Legend has it that one day, a disciple arrived visibly agitated at the house of Socrates, the great Greek philosopher.
– Master! I want to tell you how a friend of yours was talking about you with malevolence…
Socrates immediately interrupted him:
– Wait! Have you already put what you are going to tell me through the Three Filters?
– The Three Filters…? – asked the disciple.
– Yes – replied Socrates. – The first filter is TRUTH. Is what you want to tell me true in all its points?
The disciple hesitated.
– No… I heard some neighbors say it.
– At least you’ve put it through the second filter: KINDNESS. Is what you want to tell me at least good?
– No, not really… On the contrary.
– Ah! – Socrates interrupted. – So, let’s go to the last filter, is it NECESSARY for you to tell me that?
– To be honest, no… It’s not necessary.
– Then – the wise man smiled – If it is not true, nor good, nor necessary… let us bury it in oblivion.
Of course, we are not Socrates and sometimes we cannot avoid certain rumors reaching our ears. Other times, we simply do not have enough fortitude to reject these rumors and, once we hear them, it is difficult for us to get rid of their influence, which is almost always unhealthy.
However, what others think of us is their problem, not ours.
When others try to put our wealth in a matchbox
People who criticize us or spread rumors about our decisions and behavior don’t really know us, they haven’t lived our story, and they don’t know the struggles we’ve faced or the sacrifices we’ve made. All they know is what we’ve told them, or what they can assume.
So their opinions are nothing more than a reality that their mind has created, a limited reality that they try to fit us into. The opinions of others are like a kind of parallel reality, but more restricted and poorer than ours. So why should we submit to it? Why should we abandon our reality, which is richer, broader and more complex, just to fit ourselves into a matchbox?
Yet, strange as it may seem, this is what we do every day, every time we give importance to malicious opinions, destructive criticism, humiliation or belittlement. When we let these opinions ruin our day or, even worse, affect our self-esteem, we are leaving our world behind, to accommodate ourselves to this small universe that other people try to impose on us.
Criticism is the strength of the powerless: What are people who criticize like?
Sometimes it is difficult to understand ourselves, which makes it even more difficult to decipher the causes that give rise to the feelings and actions of others. A mature person, who has lived long enough and has learned lessons from life, does not criticize, but helps; does not push, but reaches out a helping hand.
Therefore, people who tend to criticize and judge left and right, without worrying about the effect their words have, are those who have not reached sufficient maturity and believe they know everything, to be in possession of a unique truth. Deep down, they hide:
– Low self-esteem: This person does not accept or love themselves, so they will have a hard time accepting others. That is why they attack in the form of criticism and unhealthy opinions, which is intended to put others on the same level as them.
– Tendency to projection: Jules Renard, a French writer, stated that “ criticism consists of reproaching others for not having qualities that we believe we have ”. In fact, destructive criticism often arises from projections of the worst qualities of the person who, by not recognizing them in themselves, throws them on others.
– Lack of self-criticism: A person who knows himself well, who knows what his faults and mistakes are, does not dare to criticize so easily because he is usually more empathetic. However, the person who constantly criticizes believes that he is perfect, he considers that he has the right to become the judge of others. He is able to see the speck in another’s eye, but not the beam in his own.
In this regard, a study conducted at Wake Forest University and Nebraska University has revealed that people who constantly criticize are actually hiding deep unhappiness. The results of this research show that people who evaluate others positively are happier, kinder, more enthusiastic and emotionally stable.
On the contrary, those who made more negative criticisms showed more antisocial behavior, a high degree of narcissism and a tendency to depression and emotional instability. Therefore, negative criticism not only destroys the person who receives it, but also the person who makes it.
Is it possible to detach oneself from criticism and unhealthy opinions?
We live in society, we are social beings, and we cannot do anything to change it because relationships with others nourish us and allow us to grow. However, when we relate to someone, we do so only through certain roles. For example, our parents will know us as children, our partner as lovers, and our coworkers as simple professionals.
However, we are much more than these roles, we are more complex and rich people, with many other facets that others do not know. Our “self” is immense, and most of the people around us only know a small part of it. In the same way, our story is very rich, and it is not told only through the facts, but also through the emotions we experience at those moments.
Therefore, we must bear in mind that the criticism and judgments that others express about us are always limited and pass through their vision of how we should behave.
However, we are not obliged to follow their scheme, especially if it diminishes our value and diminishes our “self.”
Of course, since we are used to building our image in the image and likeness of others, at first it may be difficult for us to turn a deaf ear to these negative criticisms and judgments, but little by little we will learn. Until we reach a point where we can look back and find it ridiculous to have worried about those malicious rumors.
Consider your self-esteem and self-confidence to be the most powerful weapons you have. When you receive positive feedback, it grows and strengthens, but destructive criticism does just the opposite: it undermines it. That’s why it’s important to carefully select the feedback that will strengthen your “self.”
Just as you wouldn’t let someone choose what clothes you should wear every day, you shouldn’t let someone fill your mental closet with their stereotypes, opinions, and judgments. Living according to other people’s criteria only leads us to lose our identity and, ultimately, to experience great dissatisfaction and frustration. Remember that the unhappiest people are those who worry too much about what other people think.
Three golden rules to prevent unhealthy criticism from harming you
1. Remember that you are unique, you cannot expect others to understand your journey if they have not had to walk your path. No one can claim that you have done wrong because, even people who have lived through similar situations, have done so from their point of view, with their arsenal of experiences, goals and fears, not yours.
2. You are much more than that criticism, since every opinion is always directed at a limited part of your “self”, but in reality you are much more than that. Accepting that label and placing it on yourself implies restricting your potential, it is allowing it to damage your self-esteem, without doing anything to prevent it.
3. Don’t try to please everyone. There will always be people who criticize you, the important thing is that their opinions don’t affect you. You must learn to stop worrying about what others think of you and get rid of the need to please everyone, because only then will you be able to find your own path and be faithful to it, despite the criticism.
Reference:
Wood, D. & Harms, P. (2010) Perceiver Effects as Projective Tests: What Your Perceptions of Others Say About You. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 99(1): 174-190.
Leave a Reply