As children grow, their autonomy and independence increase significantly, and they gradually manage to take care of themselves almost without the help of adults. By then, it is natural for them to feel that they are capable of doing anything and to try it every time they have the opportunity, even if it goes against the rules established at home or at school. For them, there is nothing more important than what they want and can do.
As you can imagine, this attitude is very positive in promoting their knowledge of the world, however, sometimes it can become a big problem, especially for parents, who may find it very difficult to control the child’s behavior. In fact, this is one of the main reasons for consultations in the area of Child Psychology. When the child’s desire for independence grows and parents are not able to establish certain limits, the situation can get out of hand and may even lead to situations that are dangerous for the child.
However, one of the first things you should know is that no strategy for educating and managing the behavior of a difficult child is completely effective, because what may work for some children may be completely counterproductive for others. That is why you should gradually try out the best mechanisms to get your child to respect the rules, starting from a series of basic principles that allow you to lay good foundations. Here are some essential criteria.
8 Tips for Managing Difficult Children’s Behavior
1. Set clear limits. Setting limits on your child’s demands is essential, and the sooner you do it, the better. However, setting limits doesn’t mean setting rules that are foolish and crazy, but rather based on the child’s age and the values you want to develop. It’s important to make it clear why each limit is being set and to be specific when giving instructions, since saying “You must behave well” is not the same as expressing this same idea in more specific situations: “Don’t throw your toys,” “Don’t shout,” or “Don’t hit your little brother.”
2. Give them only the attention they need. Children always need the attention of adults, so they will do the unthinkable to earn it. However, they need to learn that they cannot always receive the attention they demand, especially if they are difficult children who behave negatively. This is what is known in child psychology as the time-out technique or withdrawal of attention, and it involves adults withdrawing attention from the child when he or she behaves inappropriately, and only paying attention to him or her again when he or she behaves well. It is a very effective strategy to teach children which behaviors they should eliminate and which ones to promote.
3. Explain the decisions and allow them to take part in the matter. Explaining to the child the reasons why you are asking them to do or avoid something is essential because this way they will understand that it is not just a whim. In addition, the probability of disobedience will be lower if you try to involve them with the request or if they can choose another alternative. For example, if you are going to ask them to pick up their toys, explain why they should do it and then propose some options so they can choose freely: “You have finished playing, now we are going to put away the toys so the room is tidy. Mom is going to help you pick up, tell me which ones you prefer to put away.”
4. Be consistent with what you ask of the child and seek complicity in other people. It will be useless to try to establish rules that the child does not appreciate in his environment or that no one else complies with. The most typical case is when you ask him to speak in a low voice but at home people tend to shout all the time. Therefore, before imposing a rule, it is important that it is shared by others, that the child understands that it does not apply only to him. In this way he will be more motivated to comply with it.
5. Learn to control your emotions. Yelling at your child, getting angry with him or strongly reprimanding him will not help his education at all. If he is dealing with a difficult child and your goal is to teach him what behaviors he should avoid, you should calm down when he repeats them over and over again. It may be a complicated task, especially if you are immersed in other tasks, however, it will always be the best solution because when you let yourself be overcome by anger and rage, it will be difficult to give your child good advice or a coherent explanation.
6. Be consistent and firm in the decisions you make regarding the child. The adoption of new rules and limits usually brings with it a negative attitude in children, and it is very common that during the first few times the behavior you want to avoid appears even more frequently and intensely than before. This is a completely normal reaction that indicates that you are on the right path, so you should not despair or give up on your efforts. Be firm in the decisions you make regarding the child, perhaps at first they will not be effective, but with the passage of time they will end up being effective.
7. Learn to be flexible according to circumstances. At first glance, this may seem like a contradiction, but it is about being able to make the rules and demands you have established more flexible. Obviously, you must be firm and consistent in applying them, but you must not forget that there are special circumstances in which the child needs to break these rules, such as a party, a field trip, or an afternoon spent with friends. Remember that there is nothing more exciting to break a rule than extreme rigidity. It is about promoting positive and developmental behavior, not becoming an iron-fisted tyrant.
8. Always have some alternatives at hand. Having certain limits that guide the child’s behavior is positive for his education, however, denying him all the time the things he likes will only have a counterproductive effect. Therefore, it is advisable to have several alternatives at hand when the NO is too frequent, for example, if after having scolded him several times he asks you to go play with his friends, you can say: “You cannot go play with your friends because you have misbehaved, instead you can stay in your room and play with your brother.” The idea is to minimize the negative effect that limits and rules can have and to prevent the child from feeling bombarded.
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