Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. We have all, at some point, looked with varying degrees of curiosity into the lives of others, especially when certain behaviors deviate from our norms. A study conducted at Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam estimated that two-thirds of our conversations tend to revolve around people who are not present.
However, there is a very clear line between that natural wonder and constantly talking about other people’s lives.
And I’m not just talking about sharing rumors or making comments, but about people whose conversations constantly revolve around other people’s lives. These are people who analyze other people’s lives like detectives, dissecting, judging, and, of course, criticizing them. It could be anyone, from your coworker who never tires of gossiping to that aunt who knows everything about everyone in the family.
Other people’s lives as a mirror of what we lack
One of the most frequent psychological reasons people talk about other people’s lives is because they feel dissatisfied with their own. And that doesn’t necessarily mean their life is bad or miserable, but rather that it isn’t exciting or “perfect” enough according to their standards and expectations.
When someone feels trapped in a routine, burdened by overwhelming responsibilities, or pursuing goals they can’t quite reach, it’s common for them to shift their focus outward to avoid questioning themselves or changing their life’s path. In a way, talking about other people’s lives is a symptom of emotional emptiness, which the person fills with what’s happening around them.
In fact, observing the lives of others offers some “advantages”.
1. Distraction: looking at other people’s lives to avoid looking at your own
Talking about other people’s lives serves as an emotional distraction strategy. While analyzing the successes, mistakes, failures, or weaknesses of others, the person doesn’t have to stop and think about what bothers them about their own life.
For example, someone dissatisfied with their job, instead of asking themselves why they don’t dare to change it, spends hours commenting on how their colleague made a mistake by changing companies or explaining that their promotion won’t last. While they talk about that, they suppress their discontent.
In this sense, talking about others acts as a kind of psychological pass: it allows one to stay emotionally occupied without leaving their comfort zone. It doesn’t solve anything, but it momentarily numbs the inner discomfort. And the more unsatisfactory one’s own life feels, the more tempting other people’s lives become as a distraction.
2. Gain control: judge in order to avoid exposure
Another very common mechanism that leads people to talk about others is the need to regain a sense of control. Life is often full of uncertainty: pending decisions, long-standing fears, latent conflicts … In contrast, observing and judging the lives of others provides an illusory sense of clarity and control.
For example, someone might repeatedly comment that an acquaintance “made a mistake” by starting a professional project, changing partners, or moving to a new city. It seems like a simple opinion, but psychologically it serves another purpose because what they’re really saying is: “If they made a mistake, then I’m right to stay where I am.”
In this way, the mistakes of others justify one’s own inaction. There’s no need to take risks, try new things, or make decisions, because there’s always someone whose failure serves as a reassuring argument for remaining passive. In some cases, criticizing others can even generate a momentary feeling of superiority, thinking, “I wouldn’t have made that mistake.” Although, in reality, this tendency isn’t so much about feeling superior to others, but rather about feeling less vulnerable in the face of a life that’s beyond one’s control.
3. Validation: existing through shared judgment
Talking about other people’s lives can also be a way to seek validation and a sense of belonging. Comments about others often generate an immediate reaction: attention, laughter, curiosity, or shared opinions. And that, psychologically, reinforces the behavior.
When, at a family dinner or during a break at work, someone starts commenting about a third party, the others usually give their opinions, add details, take a stand… The person who started the comment becomes the center of the conversation, even if only briefly and indirectly.
This generates a brief but powerful feeling of importance, recognition, and belonging to the group. For someone who feels unheard, undervalued, or irrelevant in their daily life, this social validation is very tempting, even if it comes wrapped in criticism or judgment. In fact, a study conducted at Rhine-Waal University of Applied Science found that talking about others is more often used to improve one’s own self-image than to harm others.
In a way, the person who talks about other people’s lives lives vicariously through them. Because their own life seems bland, they find excitement by looking outward. The problem is that constantly being aware of what others are doing displaces attention and energy from their own projects, relationships, or emotions. In other words, other people’s lives become their own, even if only in thought and conversation.
How to deal with the tendency to talk about other people’s lives?
We tend to make comparisons and use others as examples. This is how we learn and avoid repeating the mistakes others have made. But it’s important not to go overboard talking about other people’s lives.
Are you the one talking about others?
I’m not judging you, but your life would be much better if you dedicated your time and energy to far more productive things. Most people don’t talk about other people’s lives out of malice, but out of emotional inertia.
So, when you notice your conversation repeatedly leaning towards what others are doing, stop for a second and ask yourself: “What am I avoiding looking at in my own life? “ The answer may not be pleasant, but it is often enlightening.
A helpful strategy is to reconnect with your own experience . Instead of thinking about what the other person should or shouldn’t do, ask yourself: “What does this stir up in me? What makes me uncomfortable? What would I like to be doing?” This shift brings your attention back to where real change can happen: yourself.
It’s also worth analyzing whether you talk about others to feel heard or included. In that case, you should question what personal space is missing: personal projects, meaningful conversations, or shared interests. When your own life gains substance, other people’s lives lose their importance.
Are you the one who constantly hears someone talking about others?
Repeatedly hearing criticism, judgment, or comments about others is tiring and emotionally draining, even if we can’t always put a name to that discomfort. Therefore, the first step is to recognize that you are not obligated to participate.
A simple and effective strategy is to avoid reinforcing the behavior. Neutral, brief, or unenthusiastic responses tend to cause the conversation to lose momentum. Changing the subject naturally, but without confronting or justifying yourself, is also a way to show that you’re not interested in the argument.
When the situation is recurring or involves someone close to you, you might need to set a more explicit boundary, but without being aggressive. Phrases like “I prefer not to talk about people who aren’t present” or “I find these kinds of conversations uncomfortable” are often more effective than arguing about the content. Remember, it’s not about convincing or changing the other person, but simply about protecting your mental space.
In short, talking about other people’s lives is common behavior, but it’s not entirely harmless. For the person doing it, it’s often a form of avoidance or validation. For the listener, it can become quite a heavy emotional burden.
Therefore, remember that talking about your ideas, concerns, or experiences creates much deeper long-term bonds than gossiping about other people’s lives.
References:
Bechtoldt, M. et. Al. (2020) Why People Gossip and What It Brings About: Motives for, and Consequences of, Informal Evaluative Information Exchange. Front. Psychol.; 11: 10.3389.
Hartung, F. et. Al. (2019) Better Than Its Reputation? Gossip and the Reasons Why We and Individuals With “Dark” Personalities Talk About Others. Front. Psychol; 10: 10.3389.
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