An oyster that has not been injured cannot produce pearls. Pearls only grow when a foreign body, such as a grain of sand, manages to enter the oyster’s interior.
At this point, the oyster activates its defense mechanisms and produces a substance that covers the foreign body, forming different layers. This substance is called nacre.
A pearl is therefore the result of a healed wound, of the oyster’s struggle to protect itself.
Resilience follows a very similar process.
There are people who, when attacked, develop large doses of resentment, anger and rancor. Therefore, their wounds remain open even after time passes, causing suffering and pain.
Other people manage to overcome it, creating different layers that act as a balm for their wounds, layers of acceptance, forgiveness and love. In this way, they not only manage to heal their wounds but they become stronger.
That is what resilience is, the ability to face adversity and emerge stronger, to grow through setbacks, bringing out the best in us in the most difficult times. In fact, resilience does not only involve facing a problem, but learning from it and growing as people, enhancing some of our best qualities.
Resilience can be a matter of life or death
Resilience will not only help you face the worst moments with a good face, it not only has a positive impact on your mood but also affects the way your body fights the disease.
In this regard, researchers at King’s College Hospital in London discovered that the way we deal with the disease influences its course. In their study, they were able to see that when two people have the same initial clinical condition, the one who faces the disease with fatalism and despair has a worse prognosis. However, the one who faces the disease in a more resilient way and does not give up has a better prognosis.
Why?
The answer, or at least part of it, comes from another study, this time conducted at the University of Cambridge. Everything seems to indicate that the resilient process stimulates the production of DHEA. This is a hormone that has been renamed “the hormone of resilience” because it regulates the levels of cortisol, the stress hormone and precursor of inflammatory processes. In fact, it has been observed that people with low levels of DHEA are also more likely to suffer from depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Being more resilient not only helps us face bad weather with a good face, but it also benefits our health. The good news is that resilience is not an innate characteristic, it can be developed. We can all learn to be more resilient.
Learning from resilient people
Over the last few decades, various studies have been carried out to discover what resilient people have in common. In this way, some common characteristics and ways of behaving have been revealed:
1. They have a highly developed sense of self
People who manage to develop a strong sense of self, who know who they are and what is important in life, are better able to cope with adversity because they are less susceptible to external influences. These are people who know their potential and limitations very well, who are able to find strength within themselves, an inner strength that helps them deflect unhealthy criticism and overcome obstacles. These people are aware that, even though the road may be uphill at times, it is they who forge their destiny.
2. They take the positive out of every situation
Resilient people are not naive optimists, but rather develop a realistic optimism. They are aware of their potential and resources, but at the same time, they have an optimistic outlook. These people know that situations are not entirely positive or negative, so they strive to find the positive aspects even in the midst of adversity. When things go wrong, the resilient person tries to learn the lesson. In fact, a resilient person never loses or fails, because he or she always learns.
3. They look to the future
Resilient people tend to develop a very pragmatic outlook on life. While most people spend time crying over spilled milk and regretting what happened, resilient people look to the future. These people are aware that no matter how much the wound hurts, time heals everything. They have the ability to overcome current adversity by looking to the future, painting a more complete picture of the situation, which allows them to put their situation into perspective.
4. They are highly flexible
Resilient people have a very clear self-concept and know what their goals are, but they are also very flexible in the face of change. In a storm, they do not offer the dangerous resistance of oak but behave like hemp, folding when necessary and then recomposing themselves. They know how to adapt their plans to new circumstances, they do not cling to the past but are able to restructure their path very quickly. By not clinging to a single solution, the universe of possibilities before them is broader.
5. They are persistent in their purposes
Resilient people change the route, not the destination. In fact, if there is one thing that characterizes them, it is their enormous perseverance and tenacity. These people know very well where they want to go and they fight to achieve it. Their secret lies in the fact that they do not fight battles that they have already lost, they do not tilt at windmills but flow with the flow. These people are aware that they cannot decide the direction of the wind, but they can orient their sails to take advantage of it in their favor.
6. They face life with a sense of humor
One of the most important characteristics that distinguishes resilient people is their sense of humor. In fact, they are not only able to laugh at adversity but also at themselves. In this way, they turn laughter into an ally that allows them to maintain optimism when everything around them becomes dark. However, these people do not make fun of others; their sense of humor is intelligent and critical, not intended to downplay the situation, but only to de-dramatize and release negative emotions.
7. They cultivate acceptance
Traumatic situations that have not been processed emotionally continue to hurt us. In fact, it has been observed that traumatic experiences and those that we have already accepted are stored in different places in our brain and, when evoked, activate different emotions. That is why resilient people strive to cultivate acceptance. These people notice the pain of the wound but do not deny it or try to repress it, but rather accept it. Resilient people reflect on negative experiences in order to understand them, accept them and find a place for them in their “self”. In this way, they manage to move on more quickly.
8. They accept uncertainty
One of the biggest sources of tension, stress and overwhelm is trying to control every situation. When something gets out of hand, insecurity quickly sets in. That’s why resilient people choose to embrace uncertainty, understanding that there are no answers to everything and that sometimes, bad things happen to good people. These people don’t torture themselves looking for an explanation they’ll never find. Instead, they accept the uncertainty that comes with every change, and try to handle it as best they can.
9. They trust in their abilities
Resilient people are not superheroes. And they know it. However, they trust in their abilities and, above all, in their capacity to get ahead. When faced with an obstacle, resilient people may not have the skills or knowledge necessary to deal with it, but this does not discourage them. On the contrary, they face it as a challenge, because they trust that they will be able to deal with the situation in the best possible way and come out stronger. Resilient people have faith in themselves. They do not believe that they will do things perfectly, but they know that they will give their best. And that is enough to find the strength they need.
10. They surround themselves with positive people
If there is one thing that distinguishes resilient people, from a young age, it is that they know how to surround themselves with positive people who can support them when they need it most. Resilient people are independent and like to face challenges alone, but they also know when it is time to ask for help. They are aware of the importance of cultivating their friendships and carefully choosing the people who can enter their most intimate circle. It is as if they have a sixth sense for detecting toxic people, and they keep them out. In this way, they manage to create a solid support network that will sustain them in the most difficult moments.
Always remember Viktor Frankl’s phrase: “The man who stands up is even stronger than the one who has not fallen.” This psychiatrist, who was imprisoned in one of the Nazi concentration camps, knew very well what he was talking about.
References:
Goodyer, I. M. et. Al. (1998) Adrenal steroid secretion and major depression in 8-to 16-year-olds, iii: Influence of cortisol/dhea ratio at presentation on subsequent rates of disappointing life events and persistent major depression. Psychological Medicine; 28: 265-273.
Taylor, S. E.; Lichtman, R. R. & Wood, J. V. (1984) Attributions, beliefs about control and adjustment to breast cancer. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology; 46: 489-502.
Leave a Reply