When someone hurts us, it hurts. If we’re hurt, it’s understandable that our first reaction is to want revenge and repay that person for the pain they’ve caused us. Deep in our minds, the old “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” is activated.
However, in the vast majority of cases, the best “revenge” is to be different from the person who caused the harm. That’s what Marcus Aurelius believed, that’s what I believe, and that’s what psychological research confirms.
The ability to not get carried away
In his “Meditations,” Marcus Aurelius, a faithful exponent of Stoic philosophy, recommended a different way of acting, beyond traditional revenge.
He said: “Do not attack with criticism the barbaric, incorrect or dissonant expressions, but have the ability to express exactly what should have been said as a response, ratification, joint reflection or some other harmonious insinuation, on the matter itself, not on the way of expressing it.”
In other words, he encouraged us not to be influenced by the ways and attitudes of the person who has harmed us, because when we do, we give them our power. When we allow someone to infect us with their bad manners, anger, frustration, or selfishness, we lower ourselves to their level.
And nothing positive will come out of that downward spiral for anyone.
Revenge: Food for today, hunger for tomorrow
Revenge may temporarily alleviate suffering, but it often prolongs the conflict and increases discomfort.
A few years ago, a group of neuroscientists at the University of Zurich scanned the brains of people who had been wronged during a trading game. They had trusted their teammates to share a pot of money and found that the teammates had decided to keep the loot for themselves.
The researchers gave them the opportunity to punish the greedy individuals, and while they did so, they recorded their brain activity. The decision triggered a surge of neural activity in the caudate nucleus, an area of the brain known for processing rewards (the same one linked to the use of addictive substances), revealing that revenge can indeed be “sweet.”
However, a previous study from Ohio State University had found that venting and indulging in revenge actually increases anger and aggression, so its cathartic and liberating power is called into question.
Everything seems to indicate that revenge makes us feel worse in the long run. Another experiment conducted at the University of Colorado Denver found that we are particularly inaccurate at predicting how good we’ll feel after taking revenge.
In this case, the researchers created a situation in which people could be opportunistic and defraud others. In the end, everyone found out about one of their classmates’ selfish behavior, but some had the opportunity to take revenge, while others didn’t.
Psychologists found that those who took revenge reported feeling worse and weren’t as satisfied as they had expected. In fact, they felt even worse than those who hadn’t taken revenge and continued to dwell on what had happened. This rumination prevented them from putting an end to what had happened.
Therefore, choosing another path, one that is more serene, conscious, and consistent with our values, gives us back the control that the wound seemed to have taken away from us. As Francis Bacon noted: “A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well.”
The power to choose another path
It’s not about denying the pain or pretending it hasn’t affected us. On the contrary, acknowledging the wound is the first step toward healing it. But immediately after that acknowledgment comes the choice: do I want to become a copy of the person who hurt me, or do I prefer to use this experience as an incentive to grow?
True power lies in choosing not to follow in the footsteps of those who hurt us. Because every time we repay them in kind, we become more attached to that person and their way of being. It’s as if we continue orbiting around their shadow, instead of walking toward our own light.
The “being different” Marcus Aurelius proposed doesn’t mean being naive, letting yourself be trampled on, or constantly turning the other cheek. It means responding without resentment, yet firmly. It means remembering that what others do speaks volumes about them, while how we respond speaks volumes about us.
The best “revenge” is to live in such a way that pain no longer defines us. Let our actions not be dictated by someone’s anger or frustration, but by inner clarity. Instead of repeating the chain of harm, let us be able to interrupt it. And then, as Marcus Aurelius said, being different from those who hurt us becomes an act of liberation.
References:
Carlsmith, K. et. Al. (2008) The paradoxical consequences of revenge. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 95(6): 1316-1324.
de Quervain, D. J. et. Al. (2004) The neural basis of altruistic punishment. Science; 305(5688): 1254-1258.
Bushman, B. J. (2002) Does Venting Anger Feed or Extinguish the Flame? Catharsis, Rumination, Distraction, Anger, and Aggressive Responding. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin; 28(6): 724-731.
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