Sometimes, even if we don’t realize it, we maintain an overly critical and even hostile communication style. Criticism comes to us spontaneously, learning not to make value judgments and accepting without judging are more complex skills that require certain training.
For this reason, I propose a very simple exercise: try to find the sad face in the image below.
It probably didn’t take you long. Most people find it surprisingly easy to spot the sad face. And it’s been proven that we do the same in our everyday lives.
In practice, we notice negative events more, their impact is greater than that of positive events. If a person is in a bad mood, he or she will tend to remember the negative experiences he or she has had and will find it harder to remember the good times.
Similarly, a single act of dishonesty can have a disproportionate effect on someone’s reputation and it can take years for that person to clean up their image. A compliment may momentarily inflate our ego, but a criticism can have devastating effects for much of our life.
Therefore, it is important to pay attention to our speech, especially in the context of our relationship with our partner, children, parents or friends, since some words can hurt deeply, much more than we imagine.
It takes 5 praises to delete 1 critic
Psychologist John Gottman has spent more than three decades analyzing the factors that predict a couple’s happiness and well-being. He discovered something curious while examining people’s comments: the frequency of positive comments has to outweigh the frequency of negative comments, by a ratio of 5:1.
In other words, it takes five positive comments that show understanding and support to delete just one negative comment that had even a hint of contempt, hostility, or unhealthy criticism.
Surprisingly, Gottman also found that the level of positive feedback is often at rock bottom. Why?
The answer is very simple: when someone makes a positive comment to us, no matter how banal it may be, we tend to thank them. However, we do not always respond with another positive comment, thus breaking this kind of “circle of good vibes.”
On the contrary, when we receive a negative comment, we tend to immediately respond with another, even more scathing comment, which in turn triggers more hostility. In this way, the situation quickly gets out of hand and can end up in a full-blown argument. In fact, you probably remember that last fight with your partner that started over a silly reason.
Obviously, the problem is that this mechanism happens automatically, we do not realize that we are breaking the positive circle and triggering a loop of negativity.
If you don’t want to become a toxic person, one that no one wants to be around, you better start being aware of this mechanism. The simple fact of not feeding this loop of negativity with stinging and critical comments will greatly improve your interpersonal relationships and, in the long run, increase your well-being.
How to do it?
– Insert positive words into your speech
A study conducted at the University of Texas recruited 80 couples who had just begun their relationship. Over the course of three months, they collected the messages these people had sent each other. The psychologists were able to see that the couples who wrote in more positive terms not only stayed together but also felt satisfied with their relationship.
However, those who used more negative words, were critical or simply limited themselves to referring to everyday activities, not only felt more dissatisfied but many had already broken up.
So the message is clear: it is important that you make an effort to include words of understanding, encouragement or support in your speech every day.
– Uses comparative thinking
Psychologists at the University of Groningen wondered whether comparative thinking could be used as a tool to improve interpersonal relationships and avoid friction. So they recruited couples in a stable relationship and asked them to think about each other in two different ways. One group was asked to explain in a few words why their relationship was satisfactory. The second group was asked to think of other relationships that were not as satisfactory and to explain why theirs was better.
In practice, both tasks were identical: explaining why the relationships were satisfactory. However, the path was different. In the end, it was found that those who had made the comparison highlighted more positive aspects of their partner.
The strategy is therefore simple: to stay on a positive wavelength, it is useful to make comparisons and bring to mind all the things that could go wrong. This way we will realise that our reality is not as negative as we perceive it.
References:
Slatcher, RB & Pennebaker, JW (2006) How do I love them? Let me count the words: The social effects of expressive writing. Psychological Science ; 17: 660–664.
Baumeister, R.F. et. Al. (2001) Bad is stronger than good. Review of General Psychology ; 5: 323–370.
Buunk, B.P. et. Al. (2001) Enhancing satisfaction through downward comparison: The role of relational discontent and individual differences in social comparison orientation. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology ; 37: 452–467.
Gottman, J. (1984) Why marriages succeed or fail. New York: Simon & Schuster.
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