Self-respect: 3 keys to learning to respect yourself

“If you want others to respect you, the best thing you can do is respect yourself. Only then, only through self-respect, will you force others to respect you”, wrote Dostoyevsky. The words of the Russian writer resonate with advice from Confucius: “Respect yourself and others will respect you”.

Respect is an important value in most societies. Not only does it facilitate coexistence, but it also shows consideration for others. Therefore, from a young age we are taught to respect the others. Our parents teach us to respect adults and other children, they point out when our words or actions can hurt them and, if we disrespect them, they encourage – and sometimes even force – us to ask for forgiveness. However, there is a big forgotten thing in that equation: self-respect.

In many cases, this constant outward projection can make us forget about the most important person in our life: ourselves. When we are educated not to bother others, little by little the belief develops that our ideas, feelings and needs are not so important, valuable or worthy of being taken into account. As a result, it is quite common that we end up disrespecting ourselves, directing harsh and even humiliating words to each other.

However, a study conducted at the University of Chicago revealed that there is a link between attitudes of acceptance and respect for oneself and attitudes of acceptance and respect for others. Therefore, this research suggests that if we educate children to respect themselves, respect for others will come almost automatically.

Sacrificing self-respect on the altar of self-esteem

Centuries ago, self-respect was a central concept in the ideas of philosophers such as Aristotle. For them, self-respect was based on the ability to think and behave in ways that promote our autonomy, independence, self-control, and tenacity.

Unfortunately, Psychology has greatly neglected this concept, promoting instead the importance of self-esteem. Self-help books and  Personal Growth gurus are obsessed with self-esteem, but in reality self-respect could be the real key to achieving the mental serenity we seek. Both concepts seem very similar and are sometimes even used interchangeably, but they have crucial basic differences that we must understand.

First of all, we must start from the fact that self-esteem always implies a form of evaluation, which means that sometimes we will win and other times we will lose. Self-esteem is an introjected measure of the worth that others recognize in us. In fact, the word comes from the Latin aestumare, which means to value, judge and appreciate. Respecting something, on the contrary, implies accepting, without making value judgments.

Of course, having good self-esteem is important, but it only means that we value ourselves, which also means that if we make big mistakes or do not meet our expectations and those of others, we might stop liking ourselves and develop a low self-esteem.

Self-respect, on the other hand, does not depend so much on the mistakes or success we achieve because it is not the direct result of comparison with others. Self-respect involves a process of self-acceptance beyond our limitations and mistakes.

In fact, people with high self-esteem often find themselves trapped in an evaluative framework, while those who develop self-respect are less likely to be influenced by other people’s opinions, be victims of manipulation, and experience feelings of guilt.

You can do a small test to find out your level of self-esteem and self-respect. Imagine for a moment that someone congratulates you for the results you have achieved in a project. What is your first reaction? If you feel euphoric, it probably means that you had doubts about your abilities and are quite dependent on the opinions of others.

Of course, it is normal for us to feel flattered or even happy when someone congratulates us and recognizes our work, but if we notice that our mood fluctuates depending on the opinions of others, we will have a serious self-respect problem.

The concept of self-respect and signs of lack of self-respect

Coming from the Latin respectō and respectāre, which implies “looking back or “giving consideration”, respect has a double meaning, on the one hand it implies not sticking with the first impression and, on the other, treating with a certain deference, kindness and courtesy. The definition of self-respect would indicate, therefore, the ability to treat ourselves with deference, moderation and tolerance, going beyond our possible errors or weaknesses.

Self-respect is the conviction that we have the same basic rights as others, it is recognizing that we are worthy of being loved and taken into account, treating ourselves with compassion. However, we do not always succeed, and often we are not even aware that we are disrespecting ourselves.

There are subtle signs that can tell us that we do not respect ourselves enough. We do not have self-respect when:

• We apply degrading labels to ourselves , especially when we make mistakes or do not live up to our expectations. These labels do not help us grow, but on the contrary, they become beliefs that limit us and make us feel bad.
• We treat each other extremely harshly , with no room for indulgence, to the point that we end up crushing ourselves, literally. Instead of treating each other with more compassion, tolerance, and understanding, as we would a friend, we simply treat each other poorly.
• We continually prioritize the needs of others over our own because we believe that we are less important, to the point that we practically forget about ourselves, relegating ourselves to the background or last place.
• We believe that we are less valuable than others and that we deserve less than them, so we often do not claim our rights and let others trample them.
• We stay silent for fear of bothering others , preferring to “chew” the bad time rather than put a stop to a situation that causes us discomfort and unrest.

Self-respect is the basis of assertiveness

Psychologists from the University of Kiel, in Germany, affirm that one of the essential pillars of assertiveness is self-respect. These researchers recruited 643 people, who completed a series of tests that assessed their level of self-respect, self-confidence, self-esteem, self-acceptance, perceived competence, and assertiveness. People also had to answer how they would act in hypothetical situations in which their rights were violated or their dignity was attacked.

Psychologists found that self-respect was the best predictor of assertiveness. They also found that people who respected themselves opted for more assertive solutions to resolve conflicts, while those who only believed they had a “right not to be trampled on,” but in reality did not respect themselves, tended to adopt more aggressive coping strategies. .

In reality, self-respect does not simply imply claiming our rights, but rather it is the conviction that we are people as valuable as others and, therefore, it is not necessary to lose our temper. Self-respect always generates a virtuous circle that allows us to respond much better to circumstances.

3 key steps to developing self-respect

“The worst loneliness is not to feel comfortable with yourself”, said Mark Twain. Instead of repeating empty phrases to yourself that will have very little impact on the idea you already have about yourself, it is necessary to do deeper psychological work that lays the foundations for solid self-respect. In that case, it is essential that you start with these 3 beliefs:

1. Assume that we have the same rights as others and, therefore, we must treat each other with the same compassion, tolerance, deference, affection and respect.
2. Understanding that we are as valuable as the other people who share our lives and, therefore, that we also deserve to have our needs taken into account.
3. Be aware of our weaknesses and mistakes , so that these do not condition our relationship with ourselves.

What do you gain by respecting yourself?

1. You are true to your needs, desires, and values, so you don’t let others trample on them.
2. You feel you have the right to say “no” when something goes against your interests or needs, drawing reasonable limits that protect you.
3. You feel empowered and have more confidence in yourself, so you are more likely to follow your dreams and achieve your goals.
4. You will feel more satisfied with your life, which will be reflected in your interpersonal relationships.
5. You will be better able to take care of yourself, avoiding falling into self-harming and harmful behaviors.

Last but not least, remember that self-respect not only means respecting our dreams, needs, values ​​and hopes but also our own limits, fears and failures. Treating each other with kindness and tolerance involves being aware of our limitations and respecting each other despite everything.

References:

Renger, D. (2017) Believing in one’s equal rights: Self-respect as a predictor of assertiveness. Self and Identity; 17: 1-21.

Roland, C. E. & Foxx, R. M. (2003) Self-respect: A neglected concept. Philosophical Psychology; 16(2): 247-288.

Sheerer, E. T. (1957) The relationship of self-acceptance and self-respect to acceptance of and respect for others. Pastoral Psychology; 8(2): 35-42.