It has nothing to do with the experiences we live, the profession we choose, the material goods we possess, or even the philosophy of life we embrace… The most important decision we make in life is another one: choosing the people we want to be with, according to a neuroscientist who has been studying the decision-making process for more than a decade.
The invisible power of relationships in our lives
The people we care about have a great deal of power over our lives, even if we are not always aware of their influence. From the way we process information to how we manage stress, the relationships we form have a profound impact on our emotions, attitudes, behaviors, and even our brains.
Moran Cerf, a neuroscientist at Northwestern University, has found that companionship is a decisive factor in our long-term life satisfaction for three main reasons:
1. Two heads decide better than one
Did you know that we make around 35,000 decisions every day? Of course, many of them are everyday decisions that we don’t think about much, such as choosing what clothes we’ll wear, what we’ll eat, what music we’ll listen to or how we’ll spend our free time…
However, what seem like inconsequential decisions can lead us to habits that influence our physical and mental health. Choosing the right menu or knowing how to disconnect ends up having a significant impact on our well-being.
However, we are not always 100% ready to choose what is best for us. Many times we suffer from decision fatigue and simply give in to impulses or laziness. In those moments, the people we have by our side can make a difference by leading us down the right path or, on the contrary, encouraging us to stray.
Various studies, including one conducted at University College London, have found that we find it easier to lead a healthy lifestyle and have better results when changing habits when we do so as a couple. This is because when one of us falters, the other helps. Therefore, the people we choose can be key to staying on the path we have set out for ourselves and achieving our goals.
2. Social biases, the filter of others
We believe that if we make the “right” decisions, we will be on the right path to life satisfaction. However, the truth is that the decision-making process is riddled with biases that cloud our judgment.
We let our emotions turn a rational decision into an irrational choice, and we use social cues much more than we think to make us decide one way or another. This means that the people around us – often unconsciously and without us realising it – shape our decisions, pushing us in one direction or another.
Conformity bias, for example, leads us to go with the flow so as not to be left out, while affinity bias pushes us to trust and favor people we like or who are similar to us, even if it is not always fair or they are right.
Therefore, the people we spend time with not only accompany us, but also determine us. A positive social circle can inspire us and push us to grow by taking healthy risks. On the other hand, a toxic or limiting environment can reinforce our fears and biases, leading us to make decisions that do not benefit us without even being aware of it.
In fact, we must not forget that we are all victims of an illusion of self-control; that is, we overestimate our ability to control our impulses.
3. Emotional contagion and the sponge effect
You’ve probably noticed that being around someone who complains all day leaves you exhausted, while surrounding yourself with enthusiastic people fills you with energy. It’s no coincidence: it’s emotional contagion in action. In fact, negativity is contagious, much more so than joy.
Our brain is designed to tune into and reflect the emotions of those around us, thanks to mirror neurons. This leads us to absorb the mood of others without realizing it, as if we were a sponge.
Spending time with people who are constantly stressed can increase our own stress level, even if we were calm at the beginning. The same goes for happiness: surrounding yourself with optimistic and motivated people not only improves your mood, but also influences your overall well-being.
Therefore, choosing the people you spend time with wisely is not just a matter of affinity, but of mental health. It is not about running away from anyone who is having a bad day, but rather being more aware of the emotional environment in which you move every day. Surround yourself with people who motivate you, who add to you and inspire you because their energy and attitude will also end up shaping your way of feeling and seeing the world.
Transformative relationships: How human connections rewire our brains
Neuroscience has also discovered that when two people spend a lot of time together, their brain waves start to look quite similar. A study conducted at the University of California found that the brains of friends tended to produce similar wave patterns when watching certain videos. That’s why it’s important to choose your friends carefully, and in general, everyone you spend time with.
The people around us really do have a huge impact on our lives, much more than we are willing to acknowledge. And one of the effects is that we become similar, we end up sharing many of their points of view and being infected by their emotions. Therefore, the most important decision of your life is probably choosing those who will accompany you on that journey.
References:
Pignatiello, G. A. et. Al. (2021) Decision Fatigue: A Conceptual Analysis. J Health Psychol; 25(1): 123–135.
Parkinson, C.; Kleinbaum, A. M. & Wheatley, T. (2018) Similar neural responses predict friendship. Nature Communications; 9 (1).
Jackson, S. E. et. Al. (2015) The Influence of Partner’s Behavior on Health Behavior Change. JAMA Internal Medicine; 175(3): 385-392.
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