Our brains aren’t programmed to make us happy, but to keep us safe. And this isn’t a trivial distinction because when something overwhelms us emotionally, whether it’s an unfair situation or psychological trauma, it automatically activates different strategies to protect us from the pain. Psychologists call these defense mechanisms, and they aren’t a system failure but an attempt at emotional survival.
The problem is that, while these mechanisms can help us tolerate what initially seems unbearable, they can also become patterns that distort how we feel, think, and react. Worst of all, these aren’t conscious choices; they often go unnoticed, and we even believe we’re reacting with perfect logic and common sense.
What are the most common defense mechanisms?
One of the largest studies to date on defense mechanisms revealed that they are far more common than previously thought. After analyzing more than 36,000 people, psychologists discovered that over 25% use at least one defense mechanism. They also found that using one defense mechanism increases the likelihood of employing others, and that young people are more prone to resorting to these strategies.
Although there are many types of defense mechanisms, there are three in particular that creep into our daily lives, affecting our relationships and causing discomfort as they keep us in a loop.
1. Displacement: when you pay the wrong person
Displacement occurs when the original emotion is too dangerous, unacceptable, or difficult to direct toward its true source, so the brain redirects it toward a target it considers safer. It’s a form of indirect emotional release when you can’t confront what truly threatens you, so you redirect it to another place where you have more control.
For example, if you have an authoritarian, unpredictable, or even humiliating boss, every interaction with them will trigger a state of tension, fear, or anger. However, you probably won’t be able to express this openly without suffering consequences. Therefore, your emotional system will accumulate this tension until you get home and explode over something seemingly insignificant, whether it’s unwashed dishes in the sink or a trivial comment.
From the outside, it seems like an overreaction, but it makes sense because your anger doesn’t stem from the dirty dish or the swear word, but from everything you’ve repressed throughout the day. This emotional release allows you to temporarily rebalance, but the true source of your unease remains untouched because the discharge happens where it’s easiest, not where it’s fairest or most helpful. Over time, this pattern often affects your closest relationships, as these people become the “emotional container” for what you can’t express outwardly.
How do I turn it off?
The first step is to identify the disconnect between what you feel and the actual situation. When a reaction is disproportionate, like when you explode over something trivial, it’s usually a sign that the emotion stems from somewhere else. At that moment, instead of justifying your reaction, try pausing to ask yourself: “Am I only reacting to this, or is there something more?”
Another helpful strategy is to create safer and more direct channels for emotional release. If you can’t express what you’re feeling in the moment, find spaces where you can do so without harming others, such as writing in a therapeutic journal, talking to someone you trust, or even exercising to physically release tension. The goal isn’t to repress the emotion, but to consciously redirect it, instead of letting it out automatically and hurting those who least deserve it.
2. Projection: seeing in others what you don’t want to see in yourself
Projection is another of the most common and, at the same time, most complex defense mechanisms. It consists of attributing to other people emotions, intentions, or traits that are actually part of you, but which you find difficult to recognize or accept.
Due to our upbringing, social pressures, or even certain emotional wounds, we develop an idealized image of ourselves in which we displace some characteristics, which then form what Jung called the “shadow.” Because these characteristics or emotions generate so much rejection in us, we project them onto others, often accusing them of being unreliable, disloyal, or uncommitted, when in reality we are sabotaging the relationship.
Projection is a subtle mechanism that involves expelling what is too painful to acknowledge. The problem is that, by doing so, we lose the opportunity to work on it and heal the wound because if we always believe the problem originates “outside,” there’s nothing to examine within. Furthermore, this defense mechanism often severely damages relationships, as we continually blame others for a problem that is truly our own.
How do I turn it off?
In this case, it’s necessary to shift your focus from the outside in. When you’re about to criticize someone, do a little exercise and ask yourself: “What part of that directly affects me?” It’s not about blaming yourself, but about exploring if something within yourself has been triggered, such as fear, insecurity, or an unhealed wound.
It also helps to compare your perception with reality. That is, to look for evidence: “Has that person actually done anything to justify what I think, or am I just interpreting things?” This habit reduces the tendency to project and increases accuracy when evaluating others. Over time, this type of self-observation strengthens emotional responsibility, which is the foundation for healthier relationships.
3. Denial: when reality hurts too much
Denial is one of the most primitive defense mechanisms, but also one of the most common. In fact, it is one of the first reactions to trauma. It consists of rejecting or minimizing a reality that is emotionally unbearable, acting as if doesn’t exist, thus serving as a kind of psychological anesthesia.
It can appear in very diverse situations, from not recognizing an addiction because we think we have our consumption under control, to minimizing the damage of a toxic relationship, or even avoiding grief after a significant loss. However, denial can also occur in more everyday situations, such as when you avoid checking your bank account because you know you’re overdrawn or when you postpone important decisions. In all cases, the principle is the same: if I don’t look at it, it doesn’t hurt.
The problem is that reality is permanent, so it doesn’t disappear by ignoring it. The problem remains active in the background, generating tension and unease. Denial may offer immediate relief, but it usually comes at a cost in the medium and long term because it prevents us from processing what is happening, making decisions, and closing emotional cycles.
How do I turn it off?
Denial doesn’t break down all at once, but gradually. A helpful way to begin is to name reality in manageable terms. You don’t need to accept everything at once, but you can take small steps, moving from believing that nothing is wrong to recognizing that it might be affecting you more than you thought. That nuance opens the door to change.
Another key is to approach reality with concrete data, not just feelings. You can focus more on patterns or pay closer attention to external feedback. Denial thrives on the vague, but loses its power when you make it tangible. It’s also important to understand that acceptance doesn’t mean giving up, but rather starting to have room to act. Because you can only change what you acknowledge.
In summary, these three defense mechanisms are psychological strategies for avoiding emotional pain when we lack the resources to process it in other ways. They are useful, but when applied indiscriminately, they end up causing more problems than they solve. Being able to identify them is the first step toward deactivating them and addressing the difficulty that caused them.
Source:
Blanco, C. et. al. (2023) Approximating defense mechanisms in a national study of adults: prevalence and correlates with functioning. Transl Psychiatry; 13(21): 10.1038.
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