If you are a kind, sensitive, empathetic person who is willing to help others, it is likely that on more than one occasion you have found yourself in situations where others do not recognize what you do for them. In fact, it is even likely that what was initially selfless help ends up transmuting into a demand, to the point of feeling obliged to always be available.
It is also likely that when you finally realize that there is no reciprocity, that you continually give without receiving anything in return, you will say “enough is enough!” Then you will end up looking like the “bad guy” without receiving a shred of gratitude in return. And although generosity is important in the relationships we establish, it is also important to be aware of the expectations we generate in order to avoid falling into toxic loops in which help degenerates into duty.
The demand loop: how does help become an obligation?
Help, in its purest essence, should be a generous and selfless act. We help without expecting anything in return. However, the problem begins when what was an altruistic gesture turns into a burden.
Over time, assistance can become an expectation. When some people receive help on a continual basis (often even when they don’t need it), they tend to assume that these gestures are obligatory, which can lead to an unbalanced relationship in which you feel trapped in a cycle of excessive duty and demand in which you receive not even gratitude in return.
1. Gratitude
As a general rule, the first time you do something for someone, you generate a feeling of gratitude. Your selfless and spontaneous gesture is usually well received and appreciated. In fact, gratitude works as a kind of “social glue.”
A study conducted at the University of California found that when people experience gratitude, they not only feel better, but also more connected to each other and indebted to others. However, that feeling of gratitude can fade over time.
2. Anticipation
The second time you do something for someone, you’re likely to start building anticipation; that is, the person expects you to help them again at some point. Anticipation is also written in our genes and confers important evolutionary benefits. It’s a skill that helps us tie up loose ends to predict what’s going to happen and anticipate circumstances.
Being able to foresee future events allows us to plan cognitive, affective and behavioural strategies to ensure our survival in a changing and potentially challenging environment, as researchers at Harvard University have found. However, anticipation is only a short step away from unrealistic expectations.
3. Expectations
The third time you help someone, you’ll create an expectation; that is, that person begins to expect you to always be willing to help them. They no longer assume that you will help them, but rather they expect you to help them, regardless of your circumstances and availability.
In some people, these expectations may be expressed as a humble, discreet and confident expectation, but in others they can become very intense, to the point of bordering on demand. At this stage, recognition begins to fade and often erases the initial feeling of gratitude.
4. Deserving
By the fourth time you do something for someone, that person may start to believe that they deserve it. At this point, they have moved far beyond the gratitude they initially felt and begin to develop a feeling of “obligation.”
They feel that they deserves your help, so they take it for granted and expects more of it. They start to think of it as part of your duty to them, so they probably don’t feel the need to thank you either. At this point, the initial selfless help becomes a demand and it can make you feel bad if you can’t lend a hand one day.
5. Addiction
The fifth time, metaphorically speaking, that you do something for someone without receiving anything in return, you are likely to develop an “emotional addiction,” meaning that the person feels that they can no longer live well without what you give them. It is not an addiction in the literal sense of the term, but rather that the person becomes more and more dependent on your intervention.
This can create a dependency dynamic in which the other person feels unable to face certain challenges or responsibilities without your help. As a result, they end up assuming that you will always be there, and they are likely to feel very frustrated or even angry if you cannot help them. At this point, it is not unusual for them to resort to emotional blackmail to try to make you feel guilty and achieve their goals.
Clear boundaries prevent excessive demands
To avoid falling into this loop, it is essential to know where the limit is when giving, especially if others do not know limits when it comes to receiving.
- Set clear expectations. Communicate openly your intentions and the scope of your help from the beginning. This will help the others understand that your support has limits and that you won’t always be available to meet their demands because you also have your own needs to meet.
- Encourage autonomy. Don’t do for others what they can do for themselves. That should be a rule set in stone. So make sure your help doesn’t create dependency. Encourage that person to seek solutions and solve problems on their own. This way you will also help them grow.
- Be firm in your decisions. Learn to say “no” without giving exhaustive explanations when you feel that someone is trying to manipulate you, does not need your help, or you simply cannot provide it. This way you will avoid closing the loop of demand and you will be able to protect your time and energy, maintaining a healthy balance in your interactions.
References:
Lyubomirsky, S. et. Al. (2022) Satisfied yet striving: Gratitude fosters life satisfaction and improvement motivation in youth. Emotion: 22(5):1004-1016.
Gilbert, D. T. & Wilson, T. D. (2007) Prospection: experiencing the future.Science; 317(5843): 1351-1354.
