“Look at how I’ve reacted because of you”
“You’ve ruined my day”
“You always make me feel bad”
“You make me lose my patience”
These phrases are commonplace. They slip into everyday conversations without us considering their profound psychological implications: they externalize emotional management, attributing the origin and responsibility for what we feel to another person.
I call this phenomenon “outsourcing of emotional management,” a fairly common trend in interpersonal relationships that has a significant impact on our lives as it affects our psychological well-being.
How does the outsourcing of emotional management occur?
Outsourcing is an increasingly common business practice that involves hiring an external company or professional (called a “third party”) to handle some of the activities, processes, or services that were previously performed internally. This allows the company to reduce its workload.
In the emotional realm, a similar phenomenon occurs (often without us realizing it), through which we blame the other person for what we feel and expect them to manage our emotions, generally yielding to our wishes to “calm us down” or make us feel better.
Of course, we can all turn to others when we feel emotionally overwhelmed. And a study conducted at the University of Sydney revealed that we also tend to offer emotional support when we notice that others are not doing well, exercising what is known as extrinsic emotional regulation.
However, outsourcing emotional management is something else entirely and is distinguished by:
- Relinquishment of personal responsibility. The person does not assume their share of responsibility in emotional management, but rather hands it over to someone else.
- Attempt at emotional manipulation. Blaming the other person for what they feel, generally with the aim of manipulating them to change their behavior and satisfy their needs.
It’s important to clarify that this outsourcing process often occurs unconsciously. Sometimes it’s the result of an emotional pattern learned early in life, and other times it stems from an inability to manage one’s own emotions.
In any case, just as a company cannot outsource its processes if there is no third party willing to take them on, a person cannot delegate the management of their emotions if there is no one willing to “play along” with them.
The consequences of emotional outsourcing
Externalizing the management of emotions can have immediate positive effects: we feel relieved because we locate the cause and solution of our discomfort outside of ourselves. However, the medium- and long-term cost is significant.
- Reduction of emotional autonomy
When we blame others for our emotions, we diminish our ability to regulate them. This creates an emotional dependency where our stability is at the mercy of someone else’s actions or words. If we become accustomed to relinquishing control, we will likely become increasingly less able to manage our emotions simply because we gradually lose that ability.
- Cycles of conflict and relational breakdown
Blaming others for our emotions often triggers defensive reactions that frequently lead to arguments about who is responsible. For example, a harsh comment blaming someone for what we feel can put that person on the defensive. The situation can quickly escalate, resulting in a discussion about who is to blame, instead of focusing on finding a solution.
- Frustration and resentment
Outsourcing emotional management fosters unrealistic expectations in relationships because we expect the other person to know how to make us feel good. When these expectations aren’t met, frustration intensifies, disillusionment takes hold, and the relationship deteriorates. If we believe someone should have acted differently to prevent our suffering, we can end up accumulating a great deal of resentment.
Finally, it is worth remembering that difficulties in regulating our emotions are associated with problems such as impulsivity, anxiety, or intense anger that is disproportionate to the situation, as a study from the University of Singapore found.
By outsourcing emotional management, we focus so much on what the other person did or didn’t do that we forget the ultimate responsibility for managing our emotional response rests solely with us. In the long run, this deprives us of the opportunity to develop regulation skills that strengthen our resilience and overall well-being.
Taking responsibility for our emotions
Accepting that our emotions are our responsibility – and no one else’s – is the first step toward developing effective emotional management. This means being aware that, although external circumstances influence what we feel, we are ultimately the ones who choose how to react.
- Recognize the internal origin of emotions. Before attributing an emotional state to another person, I always recommend asking yourself: “How am I interpreting this situation?” and “What thoughts are contributing to me feeling this way?” Identifying these internal components gives us back control over our emotional state.
- Accepting emotions. Emotional outsourcing is often the result of an inability to accept uncomfortable emotions. This discomfort pushes us to project it outward, hoping someone else will alleviate it. Instead, to regain control, we need to accept that we will experience unpleasant emotions, but that just as they came, they will go. We must learn to feel relatively comfortable with discomfort.
- Moving from outsourcing to co-regulation. Other people’s emotions are contagious. There’s no doubt about that. But that doesn’t mean we should blame them for what we feel. A more mature strategy involves moving from outsourcing to co-regulation, so that we can find help in others to understand and manage what we feel, without relinquishing responsibility for regulating it.
What if someone tries to blame us for their emotions?
In that case, it is advisable to stop and honestly review our behavior, assess whether we have really acted inappropriately, and assume our share of the responsibility – if any.
However, taking responsibility does not mean carrying emotions that do not belong to us: each person is responsible for how they interpret and manage what happens to them.
Therefore, in addition to personal reflection, it is essential to set limits and make it clear that we can take responsibility for our actions and try to repair the damage, but that we are not willing to assume the emotional regulation of anyone else.
References:
Double, K. S. et. Al. (2024) Regulating others’ emotions: An exploratory study of everyday extrinsic emotion regulation in university students. Personality and Individual Differences; 226: 112687.
Chan, K. et. Al. (2023) Emotion dysregulation and symptoms of anxiety and depression in early adolescence: Bidirectional longitudinal associations and the antecedent role of parent–child attachment. British Journal of Developmental Psychology; 41(3): 291-305.
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