Closing a relationship, how to put an end to it so as not to continue suffering?

Nothing lasts forever. Neither do relationships. Sometimes, whether we like it or not, a relationship ends. Some fade away slowly, without causing major cataclysms in our lives. Others end abruptly, leaving behind a trail of pain, bitterness or disappointment.

If we were very attached to that person and we were unable to put an end to it, we are likely to feel deeply confused, frustrated, and even angry. In that case, we will be left orbiting around what happened, unable to move on. On the other hand, when we manage to close a relationship, we release those negative emotions and can focus on healing and growth.

What exactly does it mean to end a relationship?

Closing a relationship means reaching a state of emotional resolution regarding the breakup . It means that you understand the relationship better and accept that it has come to an end, giving yourself permission to continue moving forward in your life.

It’s not just about stopping talking to the other person or deleting their photos, but about processing the experience, accepting its end, and adjusting to the new reality so that you don’t get stuck in resentment, guilt, or hope for a comeback.

Obviously, there are many rituals of closure, so the process can vary from person to person. But in a general sense, closing a relationship involves understanding and accepting – not only on a rational level but also on an emotional level – that it is over.

Often, that closure includes an explanation of why the relationship ended. In fact, a study conducted at the University of Virginia found that those who are able to understand the situation experience less confusion and negative feelings during and after the breakup. However, it is not always possible to answer all the questions, so sometimes it is necessary to simply accept the breakup, even if there are still loose ends.

Signs that you haven’t put an end to a relationship yet

Closing a relationship is not always a clear and definitive process. Sometimes we think we have turned the page, but certain attitudes, thoughts or emotions give us away. If you still check their social media, compare new partners to your ex or feel a knot in your stomach when you hear their name, it is possible that the story is not completely closed.

Here are some signs that you haven’t called it quits on a relationship yet:

• You feel an emotional roller coaster when talking or remembering that person. Sadness, anger, nostalgia or hope are activated by just thinking or hearing their name.
• You fantasize about a reconciliation. Since you don’t fully accept that the relationship is over, deep down you keep hoping that person will come back or you continually look for excuses to meet them again.
• You hold on to memories. You haven’t gotten rid of conversations, photos, or gifts because you feel like letting them go is like losing a part of history. You hold on to those memories so tightly that you stop yourself from living in the present.
• You try to stay in touch. You keep in touch with their family and friends, you go to places where you might meet them, or you scrutinize their social media profiles because you don’t want to accept that the relationship is over.
• You constantly compare new people you meet to the one you lost. No relationship seems to fit or serve you well because you compare it to a memory you have idealized in your mind.
• The emotions of the separation continue to affect you. You continue to experience pain, guilt or resentment, an emotional state that influences your current decisions and affects your well-being.

Recognizing that you have not yet closed a relationship is not a step backwards, but rather an opportunity to truly heal. Each person has their own pace, but the sooner you decide to face those emotions and let go of what no longer adds value, the closer you will be to recovering your well-being and building healthier relationships in the future.

How to close a relationship properly?

Closing a relationship is not a linear or immediate process, it requires awareness and emotional work. You will have to allow yourself to let go, rebuild yourself and make room to live new experiences without the burdens of the past.

1. Talk to the other person. If you have doubts about what happened, you can tell the other person that you need to talk about what happened in order to close the cycle. It’s not about throwing recriminations or assigning blame, but about trying to understand where you both went wrong and why there’s no going back. Important note: Going over the same topic repeatedly can get you into a loop that hinders the healing process. So it’s best to have a deep conversation just once and decide to move on by mutual agreement.
2. Accept that you may not find all the answers you seek. It is not always possible to talk to the person, either because they have passed away or because they are simply unavailable. In these cases, closing the circle may be more difficult, but it is not impossible. You have to accept that you may never know for sure what happened and stop speculating. Accept that uncertainty is part of life and that some questions will not be answered.
3. Look for answers within yourself. When a relationship ends, it is not always necessary to look for the answers in the other person. After the breakup, taking time to do some introspection can help you better understand what has happened to you. This way, you can learn from your mistakes, incorporate that chapter into the story of your life and prepare for the next one.
4. Treat yourself with kindness. It’s normal to feel angry, disappointed, or frustrated, but don’t take it out on yourself. You’re going through a tough time, so the last thing you need is to put more pressure on yourself. Keep an eye on your inner critic and replace its speech with kinder words that will help you get through this time. Be patient and treat yourself kindly.
5. Focus on forgiveness. Sometimes, it’s hard to release the negative feelings that breakups leave behind. Sometimes, the pain is so great that we look for scapegoats. As a result, we blame the other person or ourselves. It’s important to be aware of this tendency because guilt and resentment will prevent you from finding the closure you need, so it’s like denying yourself the ability to live in peace. Therefore, assume that what’s done is done. So try to forgive and move on.

Finally, you can also practice a cycle-closing ritual that helps you put an end to what could not be or to a beautiful story that simply expired. Don’t keep waiting for a closure that may never come on its own. Take small steps to find that feeling of serenity and fulfillment that accompanies the end of a stage.

Source:

Kansky, J. & Allen, J. P. (2018) Making Sense and Moving On: The Potential for Individual and Interpersonal Growth Following Emerging Adult Breakups. Emerging Adulthood; 6(3): 172-190.