There are people who don’t raise their voices or make open threats, but they still get what they want because they influence how you feel, how you relate to others, and even how you perceive yourself. Science has a name for this type of dynamic: relational aggressiveness. It doesn’t involve physical or verbal violence, nor are there explicit conflicts; it’s a more silent and difficult-to-detect phenomenon, and precisely for that reason, more dangerous.
Damaging without being noticed
Relational aggression includes behaviors such as spreading rumors, excluding someone from a group, deliberately ignoring them, or sabotaging their social relationships. These actions don’t leave visible marks, but their emotional consequences are profound.
In fact, research leaves no room for doubt: although these dynamics go unnoticed, they have real and measurable effects on the victims. Those who suffer relational aggression are more likely to develop symptoms of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and hopelessness.
You’ve probably seen or even experienced this in work settings, among friends, or even within your family. It happens when, for example, a group stops including you in important decisions without explanation. When someone starts twisting what you say to make it seem offensive or makes passive-aggressive comments that make you look bad.
None of this seems like aggression in the traditional sense, but psychologically it is, because it ends up having a destabilizing effect. It makes you doubt yourself because there’s no clear event you can point to as the cause, no explicit aggression has occurred, and sometimes you don’t even know who the “culprit” is. There are only vague signs, awkward silences, and changes in other people’s attitudes. And this generates a kind of psychological wear and tear that stems from the feeling of being displaced without understanding why.
Unfortunately, this type of aggression works because of its ambiguous nature. The lack of clarity protects the perpetrator, because they can always deny or reinterpret it. “It’s not that bad,” “you’re taking it the wrong way,” or “you’re just imagining things” become common responses. And over time, the victim not only suffers social rejection but also the erosion of their own perception of reality.
What’s most disturbing is that this type of behavior isn’t accidental; it can be a conscious strategy employed by some people.
The Science Behind Social Manipulation
A large-scale study conducted at Deakin University with more than 2,000 adults analyzed how certain personality traits influence this type of behavior. And the results are quite clear: people with traits of the so-called Dark Triad (psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and narcissism) are more likely to resort to relational aggression.
But the important thing isn’t just who does it, but how they do it.
People with these traits prefer covert and difficult-to-detect forms of aggression that we might call “socially clean.” They don’t confront directly, but rather pull the strings behind the scenes, maintaining a facade of friendliness.
To control social dynamics, they resort to indirect mechanisms such as gradual exclusion, manipulating information, or creating strategic alliances within the group. These are forms of influence that operate behind the scenes but completely reorganize relationships.
Certain personality traits facilitate this relational aggression. Psychopathy, for example, has been associated with low empathy and a lack of remorse, creating the psychological conditions to damage relationships without experiencing guilt. Machiavellianism, on the other hand, adds a strategic layer because it allows for the manipulation of others while maintaining an acceptable image. And narcissism acts as the driving force, introducing the need for status, control, and validation.
Together, these traits function as a kind of “social toolbox” for manipulating others and achieving their goals.
Ultimately, relational aggression is not always recognized because it doesn’t need to be obvious to be effective. It operates precisely in that ambiguous space where no one raises their voice, but relationships are silently reshaped. Perhaps the key isn’t just identifying who uses it, but paying closer attention to how we feel in certain environments: whether we feel withdrawn, confused, or constantly doubting ourselves. Sometimes, the best indicator isn’t what’s said, but what begins to disappear without explanation.
Source:
Patafio, B. (2025) Dark and light personalities: A utilitarian perspective on their impact on relational aggression. Personality and Individual Differences; 242: 113209.
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