If you feel you’re being criticized too much or unfairly, you may have fallen into certain deep psychological patterns, from projection to other people’s insecurities. In fact, it’s quite common.
Winston Churchill said that “Criticism serves the same function as pain in the human body: to warn of unhealthy things.” And a few years ago, neuroscientists proved him right by discovering that experiences of rejection, criticism, and humiliation are processed in the same part of the brain responsible for processing pain.
However, the fact that criticism is a universal experience doesn’t make it any less painful. When we are criticized, we can feel very ashamed, angry, or even unworthy and incompetent.
Is criticism always negative?
Receiving criticism is inevitable, but not all criticism serves the same purpose or has the same impact. While constructive criticism helps us learn and improve, other criticism only generates frustration or makes us feel bad. Identifying the difference between constructive and destructive criticism is key to harnessing the former and protecting ourselves from the latter.
| CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM | DESTRUCTIVE CRITICISM | |
| INTENTION | Help to improve and grow | It points out flaws without offering solutions |
| APPROACH | Focused on actions, results, or behaviors | Person-centered using negative labels |
| TONE | Respectful, empathetic, and clear | Humiliating, aggressive or sarcastic |
| RESULT | It allows you to learn, reflect and improve | It generates frustration, insecurity, guilt, or demotivation |
| ORIENTATION | Include suggestions or practical solutions | It does not offer any upgrade options |
| EXAMPLE | “I noticed that your report was missing some data; could you review it and complete it?” | “Your report is a disaster, you always do everything wrong.” |
Why do people criticize so much?
There are people who are critical. No holds barred. They’re always watching what you do or don’t do, just to find fault. However, in my psychological practice, I’ve observed that in most cases the problem isn’t with you, but rather with the person doing the criticizing.
Understanding the underlying dynamics and motives will allow you to avoid taking criticism personally and react more assertively.
1. They feel threatened by some of your qualities and use criticism as a weapon to try to “level” the playing field. In practice, these people feel inferior, so they attack you for your weaknesses to bring you down to their level.
2. They feel entitled to special treatment or conditions and believe they aren’t receiving them. In these cases, the person may believe you owe them something or is simply too self-centered and thinks you should be at their beck and call, and if you don’t, they use criticism to make you feel bad.
3. They like to be in charge at all times and get scared when they feel they are losing control. In these cases, criticizing you gives them back, at least in part, a sense of control because they believe it diminishes you and allows them to take the reins.
4. They want to take advantage of you, in which case they will most likely criticize you in front of someone else, to make themselves appear better and more capable, or to advance their careers, whether at work or within their group of friends. In these cases, it’s because they see you as a rival or competitor.
5. They think they’re helping you, either by sharing their wisdom or experience. In fact, many hurtful criticisms can hide good intentions, even if they’re delivered inappropriately.
6. They believe that only their views are valid, so they criticize you when you dare to suggest something different, which is often considered a personal attack since, deep down, these people are usually very insecure.
7. They try to get your attention but because they lack social and/or emotional skills, they don’t know how to do it assertively, so they end up criticizing, complaining, or whining.
8. They seek admiration and approval. In fact, when people think they are experts in a subject or field, they often criticize others to demonstrate what they know and reaffirm their position, seeking admiration.
9. They feel frustrated because they have tried to express their needs or opinions more assertively but have not been listened to, and as a result, they take out all that anger on criticism.
10. They feel hurt by your words or actions, perhaps unintentional, but they don’t dare to say it directly; instead, they cover up that dissatisfaction under a more or less reasonable criticism.
11. They are projecting their fears and insecurities onto you. In fact, when people don’t accept certain aspects of themselves and recognize them in others, these generate a great deal of rejection and give rise to criticism. This is what is known as “rejected selves.”
12. They try to get revenge on you for something they never fully came to terms with, so they turn criticism into a tool of humiliation and shame. In practice, they try to “get back at you.”
13. They need to feel powerful, even if it means stepping on you. To achieve this, they use criticism like a weapon to beat you down. This often happens when they have fragile self-esteem and seek to reaffirm their authority by attacking others, instead of confronting their own insecurities.
14. They have interpreted your words or attitudes as criticism, so they have gone straight on the counterattack. In these cases, their reaction doesn’t necessarily reflect the intention of your message, but rather their tendency to perceive threats or judgments where none exist, generating unnecessary conflicts.
15. They envy or admire you, but they can’t express those emotions properly, so they end up criticizing those very qualities. Criticism thus becomes an indirect way of dealing with their own feelings: attacking what they desire or value in you is easier than honestly acknowledging their admiration or envy.
How to respond when someone criticizes you?
How you respond to people who constantly criticize you will largely depend on the situation and the reasons behind it. In fact, there are cases where it’s best not to take it personally because responding to the criticism would only embolden the other person and satisfy their desire for attention and control. In that situation, it’s best to ignore them because trying to defend yourself will lead you to a dead end. Therefore, if you can, turn a deaf ear.
When the person criticizing you is important to you, it’s wise to listen and let them know you care and love them, even if you disagree with their opinion. You can also express your respect for their ideas and efforts, while also asserting your independence to make your own decisions.
When faced with criticism in public and you want to defend your performance or judgment, I’ve found that the best approach is not to respond with further criticism, but rather to calmly dismantle what the other person has said. Often, a calm, concise, and intelligent response is enough to make a good impression and emerge unscathed.
In any case, it’s always wise to reflect on criticism and, if it contains some truth, correct our behavior. That, too, is a sign of psychological maturity.
Source:
Eisenberger, N. I.; Lieberman, M. D. & Williams, K. D. (2003) Does rejection hurt? An FMRI study of social exclusion. Science; 302(5643): 290-292.
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