar and jumping into the void without a parachute.
Obviously, this feeling doesn’t help us let go; on the contrary, it creates an opposing force that keeps us tied to what hurts us. Even though we know we must let go of the burden, the feeling of loss is so overwhelming and the uncertainty so great that we cling to that weight. This way, we can spend months or even years struggling between holding on and letting go.
Our terrible aversion to loss
Throughout our lives, we’ve developed a deep aversion to loss. This is due to various psychological mechanisms that are triggered, most of which are nothing more than illusions we’ve assumed to be true.
– Sense of security. One of the main causes of our loss aversion lies in our habits. Habits give us security because they allow us to keep our environment relatively under control. If we do more or less the same things every day, we believe we minimize the likelihood of something bad happening. Every loss involves a readjustment of those habits, so we feel the security we’ve built is shaken. Then we become afraid. In reality, just consider that this control is quite illusory; it’s a fragile house of cards that any small change can bring down. At first, this certainty generates anxiety, but later, it’s liberating.
– Emotional bond. A particularly interesting study conducted at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology revealed that as soon as we own something, it increases in value before our eyes. This is what is known in psychology as the “endowment effect.” The problem is that we immediately establish an emotional connection, which keeps us attached to things, situations, or people even when they no longer bring us happiness or even harm us. In Buddhist philosophy, this emotional bond is called attachment, and it is considered one of the causes of our unhappiness.
– Dichotomous thinking. We tend to think in extreme and antagonistic terms. No matter how hard we try to see the colors, the truth is that the Aristotelian thinking pattern we’ve been instilled with is black and white. Therefore, we assume that loss is emptiness, as opposed to gain, which we assume is synonymous with fulfillment. This type of thinking is biased and prevents us from assuming a broader and more complex perspective of the world, a perspective that would help us eliminate much of our existential anxiety.
Letting go is also letting come
There is a very interesting Buddhist parable that will help us deal with loss and let go of everything that harms us from a different perspective.
A man renowned for his erudition decided one day to visit a renowned Zen master to learn what he still needed to know. The master welcomed him into the monastery and invited him to tea.
As soon as he sat down, the scholar told him that he had spent his entire life studying and recounted the entire history of Zen Buddhism. Finally, he said:
– I have traveled a long way so you can teach me everything I need to know about Zen.
The master didn’t answer; he took the cup and began to pour the tea. However, he didn’t stop when the drink filled the cup; the tea continued to flow from the teapot.
The scholar was astonished. He couldn’t believe that the famous teacher everyone was talking about could be so careless. However, he didn’t say anything.
The Zen master continued pouring the tea, which had already filled the tray. The man couldn’t contain himself, so he almost shouted at him:
– Stop! Can’t you see the cup is full and you’re spilling the tea?
At that point the Zen master stopped and replied:
– Exactly! Like a teacup, your mind is full. How do you expect me to teach you if you don’t empty it first?
In Buddhist philosophy, it is believed that for truly transcendental change to occur within us, we must first be able to let go of all the prejudices, thought patterns, beliefs, and attachments that limit us. We can only embrace change when we are willing to let go of who we are.
From this perspective, letting go does not have a negative meaning, on the contrary, it is a process of inner growth that follows the law of detachment, essential to allow new things to take their place.
Sometimes, remaining chained to the past prevents us from moving toward the future and all it holds. The chains of habit and the shackles of what we know keep us bound, preventing us from taking advantage of new opportunities.
Therefore, we can begin to see this “letting go” as a necessary step toward “letting come.” It’s not simply a loss, but a conscious act of detachment through which we allow ourselves to open up to new experiences. It’s a shift in perspective that can change everything and is undoubtedly worth it.
Reference:
Carmon, Z. & Ariely, D. (2000) Focusing on the Forgone: How Value Can Appear so Different to Buyers and Sellers. The Journal of Consumer Research ; 27(3): 360-370.
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