Many of us grew up hearing that “asking for forgiveness is brave,” that “acknowledging our mistakes is wise,” and that “a sincere apology can repair any damage.” And yes, in many cases, it’s true. Asking for forgiveness is an act of maturity. Acknowledging that you messed up, taking responsibility, and trying to repair the damage caused is a courageous and healing gesture.
But what happens when we apologize excessively? When we apologize for things that don’t deserve an apology, when we censor ourselves for fear of upsetting others, or when we assume blame that isn’t ours.
The trivialization of apologies
Lately, it seems that the word “sorry” has become a sort of social catch-all for avoiding inconvenience, for being liked, or for defusing conflicts before they arise. In an era where everyone’s skin is too thin, apologies become the remedy before the damage is done.
Without realizing it, we have “prostituted” apologies: an excessive, superficial, and automatic use of “I’m sorry” strips these words of their true value. We end up apologizing for things that aren’t mistakes, for legitimate choices, for healthy boundaries, for human needs… And in the process, we make ourselves invisible, diminish ourselves, and censor ourselves.
However, there are several reasons not to apologize.
1. You don’t have to apologize when you haven’t done anything wrong
You’ve probably apologized more than once just because someone got upset, even though it wasn’t your fault. In fact, the tendency to apologize out of politeness is quite common, especially among people who prefer to avoid conflict.
However, apologizing without a real reason sends a dangerous message:
- Normalize others blaming you unfairly.
- Invite them to abuse your goodwill.
Therefore, instead of apologizing, taking responsibility for something you’re not guilty of, it would be better to seek clarification. Ask that person what they think you did wrong. And if you disagree, be honest. Instead of apologizing just to be polite, explain your true intention.
2. You don’t have to apologize for setting boundaries
Maintaining distance, defending your personal space, or even saying “no” to plans you don’t feel like doing isn’t selfish; it’s self-care. Yet, we often feel guilty for setting healthy and necessary limits.
We blurt out, “Sorry, I just need to be alone,” or “Sorry, but I can’t help you with that right now.” Why apologize for something we consider essential to protecting our mental health?
Obviously, setting boundaries can make others uncomfortable or even upset them, but that doesn’t make it a fault. It’s your right. Your boundaries are an expression of the red lines you’re not willing to cross, so they’re not an offense that requires an apology.
3. You don’t have to apologize for prioritizing yourself
Prioritizing what you need over what others want isn’t betrayal or selfishness, but mere emotional survival. Despite this, we carry around the idea that putting ourselves first means being “bad people.”
This belief makes us feel guilty, as if taking care of ourselves means failing others. We think that saying “I can’t be with you today because I need to rest ” is selfish. Or that postponing a conversation to protect our peace of mind is insensitive.
But it isn’t. You can’t give what you don’t have. And if you don’t prioritize yourself, no one else will. So, you don’t have to apologize when you need time alone with yourself or put your needs first.
4. You don’t have to apologize for what you feel
Feeling sad, angry, confused, or overwhelmed isn’t something you should justify or fix. Your emotions aren’t a system failure. You can’t control your emotional reactions; what you can control is how you express them.
Feeling isn’t a crime or a reason to be ashamed. In fact, if someone makes you feel like your emotions are a burden, maybe what you need isn’t to apologize… but to surround yourself with people who understand you without judgment.
Of course, that’s no excuse for unleashing uncontrolled emotions. But as long as you express them assertively and with respect for others, you don’t have to apologize for feeling the way you do. After all, why apologize for being human?
5. You don’t have to apologize for healing at your own pace.
We all have different times to heal wounds, let go of relationships, forgive, close the circles of life … And yet, we often feel pressured to “be okay” quickly, so as not to inconvenience others by prolonging the drama.
However, if you’re grieving, processing a breakup, or in the midst of a crisis… you don’t have to apologize for still being broken, for not having answers, or for not being emotionally available to others.
Healing is a process, not a performance . And apologizing for continuing to suffer only reinforces the idea that feeling bad is wrong. You don’t have to make excuses for feeling bad.
6. You don’t have to apologize for speaking the truth respectfully
Being honest isn’t the same as being cruel. And if you’ve said something clearly, without disrespect, and with good intentions, you don’t have to apologize just because the other person was upset or can’t handle it.
The truth may hurt. But that doesn’t make it aggressive. Even so, we often feel guilty for speaking our minds, simply because the other person didn’t take it well. But we can’t live with the obligation to sugarcoat everything we feel or think just for fear of upsetting others.
Honesty doesn’t require apologies. Aggression does. And they’re not the same thing. It’s not about becoming a kamikaze of truth, but about being true to your reality and principles without attacking others.
7. You don’t have to apologize if it makes you feel worse
There are many types of apologies. Sometimes we apologize out of social pressure, not out of conviction. We do it to avoid criticism, maintain a positive image, meet other people’s expectations, or even because someone pushes us, like when we were kids and our parents forced us to apologize.
However, a fake apology is worse than no apology at all because it’s hypocritical, doesn’t usually resolve the real problem, and probably makes you feel worse. Genuine apologies aren’t a burden; on the contrary, they lighten your mood.
Therefore, if your apology isn’t sincere or is merely a band-aid, it’s likely not helpful. Sometimes we don’t regret something. And that’s okay too. Later, if you reflect and see fit, you can offer a genuine apology and repair the damage.
Of course, this isn’t an apology for arrogance or an invitation to indifference. When you realize you’ve hurt someone, even unintentionally, or when you’ve crossed a line, it’s necessary to apologize.
Apologies are useful and necessary. In fact, they can be extremely healing, both for the person making them and for the person receiving them. But if you use them for everything, they lose meaning. Therefore, it’s about asserting your own judgment and the right to be yourself without having to ask for permission or forgiveness at every turn.
Leave a Reply