Does the person who accompanied you party until late at night now prefer to lie on the couch drinking a chamomile infusion? Is that adventurer who dreamed of traveling half the world now too lazy to plan a short trip? Is the person who wanted to revolutionize the world now clinging to routine?
We all change.
The hair turns gray. The waist widens. The meats give way. What was once tolerable becomes unbearable. And vice versa. Accepting that your partner has changed can be difficult. Accept it, it is even more so. But it is the only way if you want to continue growing together.
Do you really know your partner?
In reality, we don’t marry the person so much as the version we have formed of them in our minds. And the same thing happens to the other, obviously. When we say “I do” and promise each other eternal love, we are truly committing to a snapshot (often colored by falling in love, which makes us blind to our flaws).
Of course, it is difficult for a kind, loving and thoughtful person to become a troglodyte, but the truth is that we do not know for sure who they will be in 10 or 20 years (just as we do not know who we will be). People change. And, therefore, the relationships. If we are not attentive to these transformations, we can lose the thread and discover one day that they are two true strangers living under the same roof.
Personality is much more malleable than Psychology itself recognized in its beginnings. A study carried out at the universities of Houston, Tübingen and Illinois revealed that as time passes we gain emotional stability and become more responsible and kind (although there are always exceptions that go in the opposite direction).
Obviously, these changes are gradual, they do not happen overnight. The problem is that with such hectic lives and full schedules, we don’t always have time to pay attention to these transformations and take the temperature of the relationship. As a result, when we notice the change we do not understand when or how it occurred and we can only say: “My partner has changed a lot, what the hell happened ?”
Transformations of the heart: how to face changes in the relationship?
All relationships change as they go through different phases over time. The first stage is the honeymoon or falling in love, where everything seems perfect and we walk on clouds. Then, in the second phase, reality sets in and we begin to notice the things that bother us about each other. Many couples break up at that point.
Those who manage to overcome it enter a phase of deconstruction in which they begin to understand that the myth of romantic love is not enough to move forward and they are prepared to commit to growing together looking in the same direction. For this there is only one secret: communication, communication and more communication.
Communication has always been (and will continue to be) the key to mitigating the negative feelings that change can generate in the relationship . Each person should feel free to talk about the transformations they are experiencing, but also about the changes they perceive in the other and the way in which all of this is influencing the relationship.
Added to these “natural” changes in personality are transformations in social roles. A person who suddenly loses his job and is forced to take care of household chores or, on the contrary, who must assume the entire financial burden of the home, may find themselves struggling to assume these new roles and responsibilities, looking for how to fit them into the new identity you are creating. If the couple does not remain attentive to those internal struggles of the other, it is likely that the “final” result will end up taking them by surprise.
To avoid reaching the point of no return where you feel alienated from each other, you must approach these changes with a curious attitude and a learning mindset. It is not about judging the other or wanting to anchor them to their “self” from the past, but about understanding who that person is now.
Of course, there may come a point where you need to ask yourself: can I accept this change?
If the change is too drastic, if your partner has practically become another person, to the point that it makes you feel uncomfortable or even causes discomfort, you have to talk about it. Romantic relationships, although they have their ups and downs, should not become a source of latent conflicts and dissatisfaction but rather a space that generates emotional security.
We must accept those changes that we can live with, that do not go against our well-being or our principles. It is likely that you have said your “I do” to one person and that the new person next to you has changed. That is precisely the magic of love: renewing your vows every day. Choose him/her again, now more aware of his/her virtues and defects. As long as that person is willing to do the same with you. Obviously.
Sources:
Hope, a. (2022) Watching a Partner Change Is Hard. Accepting It Can Be Harder. In: The New York Times.
Harris, M.A. et. Al. (2016) Personality Stability From Age 14 to Age 77 Years. Psychology of Aging ; 31(8): 862–874.
Leave a Reply