A delicate matter that you need to discuss with your partner, a disagreement with a family member, a complaint you want to make to your boss or a conflict with a neighbor, we have all had to face certain uncomfortable conversations. It may be a delicate topic that we don’t feel comfortable with or we may be worried that the relationship will be harmed; anything that keeps us up at night qualifies as “difficult conversations.”
The bad news is that awkward conversations aren’t going to magically disappear. As we interact with other people there will be differences, disagreements and even conflicts, situations that have the potential to become sources of emotional tension and that we must address sooner rather than later.
The good news is that there are psychological techniques that help us reduce the tension and anxiety generated by sensitive topics while increasing the chances that those uncomfortable conversations will be a little less uncomfortable and a little more fruitful.
Do you plan your uncomfortable conversations with a “postman mentality”?
Do you have an uncomfortable conversation on the horizon? If so, you are probably stringing the speech together in your mind. You may need to tell the person things like, “You hurt me,” “You treated me unfairly,” or “You’ve been very selfish.”
These thoughts are completely normal, especially if you have felt humiliated, betrayed, hurt, or treated unfairly. However, just because they are normal doesn’t mean they are useful.
The anticipatory anxiety generated by uncomfortable conversations accelerates our mind, leaves our emotions on the surface and prevents us from thinking clearly, generating an unbridled torrent of cathartic reproaches. No wonder we end up taking on the role of postmen; That is, we focus on delivering the message as soon as possible to wash our hands.
Thus we end up making a serious mistake in communication: we equate our message with a package or letter that must be delivered. We become postmen because we only focus on transmitting the message. We mentally prepare our speech as a catharsis without the possibility of reply. And we think that once we’ve said everything we need to, our job is done and we can move on from it. We limit ourselves to throwing the ball into someone else’s court.
As a result, our conversation is likely to become a package of reproaches wrapped in a negative attitude that we leave at the other person’s door, what we could call a “poisoned gift.”
However, this way of dealing with uncomfortable conversations is not assertive.
When we assume a “message delivery” mentality we pose the problem and the solution from our perspective, without wondering for a moment how the other will perceive it and without trying to understand their motives. We focus on releasing emotional tension, rather than finding a solution.
And while expressing our emotions is important, it is often not enough when we need to reach an understanding. Therefore, it is more likely that the conversation will really become uncomfortable and turn into a crossfire of reproaches where two people talk, but neither listens to each other.
How to move from “postman mode” to a mediating mentality?
Every conflict always has two sides, but it is easy to forget when we are too emotionally involved. That’s why we tend to think that there is a right side and a wrong side, a fair side and an unfair side. Obviously, we are always on the right and fair side.
However, if we approach a sensitive issue assuming that we are right – with capital letters – it is likely that the other person will become defensive and within five minutes the conversation will turn into a crossfire of recriminations that will go nowhere.
For this reason, if we want to reach an understanding, it is necessary to abandon that dichotomous thinking and try to put ourselves in the other’s place. To achieve this we must leave the “postman mode” and assume the position of the mediators. Conflict mediators follow a simple but very effective strategy: they eliminate value judgments from the situation and start from common points.
Instead of using words like right or wrong, fair or unfair, try to stick to the facts by considering the other person’s perspective. With this strategy, instead of saying: “Your idea is terrible” you can say: “We don’t share the same point of view.” Instead of saying: “You have been very selfish” you can say: “Your attitude has hurt me, can we talk about what happened?”
In addition to leaving out value judgments, it is also a good idea to think about what you have in common to create a positive starting point and prevent the other person from becoming defensive. You can remind your partner that “We love each other,” a problematic neighbor that “We live in the same building,” or your boss that “We are all interested in seeing the company grow.”
The more things in common you have with a person, the easier it will be to reach an agreement, no matter how distant your initial positions may be. The problem is that many times we focus so much on what differentiates and distances us that we forget what equals and unites us. Conflict resolution specialists know this, which is why they begin by focusing on common points.
The keys to fruitful conversations
In any case, remember that your goal is not to persuade the other person to change their views, but only to bring up the problem or disagreement to find a mutually satisfactory solution. You need to express what worries you. Of course! But at the same time, you must open a space for dialogue where a solution can be developed.
For example, if you are overloaded with work, instead of complaining to your boss and telling him that you are not willing to take on anything more since the distribution of the workload seems very unfair to you, you could present the situation objectively: “I am carrying X projects at the same time and putting in a lot of overtime. I am exhausted and my performance is suffering. I would like to talk about my current workload.”
This way of presenting the problem opens a space for the other to explain their perspective and provide solutions. For example, your boss could decide to promote you or give you a work team so you can better manage projects.
Remember that the goal of difficult conversations is to find a way out of a negative situation, and this involves understanding the other person’s point of view. Therefore, if you want to solve what makes you uncomfortable or stressed, you cannot just drop your message as if it were a package, but you need to be receptive to the other’s ideas and vision.
If you genuinely try to understand and listen carefully, the person is more likely to be receptive to your needs. Get rid of the need to judge and criticize. Also get rid of reproaches, recriminations and accusations. Truly fruitful conversations are those in which people feel heard, understood, valued and respected.
Source:
Heen, S. & Stone, D. (2023) Difficult talks spike anxiety. Learning conversations can help. In: Washington Post.
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