Are you looking for therapy or an emotional alibi?

In the psychological world, people don’t usually talk about things because they’re “politically incorrect,” but not everyone goes to therapy to change. Some people come to therapy to be told they’re right. They’re not looking for help, but rather emotional validation. They don’t really want a therapist, but rather an emotional notary to certify what they feel and want.

There is bad news: therapy is not meant to be that way – nor should it be.

Psychotherapy as an emotional trench

Psychological therapy isn’t an emotional spa. Nor is it a complaint box where you unload the week’s problems and leave with a motivational quote until the next session. Therapy is—or should be—a space where you see yourself without emotional makeup, where our contradictions, shadows, and latent conflicts come to light . But that’s uncomfortable. A lot.

And when something bothers them, some people, instead of looking within, expect the psychologist to look at others with a magnifying glass. Basically, they want the therapist to validate their idea that everyone is toxic . Some patients don’t seek therapy; they seek accomplices. And if you don’t agree with them, they experience it as a betrayal.

Many also expect the therapist to be a kind of GPS: to tell them where and which way to go and to recalculate the route if they stray. They think therapy means lounging on a couch and talking while the psychologist does the “hard” work. However, a good psychologist will never tell you what to do because their mission isn’t to decide for you, but to help you reflect so you can make the best possible decision and, of course, accept the consequences with maturity.

Therapy as an excuse

There are people who don’t seek help to grow, but rather an emotional alibi to continue the same, but with a therapeutic narrative that supports them and even sounds good, like: “I’m setting limits ,” even if those limits seem more like armored doors.

In these cases, people aren’t looking for guidance or direction to undertake transformative change, but rather for an emotional backing vocalist who validates their worldview. Understanding is sought, but no openness is offered. Validation is demanded, but the movement is rejected.

Therapy then ceases to be a tool for transformation and becomes a place of self-legitimization. A place where labels, phrases, and even diagnoses are collected as justifications to explain why the person cannot change.

In fact, another dangerous belief is that talking about your emotions is the same as working through them. NO. Talking helps. Expressing what you feel is cathartic. But it’s not necessarily synonymous with transformation. Some patients can spend months analyzing their history without moving a single piece of their current life.

The therapist is not an emotional notary

Obviously, psychologists have tools to try to break down these defense mechanisms , but we’re not magicians. Part of the success of therapy also depends on the patient’s commitment to change. In fact, when there’s no commitment, approximately 68% of people drop out of therapy.

If you go to a consultation expecting the psychologist to simply validate what you feel or think, without any commitment to reviewing anything in depth, the road will be very difficult.

Psychologists aren’t simply there to validate emotional pain and send patients back into the world with a “you’re right about everything, keep going.” They’re there to ask uncomfortable, but necessary, questions. To delve into what’s hidden. To bring out what’s bothering them.

Our job isn’t to validate everything the patient says, but to help them understand why they say it, what function it serves, and, above all, the cost of maintaining that narrative. If you come to a consultation expecting to be proven right about everything, you’ll likely leave frustrated.

What if I don’t want to change?

It’s okay. It’s okay. Not everyone is ready for change.

There’s nothing wrong with going to therapy for a bit of relief. But if that relief becomes a trench or an excuse to replicate the same patterns that generated the discomfort, then you’re not doing psychotherapy, but assisted self-indulgence.

Of course, people often need a supportive space before beginning the transformation process. And that’s also therapy. But you need to be honest before attending the first session and have clear expectations:

1. Am I here just to vent or to rethink something important?
2. Are you looking for psychological tools to improve or am I just looking for unconditional understanding?
3. Am I looking for temporary relief or am I ready to take responsibility for change?
4. Should I expect the psychologist to tell me what to do or to help me figure it out on my own?
5. Do I want to improve my relationships and my life, or do I just want others to change?

None of these options is “best,” but it’s important to be clear about them. Because therapy is most effective when you work from emotional truth, not from self-deception. If everything in your sessions feels pleasant and validating, you’re probably not digging deep enough. Because when you start questioning your mechanisms, your excuses, your relationships, and your narrative, something inside is stirred. And that’s a good sign.

You decide what kind of process you want to undertake, assuming that growing up can be uncomfortable, but it’s also deeply liberating. Because when we let go of the need for everything to be validated and dare to be a little uncomfortable, we begin to move. To rebuild ourselves. To become masters of our story, instead of hostages to our narrative.

Source:

Sivaji, R & Belgamwar, R. (2022) Improving Patient Engagement in Psychological Interventions. BJPsych Open; 8(1): S145.