“Love can do anything” or “Children just need to be loved” are some of the phrases that we have heard ad nauseam and that, although they convey a very important message, they also have a naïve undertone that often leads to mistakes – with its consequent frustrations.
Recently, child and family psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein said that in his daily practice he encountered people who acknowledged having felt loved by their parents. However, most also confessed that they felt misunderstood. These adults experienced some bitterness when they remembered the past because they wished their parents had given them more time and attention to validate their emotions and experiences. And emotional invalidation leaves deep wounds that are difficult to heal.
Parents constantly minimize children’s worries
Motherhood and fatherhood is one of the biggest challenges we face in life. No one is completely prepared for it, so sometimes we grope, clinging to the love we feel, trusting that it is enough to not make too many mistakes or that at least they are not so serious.
And yet, sometimes love is not enough.
Validation from parents is also essential to foster emotional balance in their children, help them build strong self-esteem, and maintain healthy relationships.
Validating children’s emotions and experiences is essential to create an environment, not only of love, but also of support in which children feel understood and accepted. In fact, a study conducted at the University of California revealed that parents tended to minimize children’s worries and underestimate the negative emotions they experienced.
When a child loses his attachment object, for example, he doesn’t just lose a stuffed animal, he loses one of the pillars of his security. He loses the shield that protected him and kept him safe from monsters, the “friend” that comforted him when his parents couldn’t. Feeling understood and accompanied in his pain will help him deal better with the loss and strengthen his ties with his parents. On the other hand, ignoring or belittling his suffering will create a barrier of incomprehension.
The 3 great contributions of validating children’s emotions
It is important to understand that children face the world with curiosity, but also with a share of fears, concerns and doubts. The outside world can be a chaotic and complex place for children, but the inside world is no less so. The task of fathers and mothers is to support their children to navigate these waters. And emotional validation is a fundamental tool to achieve this that helps them reach great milestones in their development.
1. Emotional security
When fathers and mothers validate their children’s feelings, they are establishing a secure emotional foundation. If children perceive that their emotions are recognized and accepted, they develop a sense of emotional security. They will not run away or ignore their feelings, but rather they will develop the emotional granularity essential to understand what is happening to them and deal with it better.
That security will become a kind of “buffer” against stress and adversity, helping children to face life’s challenges more effectively. These children will become more resilient people capable of better adapting to changes and recovering sooner from setbacks.
2. Strong self-esteem
Emotional validation also lays the foundation for healthy self-esteem. Children, like adults, experience a wide range of emotions, from joy and excitement to frustration and sadness. Accepting them without judging them implies recognizing and accepting that there are no positive or negative emotions, but that they are all valid. In this way, the little ones will not feel inadequate, they will be able to better understand what is happening to them and, in the long run, learn to manage those emotions and feelings more assertively.
Furthermore, if children perceive that their feelings matter and are taken seriously, they internalize the message that they are valued as a person. This positive reinforcement contributes to the formation of a solid self-image, which is crucial for developing self-confidence and self-esteem.
3. Promotes better relationships
A child who is aware of his value as a person and who has developed the psychological tools necessary to face life’s conflicts and challenges will be better prepared to deal with interpersonal relationships. A child whose emotions and feelings have been validated will be able to better express his emotional universe and be more empathetic, so that he will be able to connect on a deeper level with the others.
Likewise, being aware of his worth, he will not allow others to manipulate him. A child who knows love and understanding will not settle for less in adulthood, so he will probably look for people who respect and love him unconditionally, establishing truly developing relationships.
Obviously, loving children is still essential, but paying attention to them to try to understand what they are feeling will better equip them to navigate the complexities of their emotional universe. If we listened to our children with the same level of attention that we pay to other things, it would be a wonderful gift for them.
References:
Bernstein, J. (2023) What Children Need Most From Parents May Not Be Love. In: Psychology Today.
Lagattuta, K.H.; Sayfan, L. & Bamford, C (2012) Do you know how I feel? Parents underestimate worry and overestimate optimism compared to child self-report. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology; 113 (2): 211-232.
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