We’ve been taught that staying calm is synonymous with maturity. That when faced with criticism, the best thing to do is take a deep breath. That if someone hurts us (even maliciously), we should count to ten. That losing our temper is a sign of weakness, lack of control, and emotional immaturity. In short, that we should be a Zen monk – or at least appear to be one.
The Stoics were among the first to embrace equanimity as a goal, and psychologists have echoed that idea, so that little by little we have internalized a very clear message: feeling intensely is wrong; showing it is even worse.
But the truth is, in many situations, maintaining composure not only requires a huge effort, but it can also be counterproductive and often not even worth it. Being able to stay calm can be a superpower sometimes, but not always, especially if we have to pretend.
The pressure to be “emotionally correct”
Emotional management has practically become a mandate. Expressions like “Respond calmly,” “Don’t take it so seriously,” or “Be rational” are everywhere, as if they were the only valid way to relate to others and to what we feel. The intention is good. There’s no denying that. They promise to help us avoid conflicts, promote self-control, and preserve relationships.
However, in practice, this can lead to constant and excessive emotional self-criticism. As if feeling anger, sadness, or frustration were a flaw that we must correct as quickly as possible and that, obviously, we shouldn’t dare to show.
The basic idea is that any intense emotion must be filtered, softened, or even silenced before being expressed. And all of this is (supposedly) in the name of assertiveness. But in reality, that’s not assertiveness; it’s emotional repression. And in some cases, it does more harm than good.
In fact, staying calm isn’t always synonymous with balance. Sometimes, it’s simply a sophisticated way of disconnecting from ourselves, especially when, in order to respond with “serenity” to situations that deeply affect us, we force ourselves to repress what we truly feel.
People who never get angry, never get upset, and always respond calmly aren’t necessarily the best at regulating their emotions. Sometimes, they’ve simply learned to hide their feelings. And in the long run, that often leads to frustration, resentment, and significant emotional exhaustion.
Ultimately, we’re not robots. Feeling isn’t the problem; the real problem is not being able to express those emotions properly. And “properly” doesn’t mean repressing or hiding them.
The value of expressing what we feel
Emotions are signals we must listen to, inner clues that help us navigate the world, indicating what pleases us and makes us happy, but also what hurts or upsets us. Anger often warns us that something has seemed unfair or intrusive. Sadness appears to tell us that we have lost something important.
When someone makes a comment that we find humiliating, launches a destructive criticism, gives their opinion without having any idea about our lives, or completely ignores our needs, we don’t need to hide our frustration, disappointment, or anger behind a mask of serenity.
In fact, emotions are also external signals that we’ve used for centuries to understand the impact of our actions and adjust our behavior accordingly. This means that in relationships, it’s not just what we say that matters, but how we say it.
It’s no coincidence that we process emotions faster than words. Neuroscience has shown that emotional responses are quicker than cognitive ones and are processed in brain areas that operate quite independently, responding before the prefrontal cortex, which is primarily responsible for reason.
It’s also no coincidence that emotionally charged content significantly outperforms neutral content in terms of speed of dissemination and reach. This means that emotions add nuance, context, and intention to the message, capturing more attention and giving it a powerful impact.
When someone senses that we are hurt, angry, or otherwise affected, they better understand the importance of what is happening and, with a bit of luck, won’t repeat it. That’s why sometimes a serious gesture, a firm tone, or even an emotionally charged silence speaks louder than any perfectly structured argument.
The difference between expressing and overflowing
However, the fact that you don’t have to swallow everything you feel doesn’t give you carte blanche to yell, humiliate, or react impulsively. Expressing what we feel is one thing, but losing control is quite another. The former is authenticity, the latter is pure and simple chaos.
The key, as with everything in life, lies in finding a middle ground. You can allow yourself to express the emotion without letting it take complete control of your behavior. You can say “that hurt” with great sadness or frustration without needing to attack the other person or lose your temper.
That’s true assertiveness: not eliminating emotion, but integrating it to reinforce the message you want to convey. If something hurt, irritated, or saddened you, you don’t have to hide it by pretending to be invulnerable. Paradoxically, this clarity often prevents bigger conflicts because it avoids misunderstandings and frequently communicates boundaries more directly and clearly than words.
References:
Cao, S., & Cao, N. (2025). How does emotion affect information communication: A multidimensional perspective. arXiv.
Phelps EA, LeDoux JE. (2005) Contributions of the amygdala to emotion processing: from animal models to human behavior. Neuron; 48(2): 175-187.
LeDoux, J. E. (2000) Emotion circuits in the brain. Annu Rev Neurosci; 23: 155-184.
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