We live clinging to control, even if it’s hard for us to admit it. Control is not only that pressure that is exerted on another person, but also those small daily acts through which we rigidly structure our lives. Control is not letting emotions show through. Trying to find an explanation for everything. And, of course, wanting the world to go as we wish.
However, despite the fact that the illusion of control gives us security and, in a certain way, helps us to look to the future with more calm and confidence, we cannot forget that it is a mirage.
The real world is made of chaos and unpredictability. If we are not able to learn to flow after we have done everything possible, we will only hurt ourselves. When we resist and try to keep everything under control, we not only waste an enormous amount of emotional energy, but we also increase our suffering.
What we resist hurts us
In life, sometimes a twist of fate is enough to shatter our plans. Sometimes a few seconds undo years of meticulous planning and effort. Those drastic changes confuse and overwhelm us, as well as being quite frustrating.
Resistance to change is often our first reaction. We resist what seems impossible, unfair or does not fit into our planning. That resistance pushes us to unconsciously gravitate toward more control.
In the midst of uncertainty, control becomes a lifeline. And indeed, it can be for a while. That is the reason why, when faced with a big blow, many people react in an “incoherent” way, focusing on seemingly inconsequential tasks. Upon receiving the news of the death of a relative, for example, a person may feel the need to clean the house or go shopping.
Those small daily tasks completely unrelated to what happened, serve to give us back the feeling of control that life has just taken from us. This control gives us the minimum amount of calm and security we need to face adversity without breaking down. Therefore, the search for control is not necessarily negative.
However, control becomes a problem when we try to extend it to all events, even those over which we have no decision-making power. In those cases, when life brings you against the ropes, you must remember that once you have done your best, you must let go. It is the simplest and most valuable advice to face adversity, although at the same time the most difficult to apply because we are not used to flow.
Find the “Line of Least Resistance”
If when we are involved in uncertain circumstances – such as illness, the loss of a loved one or a breakup – we strive to control all the details, we will end up mentally exhausted and emotionally shattered.
The key to surviving adversity is not carelessly drifting or fearfully clinging to the known trying to control everything, but learning to flow with circumstances by keeping an open and receptive mind. Alan Watts called this attitude “The Line of Least Resistance”.
Watts explained that we cannot run away from pain and that the attempt to resist, or the tendency to control events, is a kind of maladaptive defense mechanism that only aggravates suffering. Instead, we must learn to “Hold steady and absorb.”
“Fleeing from fear is fear. Fighting pain is painful… Wanting to get rid of pain is pain… If the mind suffers, you have to accept it.” When we stop trying to control everything, the mind gives in and absorbs the situation, being aware of the pain it causes and the uncertainty it brings.
Many times “When the resistance ceases, the pain disappears or subsides until it is reduced to a tolerable discomfort”, as Watts explained. The resistance that is expressed through control is like trying to swim against an impetuous current, while the most intelligent thing to preserve our strength and maintain psychological balance, would be swimming with the current taking advantage of its momentum, or waiting patiently on the shore for more favorable conditions.
When we find the Line of Least Resistance, we are better able to face stressful or adverse situations, particularly those that do not depend on us. In fact, it allows us to save energy and emotional resources that can be extremely valuable for the future.
For that reason, once you have done everything possible, you have nothing left but to flow with life. Thinking that it will be what it should be and that, whatever happens, you will face it in the best possible way. Letting go of control will take your stress away, which will ease your suffering and lessen your worries helping you to calm your mind.
Interestingly, this state of flow – which does not mean passivity or resignation – will help you calm down, accept what happens, and make better decisions when the time comes. It’s hard? Definitely! But it is the best way to deal with situations that overwhelm you but you cannot control.
