The idea that romantic love must be accompanied by a certain amount of suffering has settled in the popular imagination. Phrases like “Whoever loves you well will make you cry” reinforce that belief. However, the truth is that when love squeezes, it is because it is not our size. When we continually have to give in and the relationship brings more tears than laughter, it is likely that there is an imbalance and that we have fallen into a manipulative relationship.
Of course, spotting a manipulator isn’t always easy, especially since they often adopt subtle tactics, such as emotional blackmail, that make us wonder if we might be a little paranoid or even arouse a deep sense of guilt. When the manipulator is a close person with whom we have established emotional ties, such as our partner, realizing that we are being manipulated is even more difficult.
Manipulation implies the implementation of a series of strategies, attitudes and messages with the aim of achieving certain purposes, even at the expense of another person, for which lies, veiled threats or even emotional blackmail are used.
What are the signs of manipulation in the couple?
1. Your partner blames you for everything
Manipulation almost always begins with guilt. If you think “My partner makes me feel guilty about almost everything”, even when you are not wrong, or you hear too often phrases like “How could you do this to me”? or “I did not expect this from you”, it is likely that he/she is trying to generate a feeling of guilt for your actions, decisions or ideas.
Manipulative partners are specialists in turning any situation around to make you feel responsible. In addition, in many cases they make use of love, affirming that they do it for your good and even try to set themselves up as false protectors who must guide you to prevent you from making mistakes. Expressions like “If you really loved me…” or “Do you know what you’re doing” tend to generate guilt, so you’ll be more likely to do what your partner wants.
However, love has nothing to do with guilt. It is not equivalent to constant reproaches, recriminations and criticism, especially when they make you feel extremely bad. Therefore, blame relationships are not on the right track and will not help you feel happier and more fulfilled. On the contrary, it will sink your self-esteem.
2. He/she projects his insecurities onto you
Manipulators tend to project their insecurities onto other people, so they can see how they react to those “weaknesses.” For example, your partner may tell you that because he/she has been cheated on in the past don’t want you to go out with your friends. In this way, he/she forces you to “load” with his bad experiences and, by appealing to your understanding, he/she manages to curtail your freedom.
The mechanism of psychological projection is complex because it implies that the manipulative partner does not recognize his/her insecurities, fears and shadows, but instead blames the other and hopes that you will be the one to solve it.
Many manipulators also justify themselves by saying that they are very sorry for their behavior, but they say that they were afraid that you would leave them. This is how they get you to forgive their mistakes over and over again. However, you should keep in mind that there is a very fine line between understanding and emotional manipulation. Don’t let your partner put his/her own insecurities on your shoulders and hold you responsible for them.
3. He/she makes you doubt your abilities
One of the preferred strategies of manipulators is to take away the other’s security, self-confidence. Since you have given your partner access to your inner world, he/she knows your weaknesses and will not hesitate to use them against you, to undermine your self-esteem.
The manipulative partner shields himself/herself by claiming that he/she has the best intentions, but the truth is that he/she does not miss an opportunity to highlight your mistakes or minimize your achievements by saying that you could have done better. This ends up convincing you that you are not good enough.
As a result of these constant doubts, the most common thing is that you give in and let your partner decide for both of you. Obviously, at that point you begin to lose all decision-making capacity since you put the reins of your life in his/her hands. However, remember that one of the functions of the couple is precisely to support the other and make it grow, not to minimize it.
4. He/she holds you accountable for his/her emotions
Manipulative partners often act in contradictory ways; that is, they spend a lot of time trying to make you believe that you cannot think for yourself and then make you responsible for their emotions. Therefore, if your partner is feeling sad or has become angry, he/she is likely to blame you.
With this strategy, your partner makes you feel guilty about his/her emotional states, so you may feel like you’re constantly walking on glass because you never know what misstep will trigger the storm. You don’t know what to say or do and you start to fear the impact of your words or behaviors.
Obviously, living in that emotional carousel is not healthy nor does it facilitate psychological balance. When someone makes you responsible for his/her emotions, it puts you in a dead end that will only make you feel bad, with no possibility of escape.
5. He/she makes you think you want what he/she wants
When a relationship begins, it is normal for both to have to restructure some of their habits and plans, in order to make a life together. After all, coexistence also demands assignments from both parties.
However, what is not normal is that your needs and desires are almost completely ignored. If in a relationship, only the opinions and wishes of one person are taken into account, it is because manipulation has taken root.
Of course, this happens surreptitiously, almost never through imposition. Manipulative couples are very skilled and can make you believe that the best thing for both of you is to do what he/she wants. They may even go so far as to affirm that they are sacrificing themselves for both of them, when it is evident that the one who is sacrificing is you. Therefore, if at a certain point in the relationship you realize that your needs, dreams and plans are not taken into account, perhaps the time has come to give it a profound turnaround.
Another sign to detect manipulation in your partner occurs when you try to explain the reason for your decisions and behaviors. If too often you discover that you do it so that your partner does not get angry, because you feel you owe it to him/her or because he/she has asked you to, it is likely that you have fallen into a manipulative dynamic.
Curiously, the continued use over time of different manipulation strategies leads to a state of emotional dependency in which you may have the feeling that you are with the person you love, that you will not be able to find anyone better, or that you even need your partner to be happy since the problems and conflicts are your fault.
How to protect yourself from a manipulative partner?
In a relationship, manipulation should have no place because both must make decisions together. You both need to feel comfortable expressing your views and you need to respect each other’s opinions and needs.
When we think “My partner makes me feel guilty” it is because there has been an imbalance of power. In the long run, the person who is being manipulated will feel ignored and trapped in a relationship that suffocates him/her and nullifies his/her personality. For this reason, as soon as we detect the first signs of manipulation, we must put a stop to them.
• Be aware of the emotions you experience when you interact with your partner. If the relationship is marked by negative emotions such as guilt, frustration, doubts, fear, loneliness or sadness, it is probably time to stop and try to understand what is happening. To do this, you must pay attention to how you feel with that person.
• Address the problem. Manipulative people often divert conversations to other topics, so manipulation becomes the elephant in the room. Thus it is impossible to address the problem and the manipulation is consolidated. Therefore, it is often better to talk directly about your concerns and feelings, keeping the conversation focused in that direction.
• Set limits. Unclear boundaries in relationships can facilitate manipulation. To avoid this, set the limits that you do not want your partner to cross and stick to them. Although it’s easier to set boundaries early in a relationship, it’s never too late to make it clear what you’re willing to put up with and what you’re not. This is the only way to move towards a stable and mature relationship.
Of course, changing the dynamics of a relationship is not easy and many times you have to overcome the fear that it will not turn out as you want, but it is a risk that is worth taking so as not to get trapped in toxic relationships that they hurt and limit us.
Postscript: Sometimes we look closely at the behavior of others, without realizing that we too resort to manipulation, perhaps without realizing it. Therefore, for a couple to work, both members need to be able to look within themselves and get rid of those manipulative tendencies.
