On one occasion Cervantes stated that “The worst reconciliation is preferable to the best divorce.” I don’t really agree with his idea but apparently there are many people who do. In fact, despite all the difficulties experienced when a relationship breaks down, a very high percentage of people choose reconciliation. In statistical terms, we are referring to the fact that approximately 75% of people have returned to a partner from whom they had separated.
But… is this reconciliation based on ignorance of the facts, on the persistence of love, on positive illusions or perhaps on a hidden masochistic tendency?
Actually the causes that lead to reconciliation are many and range from the fact that love still exists to the fear of loneliness or the longing for the habits of a couple. Of course, the ideal is for reconciliation to be guided by the bonds of love and for both people to recognize their responsibilities for the previous failure, committing to avoid past mistakes.
Reconciliation is not starting from scratch
People are usually guided by two major theories that oppose each other:
1. Human nature is stable and does not like change
2. Human nature itself seeks change
Those who are guided by the first theory tend to think that there is a person in the world destined for them and, therefore, they must be together for life. Those who are guided by the second theory know that love must be nurtured and that change in relationships can be a normal process when the reasons for being together end.
The truth is that both theories are both true and false at the same time. That is, change is necessary to develop as people but at the same time, we show some resistance to it. Thus, the ideal would be to achieve a perfect balance.
When it comes to relationships, there are some things that can be changed as long as we make the effort, and there are other aspects that will be particularly difficult to transform. The possibility of change plays an essential role in the moment of breakup and reconciliation. Basically (and roughly speaking) we decide to break up a relationship when we consider that the other person cannot change to satisfy our demands.
On the contrary, we decide to reconcile when we have verified that the other person has changed or when we believe that they can really change. Obviously, valuing the ability to change is difficult (both in oneself and in others) and sometimes we make mistakes when making these decisions.
But if it is difficult to break up, it is even more difficult to reconcile. And reconciliation, as much as we want to understand it as a “new beginning”, is really more of an extension of the previous relationship. This means that we cannot forget everything that happened and that the past will always determine the new relationship in one way or another. Starting from scratch is not the same as starting from a path where there are often many unhealed wounds.
However, the fact that you have a history of a previous relationship does not necessarily have to be negative. If both people are able to learn from the past so as not to make the same mistakes and truly commit to the relationship, then reconciliation can be positive. However, if one partner is unable to forget what happened or commit to change, so that the past continues to be relived, then reconciliation is negative and will only cause more pain.
Another detail that we often forget in reconciliation, especially if it takes place after a relatively long period of time, is that the person we are going to meet again is not the same (for better or worse). That is, during the time of separation we often exacerbate positive memories and on many occasions these lead us to idealize the other person or to return to only the traits that we liked the most. However, the other also had experiences during this time that may have changed him or her. Therefore, expecting a reconciliation with exactly the same person is a utopia, nor can one yearn to maintain only the most positive aspects of the previous relationship.
Also in this case, the change that has occurred in the other does not have to be negative but on the contrary, it can provide a dose of mystery to the relationship, allowing us to rediscover the relationship and understand them from a totally different perspective.
In summary , when is couple reconciliation recommended?
Reconciliation is positive when:
1. There is mutual trust. This means that both partners can return to the relationship without resentment because their wounds have healed, so the past will not become a heavy burden to carry.
2. There is love and passion. The rest of the reasons are usually not strong enough to make the relationship last satisfactorily over time.
3. There is commitment to change. Both people recognize their mistakes and are willing to change to improve the relationship.
