Every relationship has conflicts and goes through periods of crisis. In fact, a strong and stable couple isn’t one free of problems, but rather one that is capable of overcoming obstacles and emerging stronger from adversity. However, there are times when problems overwhelm the couple’s resources. In that case, therapy may be the best solution.
Unfortunately, many couples wait five to six years to seek help. After so much time dealing with conflict and practicing dysfunctional behavior patterns, the relationship is often very frayed, and one partner has generally stopped believing that a solution exists.
In these cases, the therapist is expected to offer quick solutions, make decisions the couple is hesitant to make, or “convince” one partner. However, these are not the psychologist’s roles in couple therapy.
What is the role of the psychologist in couple therapy?
- Problem detection. The reason for consultation is rarely the problem itself. This is because relationships develop dynamics that are not always easy to detect and that not only contribute to the problem, but also fuel it. One of the psychologist’s roles is to unravel the skein to identify what is preventing the couple from enjoying their relationship.
- Conflict mediation. The therapist should not take sides, but rather act as an arbitrator so the couple can reestablish communication channels, promoting a more understanding and empathetic attitude in each partner.
- Counseling. Once the core of the conflict has been identified, the psychotherapist will work to help both parties adopt a more open and flexible attitude toward the crisis in the relationship, inviting the couple to reflect on the responsibilities of each partner and the range of options they can take to gradually enrich the relationship, rather than undermine its foundations. Or, to separate.
Catalyst for insight and change
One of the psychologist’s most crucial roles in couple therapy is acting as a catalyst for insight and change. Rather than simply observing or moderating, the therapist actively helps partners recognize patterns they may be too emotionally entangled to see on their own. This involves creating the conditions for self-reflection – individually and as a couple – so that each person can begin to understand how their behavior, beliefs, and emotional reactions contribute to the relational dynamic.
Part of this role includes challenging unhelpful dynamics that have become normalized or invisible over time. Whether it’s recurring blame, emotional withdrawal, passive-aggressive behavior, or rigid power imbalances, the psychologist brings these patterns to light and explores how they maintain the couple’s distress. Importantly, this challenge is never about confrontation or judgment; it’s about offering new perspectives that disrupt the cycle just enough to allow for conscious change.
Equally important is the psychologist’s role in encouraging personal responsibility and growth. Rather than allowing either partner to assume a purely reactive or victimized position, the therapist fosters a mindset where each individual acknowledges their role in the relationship’s struggles – and its healing. This does not mean assigning equal blame, but rather empowering both partners to engage actively in the change process with honesty and intention.
Ultimately, the psychologist’s goal in this capacity is to support the couple in building a relationship that is more conscious, compassionate, and resilient. By catalyzing insight and growth, therapy moves beyond symptom relief and toward transformational change, where both individuals feel more capable – not only of being in the relationship, but of being fully themselves within it.
The need to train as a couples therapist
UCLA psychologists have recently published a highly interesting review that compiles more than 40 years of research on couples therapy. They conclude that, regardless of the therapeutic approach, the most effective practitioners share a common thread: they do not adhere to a theoretical approach but rather integrate new clinical and technical evidence, adapting their work method to the specific characteristics and needs of each couple.
The study’s authors also emphasize the importance of specialized training for all good couples therapists, as the context in which they practice is particularly demanding. Working with couples requires developing special skills such as neutrality, the ability to control the session to prevent it from becoming a battleground, and the acuity to quickly detect each partner’s individual psychological problems.
References:
Benson, L. A.; McGinn, M. M., & Christensen, A. (2012) Common principles of couple therapy. Behavior Therapy; 43(1): 25-35.
Lebow J.L. et. Al. (2012) Research on the treatment of couple distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy; 38: 145–168.
Christensen, A. et. Al. (2004) Traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy for significantly and chronically distressed married couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology; 72: 176–191.
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