John Gottman is a psychologist who works at the University of Washington and who has dedicated much of his life to studying family dynamics and, especially, relationships. After two decades of research, he has summarized his experience by indicating what is the main sign that usually predicts with enough accuracy the existence of a relationship crisis on the horizon.
What is it? The contempt.
What is contempt really? Not only is it a negative judgment but it includes scathing criticism, often malicious and without a solid cause to support it. Contempt is not a simple opinion but implies snub and disdain towards the other. As you can imagine, if a person begins to despise his or her better half, sooner or later a relationship crisis will come.
However, the problem is that we are usually not aware of the contempt until it is practically irreversible. Therefore, if we want to avoid a relationship crisis, it is better to stay attentive to the small changes that occur in our daily lives, especially in communication with each other.
Five changes in language that indicate contempt
1. Use directive language
That is, instead of asking for things sweetly or using “please”, we limit ourselves to giving orders using phrases like: “you have to…” or “you better…”. It is worth clarifying that all of us, at some point, can give orders, but in this case, the communication style changes because we begin to perceive that we are better than the partner and we try to submit to them.
2. Make value judgments
Contempt is usually expressed by making judgments about the other person’s worth. Phrases that convey the idea that the other is not good enough, that they are not trying too hard or that they are not capable of doing things as they should, are an alarm signal that indicates that contempt is establishing itself in the relationship. In this sense, it should be clarified that these phrases do not have the objective of motivating the other person to overcome their limits but rather they simply want to point out the error and belittle them.
3. Generalizing expressions
We all have the tendency to generalize when we speak, but if we want to avoid a relationship crisis, we better be more precise in our communication. Phrases that include words like “always,” “never,” “every time,” and “everyone” become black clouds on the horizon. Some of the most common examples are: “he always leaves the toilet seat open”, “he never remembers to buy the eggs” or “every time we go out he ends up ruining the walk ”.
4. Attacks on the person ignoring the behavior
When faced with a problem, the person who despises usually focuses on attacking the other instead of analyzing the problem. For example, he usually tells her: “You have completely forgotten about me, I can’t stand you anymore, you are very unromantic.” When in reality the most correct thing would be to say: “I know you have a lot of things on your mind lately but I need you, I think it would be good to have a romantic date from time to time.“ As you can see, in the second statement the person is not attacked but rather the problem is discussed and a possible solution is provided. This minimizes the chances of the other person responding negatively.
5. Ignore your feelings
When a person belittles another, they usually overlook their feelings, ignore them, and minimize them. Obviously, this is the safest way to have a relationship crisis since one of the members feels misunderstood. Expressions like “you are always complaining” or “you are exaggerating” are a sign that indicates that we are belittling others.
