The situations, conflicts and problems we experience during childhood do not always remain buried in the past. In fact, many of these experiences remain embedded in the deepest part of our unconscious and from there they exert their influence on our daily lives, although most of the time we are not even aware of it.
When we suffer from childhood trauma or emotional wounds, the child that still lives inside us continues to respond as if it were in danger, which prevents us from giving adaptive responses appropriate to our age and level of maturity. In practice, in certain situations, that frightened, humiliated or abandoned child takes control. Of course, in those cases, it can do more harm than good.
Attachment Theory
To understand the effect that childhood trauma has on our lives as adults, we must delve into attachment theory. According to this, to understand the type of relationships we establish in adulthood, it is essential to look back at the relationships we established with our parents or important figures.
According to attachment theory, parents’ behavior and the emotional relationships they establish with their children have profound implications for the way children will react in the future. This emotional relationship will survive over time because it is the basis on which we form our “self.” In fact, based on this relationship, we build a series of internal models that guide us and allow us to interpret the environment.
When this relationship has generated a secure attachment, there is a high probability that we will become open and self-confident people. When this attachment is avoidant, ambivalent or disorganized, we will have a distorted and negative vision of the world and of ourselves, which means that, in the long run, we will have to face more conflicts and we will not have the psychological resources necessary to deal with them.
Of course, childhood traumas are not a burden that we should carry forever, but it is important to learn to recognize them because only in this way will we be able to heal them and move forward.
The childhood traumas that hurt the most in adulthood
- Rejection. The fear of rejection arises as soon as a child realises that he is an independent person from his parents, at around two years of age. At that time, the child begins to actively seek acceptance from figures who are important to him. If these people reject him, it can generate childhood trauma, an emotional wound that is difficult to heal as it generates the belief that he is not good enough or worthy of being loved. Rejection in childhood causes self-disqualification and generates low self-esteem. These are people who are constantly afraid of failing and who desperately need the approval of others.
How to heal this wound?
Start valuing your positive abilities and achievements. Little by little, dare to take risks and make decisions for yourself. You will realize that as you gain confidence, the opinions of others will no longer condition you. In this way, you will begin to live more fully, doing what you truly like and are passionate about.
- Abandonment. Children need other people to grow up, and only through this contact can their personality be properly formed. However, if their parents have always been absent, even from an emotional point of view, that child will feel abandoned and will not have support to turn to when they need it. For this reason, people who have experienced abandonment in their childhood tend to be insecure and develop an emotional dependence based on a deep fear of being abandoned again. Deep down, they have not managed to get rid of this childhood trauma, and they continue to relive it in their daily relationships.
How to heal this wound?
First of all, it is important that you learn to be comfortable with yourself. You don’t always have to have people around you; sometimes, loneliness is a good advisor. Remember that throughout life, we meet many people and it is normal that at some point our paths diverge. Learn to embrace changes and develop an optimistic view of interpersonal relationships; it is possible that around the corner there is someone fabulous waiting to meet you.
- Humiliation. It has been shown that social rejection and humiliation not only cause suffering but also physical pain, since this sensation shares the same brain circuits as pain. Humiliation is already difficult to bear for an adult, so for a child it can be an atrocious wound. In fact, it is likely that you still remember an event from your childhood in which you felt humiliated. If this situation is repeated frequently, it is likely that the person will end up developing a defense mechanism that turns him into a tyrannical and selfish being; it is a shield to defend himself from future humiliation.
How to heal this wound?
In this case, it is important to learn to forgive. Only when we let go of the resentment we have held for years, can we find our true self, which is not a frightened child who needs to defend himself but a self-confident adult, who knows his capabilities and does not hesitate to assertively defend his rights.
- Injustice. It has recently been discovered that very young children, as young as 15 months, already have a sense of justice that is sufficiently developed to classify a situation as unequal or equal. Therefore, receiving an education in which they have been victims of constant injustices deeply lacerates their “self”, transmitting to them the idea that they are not worthy of the attention of others. An adult who suffered injustices as a child can become an insecure person or, on the contrary, a cynical person who has a pessimistic view of life. Due to this childhood trauma, this person will have problems trusting others and establishing relationships because, unconsciously, he thinks that everyone will treat him badly.
How to heal this wound?
It is important to accept that injustices committed in childhood do not have to be repeated in adulthood. Understand that you now have other resources to assert your rights and receive much fairer treatment.
- Betrayal. One of the things that children do not forgive is being betrayed, especially by their parents. However, this is a fairly common situation, as many parents make promises that they later do not keep. In this way, they create in the child the idea that the world is an unreliable place. However, if we do not manage to trust people, we become hermits, isolated from the world, who will never be able to achieve anything and who will feel deeply alone. These people normally behave in a cold manner, try to build a wall in their interpersonal relationships and do not let others into their intimacy.
How to heal this wound?
Just because the people you were supposed to trust let you down doesn’t mean everyone else will. Building strong relationships requires letting others into your life and trusting them. Only when you are able to give of yourself will others give of themselves to you.
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