Having children is a wonderful experience. No doubt. However, parenthood also brings challenges that test our patience and stretch the limits of our understanding. Defaced walls, stained clothes just leaving the house or that broken ornament from a ball, are small daily accidents that for adults are disasters but for children are valuable learning opportunities.
When your child starts to want to do things alone
Sooner or later, all parents face that moment when their children want to start doing things without their help. In fact, this is great news because it means that they are starting to take initiative and feel confident enough to test their skills.
However, that road to autonomy is not always paved with roses. Throughout the learning journey, children make mistakes, take forever, break things… In short, they do what they are not supposed to do – at least from our adult mentality.
A few years ago, Melissa Sher shared a story that illustrates how we misinterpret those little childhood disasters. She told that one day her daughter ran to her all excited and proud. “Then she broke a new crayon in two. ‘Maggie! Why the hell did you just break a new wax?’ I yelled at her. My daughter looked at me with wide eyes, but the joy and pride they had expressed a second before had vanished. She then burst into tears, saying between sobs, ‘I just wanted to show you how strong I am!’”
As adults, it is often difficult for us to understand that the child mentality does not follow our same logic. It is difficult for us to understand that many times children do not do things to annoy us, but simply because they do not know how to do them in another way or they are experimenting. Children’s antics can create chaos and disorder, but for them they are also fun learning opportunities that boost their self-confidence and self-efficacy.
Pausing for a moment our adult mentality
Some of the things our children do can drive us crazy, especially when we’re in a hurry or have had a bad day, but sometimes it’s worth pausing our adult mindset to see what happened through their eyes.
Where you see a simple wall, your child sees a blank canvas on which he can display his creativity.
Where you see a simple wax broken in half, your child sees a feat of strength.
Where you see a messy room, hides your child’s newfound ability to dress himself.
Where you see a stained carpet, hides your child’s attempt to hold the cup to drink alone.
Where you see toothpaste lining the bathroom, hides your child’s initiative to brush his teeth without your guidance.
Where you see a stained sofa, hides your child’s attempt to get up without your help, supporting himself with his own strength.
Where you simply see dirty and stained clothes, is developing your child’s ability to eat alone.
Where you see a messy kitchen, hides your child’s illusion of giving you a surprise or exploring a new universe of textures and flavors.
Where you see a broken vase, hides your son’s attempt to help you sweep or clean – wink at my mother.
It’s likely that every time you think “wow, what a mess!” there’s a skill brewing, an ability being tested, a limit your child is trying to overcome, or a new area they want to explore.
Everything is permitted?
Of course not. Children need clear rules and regulations. Allowing them to do and undo as they please implies falling into permissiveness, which is extremely harmful. However, from permissiveness to catastrophizing there is a long way. Between allowing them everything and not allowing them anything, there is an intermediate point called a reasonable balance.
As parents, we need to make sure that children have the freedom and space they need to experiment and try to do things on their own. And we must be aware that while they explore and learn, small “disasters” will occur.
It is important to retain the impulse to run to correct, reprimand or, even worse, do things for them because that way children will lose self-confidence and become dependent.
Perhaps we should reconsider the level of demand with children and start relabeling those “little disasters” as steps on their learning path. Along that journey, it’s normal for them to make mistakes and do things they shouldn’t. Instead of losing patience, getting angry and yelling at them, we should explain why they shouldn’t do it again, show them the consequences or teach them how to do it better.
After all, what seems like a disaster to us may just be a step our children are taking towards their autonomy and self-sufficiency. Perhaps we need to learn more to pause our adult mentality to understand them better and accompany them in this trial and error process with a more constructive and relaxed attitude. A wall can be repainted, but when a child’s creativity is curtailed, it is difficult for him/her to get it back.
Source:
Ortega, L. (2019) Donde tú ves un desastre, tu hijo ve una capacidad o habilidad nueva. In: Bebés y más.
