Sooner or later, adversity knocks at the door. Problems will appear and we better be prepared to face them. The most resilient people, those who are capable of growing in adversity, share some characteristics. They generally have a greater sense of humor, are more flexible, and are able to adjust their expectations.
However, much of that strength also comes from within them, from the way they deal with adversity and, above all, from the mental dialogue they set in motion. Speaker and trainer Scott Mautz has found that most emotionally strong people avoid using certain phrases, both with themselves and in relationships with others.
The things that a person with a resilient mindset never says to themselves
The words we use can shape our world, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. They can cheer us up when things go wrong or, on the contrary, make us fall apart. People with a resilient mindset usually avoid these phrases:
1. “I am how I am”
Resilient people have a growth mindset. They are aware that skills are not a fixed asset but something that can be shaped and developed with effort. They do not tie themselves to a fixed image of themselves or hide behind the excuse “I am how I am, I can’t change”, but rather they assume a “self” in continuous transformation, which flows and adapts to circumstances. This helps them to cope better with problems because they are aware that, although they do not immediately have all the necessary psychological resources, they trust that they can develop them.
2. “Why me?”
The next time you are tempted to ask yourself “why did this happen to me?”, think twice. This phrase hides the belief in a just world, which is being tremendously unfair by “punishing” you in this way. However, the truth is that the world follows its own rules and simply crying over spilled milk won’t help. Being resilient means not remaining paralyzed in the role of victim, but rather taking charge and taking action. That type of mindset allows resilient people to minimize the damage and distress that complaining and self-pity often generate.
3. “This is your fault”
Mentally strong people don’t feel the need to point fingers at others or blame an abstract entity – like the universe – even when things go wrong. Instead of projecting blame outward, they assume their share of responsibility. They have a locus of control internal; that is, a tendency to interpret results as a direct consequence of their actions, not due to external forces. In this way they manage to take control of their lives and take responsibility for their actions. These people don’t waste time looking for culprits, they simply say to themselves: “Okay, things didn’t go as I expected, what can I do now? ”
4. “But what if…?”
Hesitating is human. We are all assailed by doubts at some point, but it is important not to dwell on them for too long. As Formula 1 pilots say, if you stare at the track barrier, instead of looking ahead, you will drive straight into it. Similarly, if you focus on everything that can go wrong in a high-tension situation, you will end up driving your “metaphorical car” directly toward those negative outcomes. Resilient people deal with setbacks, but they don’t dwell on them too much. They do not allow them to steal their psychological energy, but rather they draw up a plan of action. This keeps them focused on what they need to do with a proactive attitude.
5. “I don’t care what anyone thinks”
Probably one of Mautz’s most interesting discoveries concerns the fact that people with a resilient mindset do not lock themselves in an echo chamber. They do not isolate themselves from external perspectives thinking that they have the absolute truth in their hand, but rather they believe that they can benefit from the contributions of others. Of course, that doesn’t mean that they change direction to satisfy others, but rather that they have enough self-confidence to be able to gather opinions, manage disagreements, and make informed decisions without feeling attacked or pressured.
Without a doubt, maintaining the right mindset is an essential component of resilience. Those who adopt a realistic perspective and remain open to challenges are able to see adversities as opportunities for growth and learning. This will not only help them manage stress better, but will also encourage a more proactive attitude towards problem solving. By focusing on solutions and preserving optimism, resilient people can overcome obstacles and achieve their goals despite difficulties.
However, it all starts with your inner dialogue, so pay more attention to it from now on.
