Depression is one of the most common mental disorders – it affects 5% of adults, according to the WHO – so chances are you know someone who is going through a depressive episode. If you want to help them, it’s important to understand that depression isn’t just about feeling down, having a bad day, or feeling sad. It’s a complex disorder that affects mood and brain function, so healing doesn’t depend solely on a person’s willpower.
If you really want to help, you need a good dose of tact, empathy and validation. Remember that just as you can’t fix a broken arm – unless you’re a doctor – you can’t “cure” depression, no matter how well-intentioned you are. In most cases, the best thing you can do is to be there and supportive, while being clear about some of the things you shouldn’t say to someone with depression.
What not to say to a person with depression?
Depression isn’t just a “low feeling” that goes away with a friendly pat on the back or a “take it easy” message. Even though your words are meant to lift their spirits, they can often fall into clichés that make the situation worse.
1. “Cheer up”
Depression is not a state that is voluntarily chosen. People do not enjoy feeling depressed, so they cannot simply press a button and cheer themselves up. For this reason, exhortations to improve their mood or go out and have fun often only express a profound lack of understanding of what is happening.
People with depression lose their hobbies, some suffer from anhedonia and find it difficult to enjoy themselves because their disorder does not come and go, like sadness, but is a permanent condition that undermines their interest in the world and motivation. Telling them to cheer up is not only useless, but also invalidates their feelings and suffering.
Furthermore, if a person tries to cheer himself up, he often ends up experiencing additional frustration that plunges him even deeper into depression. Depressed people who are encouraged to go to a party, for example, often feel worse when they compare their mood with that of others.
So you can ask them: would you like to do something together? Or should we go for a walk? Often, these people just want someone to accompany them without constantly reminding them to have fun or enjoy life.
2. “Be positive”
In recent times, toxic optimism has been all over the place, so it is not surprising that it also comes in the form of advice for depression. However, pushing the depressed person to “be happy” and see the bright side of things is often a futile and sometimes even iatrogenic exercise.
In a way, it’s like asking someone with a broken leg to run a marathon, just because positivity attracts good things. It’s a wild and insensitive claim. Depression impairs the ability to be optimistic. When a person has trouble even thinking, it’s hard for them to see the bright side of things. And the last thing they need is to stuff themselves with cheap positive self-help phrases.
In fact, a study conducted at the Justus Liebig University Giessen, for example, found that major depression alters emotional perception, causing people to perceive interactions as more negative than they actually are.
Instead of offering superficial encouragement, the best thing you can do is lend a listening ear, encourage him to talk, if he wants to, and lend your emotional support.
3. “Be strong”
Most people, when they overcome depression, become more resilient. But it is very difficult to deal with depression with resilience, simply because at that time, such people lack the necessary psychological resources. Even if they want to, they cannot be resilient, strong, or stoic in the face of adversity. It just doesn’t work that way.
Such phrases equate depression with weakness, assuming that to get out of this cycle, you just need to want to or have a lot of willpower. Of course, the ability to commit to change is essential, but it is often not enough to leave depression behind.
These types of statements make people feel like there is something wrong with them. And the last thing a depressed person needs is more self-esteem problems, doubts and insecurities.
Instead, you can talk about the importance of vulnerability and asking for help. It’s not about feeling sorry for someone, but about showing empathy and compassion. It’s about not judging and providing emotional validation, so that person feels more comfortable expressing how they feel.
4. “There are those who are worse off”
Of course! And there are those who are better off. Although the purpose of these words is to encourage looking outside, from a more objective perspective, it is one of the phrases that you should not say to a person with depression. Basically, it is like telling someone who has serious knee problems to be happy because at least they have a leg.
That’s understandable. You probably want to inspire gratitude. But it’s not appropriate, because if someone has a sore knee, they just want to relieve their pain, and that discomfort isn’t mitigated by the fact that everyone else’s joints hurt, too.
For the depressed person, it is quite difficult to look outside their situation. It is difficult for them to feel “lucky” to be alive. This is because they have a deficit in cognitive inhibition that generates memory and attention biases, which set the stage for ruminative responses to negative events and negative moods.
What can you say to someone with depression? Gratitude can improve depression. Science has proven this. But to activate it, there is no need to encourage the person to compare themselves with others. You can gently point out the things they can feel fortunate about.
5. “You don’t let yourself be helped”
The previous messages were somewhat irrelevant, but at least they were positive. This is not the case. In fact, although it may seem like a neutral comment, it carries with it a judgment that suggests that the depressed person is, for some reason, choosing their pain or rejecting solutions.
This phrase, along with another common one, “you just don’t listen,” implies forgetting that depression is not a lack of desire or a lack of attitude, but rather a condition that affects both motivation and the ability to receive help. Hearing that “you don’t let yourself be helped” will only make the person feel guilty about something that in many cases is beyond their control, adding an extra layer of frustration.
In many cases, this phrase hides the frustration and helplessness of someone who tries to help and can’t. It is a projection of our discomfort at seeing a depressed person and not knowing what to do to “solve it.” In a certain way, it also blames the depressed person for their psychological state and the impact it causes on those around them. However, just as no one breaks a leg on purpose, no one is depressed because they want to be. And if they could solve it “on their own,” they would.
It’s become clear that you shouldn’t tell a person with depression that they won’t let you help them. What can you do instead? Take a more empathetic and compassionate approach, making it clear that you’re there for them for whatever they need. This opens up a space for support without demanding that the person act or feel the way you want them to. It’s a reminder that they can count on you without pressure or expectations, and that they feel supported.
Last but not least, you also need to stop pushing the person to go for a run, play sports, go to the gym or find a hobby. Sure, endorphins can alleviate depression, but if the person has trouble even getting out of bed, they won’t be able to do all the great things you’re suggesting. First, you need to get them out of bed and start living a healthy lifestyle, then you can start adding other activities.
Generally speaking, in most cases it is better to be present, supporting without being annoying or judging. Since feelings of loneliness and isolation are often common in depression, simply having a helping hand can be therapeutic.
It is important to remember that each person has a healing rhythm that should not be violated. If you are going to give advice, it should be to seek professional help.
References:
Tomczyk, J. et. Al. (2022) Gratitude Can Help Women At-Risk for Depression Accept Their Depressive Symptoms, Which Leads to Improved Mental Health. Front Psychol; 13:878819.
Kaletsch, M. et. Al. (2014) Major Depressive Disorder Alters Perception of Emotional Body Movements. Front Psychiatry; 5(4): 10.3389.
Joormann, J. et. Al. (2007) Cognitive inhibition in depression. Applied and Preventive Psychology; 12(3): 128-139.
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