They say that all families are dysfunctional, but each in its own way. If our parents give us everything we ask for, our abilities to cope with the real world will not develop. And if we don’t get everything we need, we may suffer emotional wounds that are difficult to heal. One way or another, it is difficult to emerge from childhood completely unscathed, which often leads to a distorted perception of reality. The question is: to what extent?
Patterns learned in childhood come back again and again
If you had a difficult childhood, you probably adopted whatever behavior would help you cope. Lacking psychological resources, you tried to cope as best you could with situations like failure, rejection, violence, or loss.
However, it is likely that many of these behaviors have become entrenched in you and you replicate them in other circumstances. In this case, we refer to dysfunctional behaviors because they do not adapt to your current situation and often only serve to make it worse.
In fact, you are also likely to end up “drawn” to the same kind of pain you experienced in your childhood, so that it will continue to ruin your life on a loop. We all have a tendency to repeat the relational patterns we learned as children because it is very difficult to realize that what kept us relatively safe at one stage of our life is not valid for other times.
All of these old patterns can cause us a lot of harm, so at some point we have to make a decision: do we continue down that path, suffering and assuming the role of victims, or do we decide to change and take the reins by embarking on what could be called the “hero’s journey”?
Unfortunately, many people never make a clear choice.
The hero’s journey, turning wounds into wisdom
In 1949, Joseph Campbell published the book “The Hero with a Thousand Faces ” in which he referred to a myth deeply rooted in our culture: that of the hero who embarks on an adventure, emerges victorious from a decisive crisis and returns home changed for the better.
Seventy years later, psychologists at the University of North Carolina confirmed the benefits of thinking about our lives as a hero’s journey.
In fact, our brains are hardwired to listen to stories, so they have a powerful hold on our minds and even act on our subconscious. Previous research has found that by the time we reach our 20s, most of us have already constructed a narrative identity that explains how we became who we are and where our lives might take us in the future.
Perceiving our life as a hero’s journey promotes psychological benefits, from greater well-being and life satisfaction to a sense of progress and a lower risk of developing depression. The way we tell ourselves our story, the narrative structure we choose, determines the direction our life will take.
The unexpected benefit of having a difficult childhood
If you had a difficult childhood, you are more likely to dare to undertake such a journey. After all, almost no one embarks on a difficult path just for fun or out of a masochistic vocation, but rather is driven by an intolerable life or a latent emotional danger.
A difficult childhood can motivate you to begin the journey that will help you better deal with your pain, fears and insecurities. It is the paradox according to which, having suffered can become the best incentive to leave the role of victim aside and embark on that path of transformation that leads you to become your best version.
How to take the first step?
By merging the hero’s journey with Seligman’s PERMA model, which includes the foundations and indicators of well-being, you can create your own heroic narrative, taking into account some key points:
- Accept the call. Joseph Campbell wrote, “That cave you fear to enter contains the treasure you seek.” So, begin to see the challenges life throws at you as an invitation to embark on your personal journey.
- Make a deep commitment. To compensate for things that are going wrong, find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good. Then you can begin to experience the healing power of joy and serenity.
- Seek support. You don’t have to undertake this journey alone. You can seek help from a therapist, but also from friends or people who have been through similar experiences. Just make sure that these relationships don’t foster victimhood, but are actually a source of support and resilience.
- Find meaning. Do some soul searching to discover your strengths and what motivates you. Try to find meaning in what has happened to you so that you can incorporate it into your life story and move forward. Ultimately, “happiness is the result of finding a meaningful purpose in life,” as Viktor Frankl wrote.
- Celebrate your accomplishments. The hero’s journey sounds nice, but it’s not easy or linear. You’ll have setbacks, so make sure you celebrate your victories, even the small ones, too. And when you feel lost or stuck, ask yourself where you are and look back at how far you’ve come. Take a break, if you need to, and then keep going.
References:
Birnbaum, J. S. (2024) One Surprising Positive of a Rough Childhood. In: Psychology Today.
Rogers, B. A. et. (2023) Seeing your life story as a Hero’s Journey increases meaning in life. J Pers Soc Psychol; 125(4):752-778.
McAdams, D. P. (2019) First we invented stories, then they changed us”: The Evolution of Narrative Identity. Evolutionary Studies in Imaginative Culture; 3(1):1-83.
