You always have to go forward. Backwards, not even to gain momentum.
You have to make an effort. Giving up is for failures.
If life doesn’t stop, neither can you.
You always have to aspire to something more.
These and other beliefs are part of our culture. We have heard them repeated to us throughout our childhood, we have heard them again during adolescence and, when we can finally take control of our lives, they become our compass.
It is true that the key to success lies in perseverance, but so does the key to failure. In most cases, the line between perseverance and stubbornness is very subtle. When we have been hammered for years with the idea that we must remain firm in our purposes, and when we are too emotionally attached, it is difficult to know when the time has come to give up, to stop and change course. And a timely retreat can be a victory.
Three psychological phenomena that prevent us from abandoning a sinking ship
1. Intermittent reinforcement. Intermittent reinforcement creates a great dependency. Basically, it is an alternation of positive and negative situations, of successes and failures, of hopelessness and hope. This situation is very common in relationships, especially when a person behaves violently but then excuses himself with a gift or a romantic dinner. In this way, the person who is being subjected receives intermittent positive reinforcement that prevents him from breaking off the relationship since, in reality, it is not completely negative. Thus, that person will continue to be involved in a relationship that is hurting him, or will continue to pursue a goal, despite the signs of progress being negative.
2. Sunk costs. This is a fallacy that economists and entrepreneurs know very well, although in reality it happens to us in all facets of our lives, not just in business. Sunk costs refer to our tendency to continue investing time and effort, just because we do not want to throw away the time and effort we have already invested. Put this way, it may seem like a contradiction, it is as if we continue putting grain in a sack that we know has a hole, but it is the typical case of the couple who wants to save the marriage just because they have been married for two decades, not because they really have things in common or a good reason to fight for. Once we have invested our resources in some project, once we have established an emotional bond, it is difficult for us to leave because it is like admitting that we have failed.
3. Fear of uncertainty. If there is something that most people find difficult to manage, it is uncertainty. Not knowing what will happen, not being able to foresee the consequences, generates great anxiety, fear and frustration. As it is very difficult for us to deal with these feelings, we often prefer “a devil we know than a devil we don’t know” and we think that “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” The fear of uncertainty paralyzes us and, therefore, keeps us tied to projects or relationships that no longer work, that have no future prospects and that make us unhappy. And the fact is that abandoning something we know can involve a huge act of faith, a leap into a future that we do not know, along with the emotional consequences that this entails.
Speciation: When change is a matter of life or death
Periods of cultural speciation occur from time to time, a concept that comes from biology and refers to a change in species. In practice, there is a parent species, from which a new species emerges. However, this does not only occur among plants and animals but also in cultures, except that in this case the period of change is usually much shorter, it does not need centuries.
In the process of cultural speciation, there are a number of people who move away from the parent species in search of something new. What is meant by the parent species? It is nothing more than our circle of acquaintances, the usual means of communication, the state and, in a general sense, the entire pre-established system into which we were born.
However, at a certain point in our journey, that world can become too narrow a space, it squeezes us in the same way that our shoes squeezed us when we were little. However, at that time we were clear that the solution was to change shoes, we knew that we could not make our feet smaller and that taking painkillers for the pain was pointless because it would only be a temporary solution. We simply changed shoes.
However, when it comes to our lives, we tend to opt for the most absurd solutions, because the simplest ones scare us. Moving away from the parent species means taking a new path, where we don’t know what we’ll find. That’s why many people decide to stick to traditions, follow old habits and stay in their comfort zone, where they feel “safe.”
There are others who, although they do not know what they will find, understand that following the path of the mother species will not satisfy them but will increasingly consume their energy and, in the end, they will end up exhausted and frustrated. Therefore, they decide to change course, abandon what they had built, get rid of certainties and buy a ticket to the unknown.
The clear signs that the time has come to change
– Dissatisfaction. If what you are doing no longer satisfies you as before, if you do not find the same pleasure and your motivation has diminished to the point of almost disappearing completely, perhaps it is time to rethink your goals. It is normal that you need new stimuli, so there is nothing wrong with changing your goals.
– Exhaustion. Making an effort is positive and reaping the rewards after having worked hard is very rewarding, but everything in life must be assessed with perspective. Is all that effort really worth it? If the answer is no, perhaps you should look in another direction. It is not about following the easy path, but the path that really motivates you and that offers more satisfaction.
– Loss of meaning. If one day you wake up, look around and can’t understand what you’re doing there, it’s because that dream is no longer yours, it has lost its meaning. This is perfectly understandable because over time, we change. What is incomprehensible is that you continue to pursue a goal that has no meaning for you.
– Negative emotions. It is advisable that from time to time, you take stock of the emotions you are experiencing. If at a certain point that job or relationship begins to generate more negative emotions than positive ones, if they create more problems than the needs they satisfy, it is because the time has come to rethink them.
When you notice these signs, don’t rush into making a decision. Take a step back, try to adopt an objective position and assess where you are on the path, how much further you have to go and, above all, whether it is worth continuing on this path. Perhaps it is better to change course.
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